Looking back, we can see how I was emotionally neglected. I went looking for an affair on Ashley Madison. I thought I was looking for an emotional affair, but after only two weeks of texting we met up and had sex. I was caught after a total of 7 weeks. Despite having planned to divorce my husband, his reaction that weekend showed me things could be different. He wanted to stay and so did I. We started reading through the site and watching marriage builders on youtube. We ordered the books and between work and our five kids, have been trying to work through it. He said in the beginning he wanted to make it work. Three weeks later, he isn't sure. He can't stop thinking about it and he isn't committed to recovery. We did the emotional needs questiommaire but we haven't done the LoveBusters yet. Everyday he is unsure again if he wants to stay and work it out. I feel that he isn't "captivating those thoughts." I've answered his questions to the best of my ability but he is disgusted with me these last couple days. His indecision about wanting to stay or go is torture for me. He says I'm obviously broken since I quickly slept with my college boyfriends and the affair but when I met him I was trying to live right. He says since I'm broken, I cannot truly love him. What should I do?

Dr. Harley explains that there is a huge difference between someone who sort of "falls into" an affair because of poor boundaries and someone who actively trolls for action, like you did. Most affairs happen because people with poor boundaries allow themselves to get too close and before they know it, are in love with someone outside of their marriage. Your affair was not by accident, though, but by design, which should make your husband very, very nervous.

Your affair happened because you were trolling for action. Your husband could have been meeting all of your needs 1000% and it wouldn't have made any difference if you are on the prowl. You had the affair for one reason, and one reason only: you were trolling for action.

As such, you are very dangerous to him. How will he be protected in the future? Will you feel "emotionally neglected" again and feel entitled to hook up with losers on the internet?

Where is his protection? What safeguards are in place to ensure this never happens to him again? Have you been tested for STDs?

Are you married?

How long?

Any kids?

Does this loser have a wife?

I have not been tested. I have taken full responsibility. I make sure that he always knows my whereabouts. He has all my passwords etc to my email and checks my phone. We have been married for 11 years, we have five kids. The person I had an affair with also has a wife and kids. My husband and I decided to tell his wife and I gave all information I could to find her. My husband called her on his work break and told her.

That is great to hear that his wife has been told the truth. I would strongly suggest you get STD testing.

Here is the extraordinary precautions checklist:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Have you both gone through Harley's Surviving An Affair? That should be done ASAP.

yes we are on and off with it. we started the questionnaires but now he says he cannot stop picturing me with the guy. I did end the affair but before I was aware of this checklist and he did not see what I said to the other person. I believe I have done/am doing the other things on the checklist. He said tonight that it doesn't matter, the books won't work because he can't stop picturing me with that guy.

The affair lasted 7 weeks and he discovered it a little over two weeks ago

How much time was there between the end of the affair and his discovery of it? How did he find out about it?

If you have answered all of your BH's questions about the affair then you need to stop talking about the affair. Your BH does not need to be reminded. He is doing that on his own.

Actions speak louder then words. Finish the SAA book an implement the steps.

Show you are acting trustworthy. Follow all the steps needed to repair the broken trust. Plan A your BH.

DO not separate. Keep him home. Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process.

You are opening a thread about you proactively seeking out an affair by giving your excuse for such an action as the very first sentence.

If this is how you are speaking to your BH I can understand why he is becoming more upset and not less. There is no excuse for your behavior, none. I don't care how emotionally neglected you were, that is not an excuse to go trolling for an affair. Many people are emotionally neglected and do not have affairs. Your BH did not cause this to happen. He may not have been a good husband, but you are a grown woman who made the choice to deal with this by trolling for an affair.

Step one: own it.

If he is unwilling to start recovery with you but continues to dwell on the affair instead, the best thing you can do is separate. You cannot force him to recover with you, and to try to do so would be detrimental to your health.

This is indicating that you are putting other things first, and working on your very damaged marriage when you have a few minutes to spare. You will NOT recover a marriage this way, as you are witnessing. You cannot even maintain a marriage this way that has not been affected by an affair. You need to make recovery and giving your BH just compensation your #1 priority.

I find this comment to be very selfish. Affairs are the most painful thing a spouse can go through, the most destructive thing that can happen to marriages. It has been a very short period of time since your BH discovered your SSL, which is a time of emotional rollercoasters. Yet you are claiming that YOU are 'tortured' by his indecision. He has every right to not be sure whether he wants to remain in this marriage or not. It is your job to pay him just compensation, not his job to immediately commit to remaining married.

I have heard Dr. Harley address this exact situation on the radio, and he confirms that as long as a betrayed husband is hovering on uncertainty, it will indeed be torture for his wife. I've heard him on the radio advise a wife to separate in such a situation until her husband makes up his mind.

The program definitely doesn't work if it's not followed. There has to be enough time dedicated to it to follow the recovery plan Dr. Harley suggests. Everything else needs to take a back seat to it. It doesn't matter if you read the books but the two of you don't go through the program.

I would suggest you go through the items MelodyLane posted including STD testing and the checklist, then begin spending fifteen hours a week alone with your husband out of the house having a great time together and also start working through the rest of the program in the books. If your husband is unwilling to do this with you, you will probably need to separate from him until he is willing.

I would be interested to know his timeframe for this. I feel like a mere couple of weeks is a very short timeframe for expecting some kind of commitment, specifically if she is continuing to make excuses and behave selfishly.

After a few months of wavering, I can understand. But this is a very new wound for him.

Just Compensation:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
Examples: NC letter, phone number changed, email changed ...

2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
Examples: Facebook shutdown, Radical Honesty (no secret second life), job change, no more nights apart ...

3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.
Examples: Eliminate Lovebusters, POJA, PORH, meet EN, UA time each week ...

She cannot give him Just Compensation if he is unwilling to do number 3 with her.

She cannot pursue him. She cannot force him. If he is unwilling or uncertain about recovery, it WILL be detrimental for her to try. He has to be 100% onboard, or this will never work.

Dr. Harley would tell her to leave until her husband is certain he wants to recover.

A woman can endure Plan A for 3 weeks max.

You could listen to the show or write him, but at times I've heard him tell FWWs this the first time he's talked to them.


You don't sound like you know what Dr. Harley says about selfishness in marriage, **EDIT**

Whether it's reasonable to expect commitment this early or not, the wavering will take a toll on any woman, and Dr. Harley does not recommend that she subject herself to it for any length of time. If he is uncertain, it is best for her to go into a holding pattern until he makes up his mind. Once he does, they can certainly recover if that is what he wants (it is his choice, after all). It does not help him at all for her to hang around to be his punching bag while he is uncertain.