The most noticeable thing I see missing here is the fifteen hours of undivided attention. This program will not work without it.

The critical importance of undivided attention


I would steer clear of telling him what to do with his thoughts, because that is disrespectful. Don't tell him how to think. By all means if your marriage is going to be saved he needs to learn not to express disrespect to you and not to dwell on the mistakes of the past, but borrowing religious language to tell your spouse what to do or how to think is a sure way to drive them nuts. If you want him to stay with you, don't express any disrespect at all.


My wife and I have seven children, so we understand how difficult it is to find time, but if you want your marriage to survive, you have to find time. Are any of these five children from prior relationships?

Have either you or your husband ever been married before? Or had an affair before?

gr, when your husband expresses uncertainty, you might tell him something like this: "It's up to you. If you want to leave me, that is your right, and I won't fight you on it. Just go see a divorce lawyer and I won't fight you. But if you want to stay married to me, I promise you that we will have a marriage that is wonderful for both of us." Then I wouldn't continue to subject yourself to listening to him call you names and such.

gr, what Marriage Builders books do you have? Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? That is the book you should be working through to make this work. His Needs Her Needs is not the first book to use to recover from an affair; it will make it sound to your husband like your affair is his fault when it is not.

godrecovers, let's look at your forum name a minute. You might want to change it.

I'm assuming you are referring to God recovering a marriage. Yes, God can and does do that. But not always. And in the person of Jesus Christ, God specifically told those who have been the victim of infidelity that He does not fault them if they choose to end their marriage in divorce. Sometimes that is the way for them to heal after this kind of trauma. It is their choice.

If I were your husband I would feel pressured if I heard messages from you about God recovering your marriage. I would feel like you were trying to take the choice out of my hands.

Knock what off Markos? I merely asked a question. I assumed you might likely know the answer to this given your experience with this program. I'm not sure why you are becoming so aggressive.

When a WS comes here 3 weeks after DDay and talks about her 'torture' I see it as selfishness and a failure to see the pain she has caused her BS.

No need to debate this further and distract from this thread.

Thank you Prisca. This makes sense.

unwritten, I encourage you to write Dr. Harley and ask him what he thinks about selfishness and whether it should be condemned in marriage.

One cruelty does not excuse another. She should separate if he can't stop threatening separation.

GR- we are here if your husband would like our help. Would he like to post on the forum.

Here is a radio show where Dr. Harley talks to a wife who has been unfaithful about her betrayed husband's indecision about recovering the marriage:

August 8, 2013
August 8, 2013
August 8, 2013

markos, Could you please give me a link to the thread for the couple you just posted the radio show about. I am interested in hearing what happened and more details on it.

I am sorry for posting this I tried to PM you directly.

I don't know if they were forum posters, Hawk.

I haven't been here in a few days. After I posted, he committed to staying. Today I cleared up a lie about how I ended the affair. Since another lie has been uncovered, I am not to be trusted and he wants to leave and take the kids.

I was not making any excuses in my original post. From the time he found out, I told him this was in no way his fault. I accept full responsibility. The fact is that because I have always lived with boundaries in regards to the opposite sex, there is no way that I could have "fallen" into an affair. I don't work. I only went to our homeschool co-op and MOPS. I'm not active in church, my boys were playing sports and I did not hold conversations with men there either. My older kids are in school now and we have been going to a new church together. After many months of trying at our marriage, I was heartbroken, I gave up, and furthermore decided to find a relationship to make myself "happy." I did go look for it, but I NEVER would have if he simply agreed to work on our marriage. Again, still my choice, not his fault.

We have been married 11 years. We were separated for 9 months after having been married 5 years due to his porn addiction and physical fights. We were going to counseling and he had two one nights with the same chick. He told me about it later. All the children are ours. These are not excuses, but just to clear up and answer some questions--he was addicted to porn the entirety of our marriage, with the last use being when he discovered my affair. He discovered it on my phone. I have followed the checklist with the exception of how I ended the affair. Besides porn there was emotional, verbal, physical, religious, and financial abuse. Please understand that while there was enough emotional and verbal abuse to warrant separation, the other forms of abuse were short lived. I was trying to leave him when I did it. Again, not excuses but just trying to answer questions and clear some things up. I lost hope that he could be the man he is being now.

We definitely are not doing the 15hours. And I see how we have not been making recovery priority enough. It's really difficult with doing homework with kids etc, and both of us being emotionally and physically tired. But we have been trying to meet each others needs, spend as much time together as possible and enjoy each other's company.

I think he may leave now but I plan to continue doing what I can to compensate. I have kept my four year old from napping so that I have proof of what I've been up to. I give account of where I am at all times and make sure there is evidence. I really am doing everything that I can. I am getting counseling and he and I were about to start counseling. I will be listening to the radio broadcasts mentioned above.

And just so you know, most afffairs happen this way. People don't go out looking for them like you did.


Once again, you blame him for your affair. The poor state of the marriage might have made it more tempting, but you had an affair because you purposely went searching for one. That is not his fault. You didn't have to have an affair. And obviously an affair does not improve a marriage, so your logic makes no sense.


You have every right to leave if he is abusive, but that is no excuse to have an affair. If your husband has been physically abusive, you should call the police and ask him to leave.


If he is abusive, you should separate.

I absolutely DO NOT BLAME HIM. This was 100% my choice, no matter the state of our marriage. I just wanted to clear up/answer some questions by previous posters.

I have made every effort to provide compensation and I have completed the list with the exception of how I ended the affair. I ended it before we got the book. I am doing everything I can. This has been hell watching him go through it, and experiencing it. I was so, so wrong. I am angry with myself for what I've done and will not ever repeat it. I am in counseling. Even if things were to become worse than they previously were, I cannot repeat this horror I have brought on my husband, marriage, family and myself. Please do qqqqnot take my earlier explanation as any sort of excuse. There is no excuse. I just want to make it right, make my marriage work. Whatever I need to do to make that happen.

Yes, you have blamed him numerous times on this thread:


And in your first post:


So there are 2 examples.

And it is going to be like that for each and every lie, so tell the rest of them now and get it all over with at once rather than giving him death of a thousand cuts.

Great, how many more lies are uncovered? To make your marriage work they all need to be told, right now.

Then, let him choose his reaction with out judging him. If he wants to leave, he's right to feel that way, and no pity party for you, okay?

Ok. No pity party. There are no more lies. I cannot think of anything else I haven't been forthcoming about. I prayed all day yesterday and asked God to bring anything to mind that might still need clearing up. Nothing. And no, I don't blame him. As I said before, I was answering previous posts about my marital history. I don't judge his reaction....just ask that he not call me names.