I'm joining the fight with you Sarma. You can do this

Thank you FL, I sincerely hope so. Doing everything in my power.

What are you doing for yourself to stay busy and have other positives in your life? You know, going out for Salsa lessons, learning how to play the guitar, joining a gym... Journaling helps me and being here is part of that. Having such a support network or all these people supporting you without being "you are all right and she is all wrong" is very helpful.

Yes it is good to journal, I have been doing that, though have missed out on some. As regards keeping busy, I am self employed and run a small business- I also look after our daughter (4) most of the week, getting her ready for school, picking her up, making her meals, getting her to bed etc.
By the time she gets to sleep, it can be 9pm or so sometimes & then there's the upkeep of our home, inside & out! My wife used to take the chores inside the house, while I did outside, so now its a lot of extra work, so I dont get much time for gym etc. I have been doing a lot of walking to try to get out & clear my head. It helps a lot.

To be honest, there are a lot of very low moments but I am determined to be strong & not slip into a depression, both for my sake & my daughters sake too. My wife was just coming out of almost 4 years of clinical depression when OM began hitting on her so I know how horrible an illness it is. It also makes it very hard to take that, after it finally looked like our lives were looking up & after sticking by my wife through all that, to have the rug pulled from beneath you is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

However, I was 'her rock' (her words) through all that time & I still intend to be. I love her.

Thank God for my D! That and all my support network. I am still trying to figure out how to end the pain. Perhaps pulling the plug and getting my W out of my life is that answer. I don't know.

Hello all,

Just said I'd check in. Things still pretty much as they were here. WW is still splitting her time between her parents house (100 yards from our home & where she spends the 3 nights a week she has with our DD4) and the other 4 nights she spends with the POSOM in a rented house 20 miles from here.
I am so glad I never left our home- I was so close to in the days that followed D day, but I dread to think of the life I'd have now if i had. OM would be living in my home wth my family right now. As bad as things are, at least I have our beautiful daughter with me in our home most of the time- she very much knows and recognises it as her home, despite my WW trying to convince her that she 'has two homes now'.
I need to keep that stability for her, I am pretty much her only constant right now & will continue to do what's best for her.

My WW continues to see this adultrous affair as a 'new relationship', and not the typical sordid affair that it is.
It doesn't seem to matter to her at all that she is responsible for breaking up 2 families. The pack of lies that she has been fed by OM about the 'abusive marriage' he was escaping seems to have been fully bought by her. Indeed, she went on her own offensive over Christmas, sending Facebook messages to her immediate family describing the hell that I had put her through and how she was so relieved to escape the emotional abuse she had been suffering. Thankfully, none of her family bought it and described it as a 'pile of sh1t'. People who know me know that it is crap and is only justification for what she is doing.
I know a lot of her friends will have been fed this crap too and some will believe it, but I can't let that get me down. I know the truth and can hold my head high.


I have the full support of her immediate and extended family- members of her extended family have been coming to me and saying how disgusted they are with her behaviour.
I think this is a great source of frustration for her- she said to me 'We are separated, the families should separate too- they are not your family'
I also know that she is extremely frustrated that i am still living in our family home (which we built together on her family farm). Her father has told her that POSOM will never be coming over the lane. He also told me to make myself comfortable and look after our daughter there.
POSOM has largely succeeded in alieniating his wife from his family, citing that she was 'emotionally abusive'and that the marriage had been dead.

I won't lie- it's gonna be tough paying for everything myself including the mortgage, but I will do it because I have to, both for me & for our daughter. I feel mentally & physically strong & regardless of the outcome of this marriage, I know I will have done all I can and will be the better person for it.

I still see my wife 4-5 times a week and am doing what I can to be there without being a doormat.
My DD4 and I went to Disney last week and had a wonderful week together away from the stress at home. My wife was crying when we were leaving- I comforted her with a hug as it felt natural and the right thing to do. I later asked her father how she was doing and he told me that she would have to be ok as this is just another consequense of her selfish decision.

Of course I still love my wife- I wish I didn't. I still want to save my little family but recognise that may not happen.
I will however keep praying & keep fighting the fight.
All prayers and opinions/criticism/suggestions welcome.

Thank you

I suppose what I am asking to the more experienced people here is- How does this fit with what you have seen before regarding my WW's actions and the timeframe since D day (6 1/2 months)?

Does it seem typical behaviour? Walls up when she is with me, trying to convince everyone I was a terrible husband etc...(I really wasn't)

Just to refresh- my wife has suffered from depression this past 4 years for which she was diagnosed & taking medication for. She now blames all of this on me and is at pains to insist she has never been happier than she is now...

Before this affair, she was insisting that she couldn't have got through all of this without me and that I was her rock etc. She told all of her family & friends this, which is one of the reasons they are finding it hard to swallow the whole 'abusive husband' agenda she is now trying to push.

I wasn't perfect, but i promise I always did my best for her & my family.

Others will chime in, I'm sure. It's a little early yet, still here in the states!

I've been following your saga, and I think you are doing fine. The most important thing is to stay strong. Your DD needs it, and as much as your WW does not know it, after all this, she'll be glad you were strong, too!

Refresh my memory, please? YOu DID reveal the A to your (and her family), I know. Did you also contact OM's family, too? He needs to feel pressure from that end, too.

If so, then for now, just continue to Plan A as best you can, and be assured you are doing everything you can to ultimately save your M. And if not, as least you were true to yourself, did not demean yourself or lose your self-respect in any way while your WW goes through this "alien" phase!

God Bless,

Edit to add: Your WW's behavior is totally typical! Read up on others' story's and you will be surprised at how similar they are. It'll actually make you laugh, how they all follow the same "script" yet think they are being so original! HA!

Thank you OlderWiser. Yes, I did a full exposure to both families, friends & workplace. It did create a lot of tension at the time and resulted in the OM being kicked out of his fathers house and him and WW renting a house. A lot of his family have disowned him too. Neither WW or OM will be able to get a mortgage as their names are on mortgages already and their income is poor.
Logically speaking, this makes zero sense, but I understand logic doesn't come in to it.

Thank you, all other opinions welcome too.

My opinion is that you are doing very well surviving the affair.

You feel love for your wife because she has a nice account in your love bank (from previous deposits) and it will take more horrific things and time to whittle that away to not feel love for her.

Only more time will tell if she ever turns around and back to you.

You can hope for it but not count on it. You are giving it a best shot and that is all you can do.

Thank you for your response Reading.
Some places I read that the longer the affair goes on, the more reality will set in and the mundane aspects of ordinary life take over & WW may realise that OM is not this perfect guy. That would obviously be a good thing.
Then other places I read that the longer it goes on, the more emotionally connected they become & the less chance there is of it ending.
Anyone any opinions on either of these scenarios based on what you've seen in the past?

Obviously they are both really selfish in their actions and the lies & deceit of their emotional affair does not make a good basis for a long term relationship.

Please God she will come back to the good person I know she rally is.

All you can do is have faith in the facts that you yourself have pointed out, and know that you are still there as a sign to her when there's trouble in her supposed paradise. You have covered all bases and been valiant in your fight for her. Glean strength from those threads which ended well. Know that success takes longer than we want it to.
Being the BS waiting and hoping in Plan A is not easy. But kudos to you, Sarma. I hope it works out for you.

You are giving it the best chance and either scenario can happen. If she does stay with him, she will never be truly happy due to the toxic relationship they have.
Whatever happens, you will feel proud of yourself.
That is the best answer. I know you want her back but you can only control your own actions.

[quote=reading]
Whatever happens, you will feel proud of yourself.
/quote]

Exactly.

Just a little update as it's been a while. Unfortunately nothing positive to report. My wife continues her affair with OM.
She has quit her job with him, but I see this as purely a tactic to try and take our DD(4) from me. Her solicitor will have told her that she needs to do this and portray herself as the ever attentive, ever available mother. She has since taken up a position at another company in the same sector.

DD(4) still lives at home with me the majority of the time (4 nights per week) and stays with my wife at her parents house the rest of the week, around 100 yards away. On the 4 nights where my wife doesn't have our daughter, she stays with OM in rented accommodation. She has introduced OM to our daughter while his 2 children were present and they all played happy families together.

I continue to enjoy the full support of her family with the exception of her mother who is as thick as thieves with my wife and no doubt has met OM. Her father and siblings have refused to meet OM, despite my wife asking them to.

As regards Plan A, there are few opportunities to exercise it, but I continue to be myself and am kind and caring where I can without being over the top. My wife is not receptive to me and continues to treat me with distain and contempt. I don't know what I have done to deserve it.
Where there once was doubt on my wife's part, seems to have been replaced by a sense of entitlement, that this is all just fine. The major fly in the ointment is me and how I have refused to be walked over and leave our marital home and give up on our daughter. I will continue to be the best dad I can possibly be for her, I hope someday she will realise the truth.

So, we are currently scheduled for a court appearance as my wife tries to take our daughter from our home. Please God they will see all of this for what it is; 2 selfish people who walked out on their families and who are happy to be part time parents and enjoy each other the rest of the time. They have no mortgage, no real responsibilities or ties whatsoever.
Why wouldn't they be happy?

Not sure where I go from here, but will keep going knowing that I have done all that I possibly can for our marriage/family. It will be a year since D day on July 4th, but the EA was going on for 6 months prior.

Hang in there, sarma. You're doing all the right things.

Have you talked to OM's BW recently?

I have, she has moved on and wants nothing to do with him. She is currently going through similar court battles with OM over access to the children.

My wife and I were I court today where she got 50-50 shared residence of our daughter (4). She has rented accommodation 6 mikes from here where she will move in with OM & get to play happy families with our daughter & his children when he has them.
I'm done with her-I no longer recognise who she is or who I loved. We have no dealings at all now, our daughter is dropped off and picked up from our home with no conversation.
Despite my best efforts, I've failed.

I sincerely hope one day she will realise the error of her ways but who knows. As I sat in court today arguing over our daughter I lost all respect for who my wife has become.
We're still married and neither of us is pushing for divorce but sure what good is that?

2 selfish selfish people have got what they want and will stop at nothing, regardless of what psychological harm they will cause to kids etc.

I hope there is such a thing as Karma, I'm just so sad it has come to this.

There is no such thing as karma. Affairs do, however, die a natural death, particularly once the affair partners find themselves as domestic partners. The seeds of destruction are incorporated into the very foundation of their relationship.

That said, whether or not you have failed has yet to be determined. The story is not over, yet. Plan B may be the best step at this point. You need to assess yourself and decide if Plan A still makes sense for you. If you are capable, you will still have opportunities to make love bank deposits, even in this situation. In any event, you need to give this another year and a half before totally giving up.