One can claim that outbursts do not have to be loud but I have made big leaps in regards to me blowing a gasket and saying things that were harmful, degrading and never should have been said in the first place.

When requests don't get you what you want, and demands don't work either, our instincts and habits often provide us with another controlling and abusive strategy -- disrespectful judgments. Without a doubt, demands are abusive, but disrespectful judgments often make demands seem merciful in comparison.

In the final analysis, disrespectful judgments represent an effort to force our spouses to give us what we want in marriage, but it's often cleverly disguised. Instead of making an outright demand, we present our problem as if it were really our spouse's personal shortcoming. We try to "straighten out" our spouse in an effort to get our way.

At the time we rationalize our disrespect by convincing ourselves that we're doing our spouses a big favor, to lift them from the darkness of their confusion into the light of our superior perspective. If they would only follow our advice, we tell ourselves, they could avoid many of life's pitfalls-and we would also get what we want.

A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever one spouse tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on the other. When a husband tries to force his point of view on his wife, he's just asking for trouble. When a wife assumes that her own views are right and her husband is woefully misguided -- and tells him so -- she enters a minefield.

In most cases, a disrespectful judgment is simply a sophisticated way of getting what one spouse wants from the other. But even when there are the purest motives, it's still a stupid and abusive strategy. It's stupid because it doesn't work, and it's abusive because it causes unhappiness. If we think we have the right -- even the responsibility -- to impose our view on our spouses, our efforts will almost invariably be interpreted as personally threatening, arrogant, rude, and incredibly disrespectful. That's when we make sizable withdrawals from the Love Bank.

you need to ask her who has been cussing in the past few weeks

Now i am an F-ing [censored]....and he had the nerve to go into my sons room as he was trying to fall asleep and say that your mommy doesn't love me, and is going to take you away from me, you are probably going to have to go to Mimi's for a long time. My son was scared to death and started yelling and throwing things himself. I can't believe he would stoop so low as to scare our son.

but who are you to prescribe the antidote for a marriage

I do not understand how some feel it their duty to offer opinions when they do not know all of the facts.

Prisca:

How is Markos doing with his anger management program? A point we often make is that if angry outbursts are not eliminated from a marriage, no other problems can be solved.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.