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Joined: Aug 2011
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Would your BH be willing to come here and talk to us? To be truly helpful in this situation, we need to advise him, too.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Joined: Apr 2001
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And no, I don't blame him. As I said before, I was answering previous posts about my marital history. I don't judge his reaction.... No, you weren't answering any previous posts about your marital history when you wrote this in your first post: Looking back, we can see how I was emotionally neglected. I went looking for an affair on Ashley Madison. So, the first step in mitigating the damage is to stop blaming your victim and stop denying that you do what we can plainly see. Blaming your husband and then saying "I am not blaming my husband" does not solve the problem. It makes it WORSE. If we notice your blame, then your husband surely can. You want to turn this around? Then stop the bs.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2007
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After I posted, he committed to staying. Today I cleared up a lie about how I ended the affair. Since another lie has been uncovered, I am not to be trusted and he wants to leave and take the kids. What exactly was the lie? Telling your BH you have prayed for the entire truth and that you cannot think of anything else probably means nothing at this point. Trickle truth is extremely damaging. I would schedule a poly for your BH in order to put his mind at ease that he finally has the truth this time.
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Joined: Oct 2007
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I have made every effort to provide compensation and I have completed the list with the exception of how I ended the affair. I ended it before we got the book. I am doing everything I can. It makes me wary when I see a WS who is vague about what exactly was completed on the list. Could you go through the list one by one and tell us exactly what has been done? Just compensation and implementing Extraordinary Precautions is a good time to be specific.
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Joined: Oct 2007
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Again, this makes me very wary to hear a WS say. Why are you in counseling??
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Joined: Oct 2007
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II was not making any excuses in my original post. From the time he found out, I told him this was in no way his fault. I accept full responsibility. The fact is that because I have always lived with boundaries in regards to the opposite sex, there is no way that I could have "fallen" into an affair. I don't work. I only went to our homeschool co-op and MOPS. I'm not active in church, my boys were playing sports and I did not hold conversations with men there either. My older kids are in school now and we have been going to a new church together. After many months of trying at our marriage, I was heartbroken, I gave up, and furthermore decided to find a relationship to make myself "happy." I did go look for it, but I NEVER would have if he simply agreed to work on our marriage. Again, still my choice, not his fault.
We have been married 11 years. We were separated for 9 months after having been married 5 years due to his porn addiction and physical fights. We were going to counseling and he had two one nights with the same chick. He told me about it later. All the children are ours. These are not excuses, but just to clear up and answer some questions--he was addicted to porn the entirety of our marriage, with the last use being when he discovered my affair. He discovered it on my phone. I have followed the checklist with the exception of how I ended the affair. Besides porn there was emotional, verbal, physical, religious, and financial abuse. Please understand that while there was enough emotional and verbal abuse to warrant separation, the other forms of abuse were short lived. I was trying to leave him when I did it. Again, not excuses but just trying to answer questions and clear some things up. I lost hope that he could be the man he is being now. I don't understand why you are pointing out all the faults of your BH again. You say that you are "clearing up questions asked" but I see several other issues/points that were skimmed over. Such as: changing your posting name, you were asked if you have read SAA, if you have completed the EP checklist, what MB books have you read, etc. I don't see any questions asking about why you had the affair that you needed to clear up. This is going to get nowhere if you are dishonest, gr. Knock it off. If you are familiar with MB, then you know the answer to this type of behavior. If you not, then you need to familarize yourself. You don't need to keep telling us this stuff when we are trying to get your BH on board with recovering this marriage.
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by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 03:02 PM
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