I was told by some family to get on these forums for help/advice by "sexymommabear" and "Herpapabear"

My wife and I are both turning 25 in a month or so. We have been married for a little over 2 years. We have no kids, we miscarried a few months ago. We are both about equally accomplished in our career paths, but she works in corporate so she makes more money than me. We have a house that's 1.5years into its mortgage, 2 cars that are not paid off yet and we both have student loans - however, we have never missed a payment and have no trouble making these payments.
Three weeks ago, my wife had an affair. A workplace affair - albeit he works for the company from a different state. In two days, she is getting on a plane to see him again.
I do not want to divorce her, I love this woman with everything I am. I made a commitment to her before God. She's determined to leave me.
For starts, I need help Exposing & Ending a workplace affair in a way that is not vindictive or spiteful. I want this affair to end because I care about her, and this affair is dangerous for her - regardless of if my marriage survives.
I appreciate anyone that tells me I should leave her, but that is not an option for me at the moment. She is my one and only.

Thanks for any insight.
WrestlerChemist

Welcome to MB. Sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

Is OM married? Workplace exposure it crucial to nuke this affair. Is OM in a management position?

Who have you exposed the affair to so far?

WrestlerChemist, I am heartbroken for you and your wife. I am sitting here in tears for you.

black_raven, MelodyLane, Mr. & Mrs. Wondering, MarriedForever and Neak were some of the wise people who walked me through my darkest times. I hope they will show up here. You are in good hands with them.

We are praying for you and for Mrs. WrestlerChemist.

Exposure will always appear spiteful and vindictive to the wayward spouse but your marriage can survive her anger.....her ongoing affair not so much.

As long as your exposure is done with the intent of breaking up the affair and saving your wife from making the biggest mistake of her life versus simply punishing her for cheating on you...it's not vindictive.

short term marriage without children....go big on exposure. You got one big shot to bust things up.

Tell us about OM's side of things. Is he married? It's often much easier to get the OM to dump your wife than to get a wayward wife to look at reality. She's got to become more trouble than she is worth. That happens when everyone he knows and loves is giving him grief for messing with a married woman and he knows he can't show his face anywhere with her. If he's single....he's got a world of single women to pursue that have a lot less baggage than your wife. You just have to make the baggage even heavier.

You need to worry less about how the exposure might be perceived, and concentrate on making it the most effective. You should expose to everybody at once. You don't want to give the affair partners time to spin a story. You want the exposure to swamp them like a tidal wave. That will give you the best chance of crushing the fantasy that supports the affair.

My wife has intentionally kept information pertaining to him a secret. All I know is that he is in the same company and he is single.

I believe she has kept it a secret for the fact that she doesn't want me to expose her. However, I have plenty to expose her with... I am afraid to appear spiteful (as you have mentioned, I should worry less about that).

So far the only people that know are her parents, my brother and anyone she has told in private.

Hi WC, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Exposure is your most powerful weapon against the affair. Affairs thrive and grow on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only serves to enable the affair. Don't worry about what anyone may say about exposure because those people won't pay the price. YOU WILL. It is not their getting gored, after all. Don't let it concern you one bit.

Please go read through the exposure thread linked in my signature and come back and lets talk.

I would find out who he is and check out his facebook page. Finding out his name, etc, will be a critical first step in saving your marriage.

I should probably mention that my wife and I seldomnly are on Facebook. That being said - I did take your advice and look when this was first happening. I could only really narrow it down to four people (1 mutal friend - my wife, works at same company..etc) She does you Facebook messenger, but there is no way I know to view that. If she doesn't tell me his name I do not know how to get it.
The four Facebook friends have not been active since like 2014 in some cases. But I do have reason to believe they primarily communicated through Facebook messenger.

The way to get that is to put spyware on the device she is using. What does she use? Do you know the password?

Of course your wife wants to keep her affair secret. Everybody in an affair wants secrecy. Secrecy enables affairs. That is why exposure is so effective at disrupting them.

What you are likely to discover eventually is that you played a surprisingly small role in your wife's affair. She didn't think about you at all. It was all about maintaining her fantasy.

She uses a Samsung phone - I have zero access to it. I have already looked into the spyware and apps I would need to download on her phone. Also, I do not know her unlock password.

I forgot to also mention, she is somewhat moved out of the house. She does not sleep or do anything at the house.

Mr eureka, I totally understand. Some of the other comments were asking for the OM name - which I simply have no means of obtaining.

WC, you have to get his name. Can you slip spyware on her phone? Have you looked at her phone bill? Surely she is talking to him on the phone.

check this out: http://www.teensafe.com/

Can you get a PI? She is meeting him. A PI could follow and get you further proof and a name.

Hi, WC. Herpapabear was the best mentor I ever had from this forum in the process of saving my marriage and becoming a better husband. Sexymamabear helped persuade my wife to reveal her Facebook affair, which was primarily conducted through Facebook messenger. I will always be in their debt.

Do not talk to your wife about exposing her affair. This is something to do unilaterally. She will make her own decision about how to perceive your motives. There is a good chance she won't feel positive about it for a long time, but that is fine. Just walk through the steps and get the information and get it done.

Please pay very close attention to MelodyLane (as I'm sure HPB and SMB have already advised you) - her years of experience at ending affairs are legendary.

You have to find out the information about this affair, starting with the person's identity. This is a problem that must be solved! Does she facebook with him on a computer at all? I'd get keylogging software onto that computer pronto.

WC - I sense that you are somebody who likes to follow the rules and do things cleanly. These traits are not going to serve you well at this point in time. You need to become objective-oriented about what you do. Finding out details about the OM is the top priority. Your wife has no reasonable expectation of privacy from you as her husband. You need to get aggressive. Saving your marriage might just require that you step on the grass.

I just don't have physical access to her phone and she is the primary owner of our phone service. Without asking her for the account password - I cannot view our paperless bills.

Her parents have also stated that they are fearful of her losing her job. But are agreeing that it cannot be a secret anymore.
I am someone who plays by the rules, and I do get the feeling that its not going to help me here.

Should I give her the chance to not get on the plane? (Albeit a lost cause) or do I just pull the trigger and let everyone outside of her work know?

Let everyone including her work know.