Good deal. That is your evidence.


i would contact them directly. Use the talking points on my exposure thread and ask them to use their influence with your WW to persuade her to end her affair.



Figure this out. Go to their webpage, call the company and ask for the name of the Director of HR. You don't just stop and give up. Stay on this.

You also need to find the oM's parents. Have you found them yet?

The purpose of exposure is 2-fold, it is to gain support for your marriage and splash a dose of reality on the affair. It is no fun to get high on crack when people are all watching you. An affair is like a crack addiction. So just telling the uncles about the affair is not sufficient, you need their support. It would be ideal if they could call her and express their disappointment and ask her to end her affair. Use these talking points:

I am calling [emailing] you because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a man named XXX. She is flying to be with him this weekend. I am devastated because I love her so much.

She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

As her family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

You hit the mark.
Friends in "adultery speak" = affair partner(at minimum emotional).

You are correct opposite sex "friends" do not speak on the phone for 90min repeatedly.

You did GREAT!!! My husband once told me that I ruined everything and he was going to try to give me a chance until I told everyone, yeaaaaaaah ok. For what its worth, exposure DID save my marriage. We're 2 years out and better than we have ever been in our entire marriage. Even if you don't recover your marriage, you will recover YOURSELF and you will be better for it! You've got this. Keep on the path with the guidance you're given here and your life will change.

Keep working on the exposure.

Don't forget that you can't debate her on this, so don't even try. Just keep doing the right thing.

(Tell SMB and HPB that markos and Prisca say hi!)

I have lost support from my wife's parents... Albeit likely temporary. They said I went too far with the exposure. I'm pretty stuck now - the waiting game is no fun.

I feel your pain on this. My MIL had a similar reaction. Although, I will say this comes from a side of the family with very weak, if not disfunctional marriages. I did not find that anyone that appreciated the value of marriage oposed the exposure, but those with weak values did. When your inlaws show weak values it partially explains why you spouse got caught up with infadelity in the first place.

Contact the uncles directly, as MelodyLane. Don't rely on her dad doing it, because he is apparently a friend of the affair, not of the marriage.

Don't wait! Don't drag out exposure! Get this done!

Reread MelodyLane's posts and see what else you could be doing.

Don't let this bother you. Many people do not understand the value of exposure. But they are not the ones who will suffer the consequences if you didn't expose. You are the one whose ox is getting gored, NOT THEM. Follow the professional and seasoned advice of a clinical psychologist who has been saving marriages for 40 years:

When Should an Affair Be Exposed? by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

So while I know your in-laws mean well, they have no experience in saving marriages. Dr. Harley DOES.

Thanks Melody for the reassurance. My wife's parents are some of the most Godly people I know, and they have excellent marriage values. They are on an emotional roller coaster, not as extreme as mine. They are thinking "how could our daughter do anything like this?"
I do believe in what I've done. I have talked to a lot of her close friends and family members. I just keep letting them know that the affair is dangerous and needs to end.
I am 99.9% sure she got on the plane last night, hopefully I induced enough panic on the right OM to make them two love bust each other... I am prepared to keep this fight up much longer than a few days - but let's just say, its nice to hope she gets back and ends the affair due to outside pressures...
I am doubtful though.

The bad thing I am starting to encounter as I tell some of her good work friends is that they all think "everyone is their own person at the end of the day." Exactly the mindset this company has put onto my wife...

But they all also think I am nuts for trying to work it out, that they could never bare the pain/betrayal. That's why I think this is going to work, because I am baring the pain and my love for her is shining through...

Some of the most Godly people I know have absolutely NO CLUE on how to recover from affairs. You are engaged in this process to save your marriage, and not to collect opinions from those around you on what they think you should be doing. Dr. Harley is an expert. Many of us have used his affair-recovery methods to great success.

Her parents thinking "how could our daughter do this?" is direct evidence that their opinions are worthless. We KNOW how she could do it. We have been through this ourselves. I personally am married to and very much in love with a woman who proved she could do it. We understand how it happens and what has to be done to save a marriage. Unfortunately, being Godly is not an attribute for knowing how to survive infidelity.

IF you have further discussions with her "Godly" parents you may have the opportunity to assert:

"Did you not entrust your daughter, in front of God and numerous witnesses to my care? If so, then you must trust me that I know what is best for her. She was God's gift to me and God is directing me to fight for her and try to save her from making the biggest mistake of her life [and thereafter]. I would really appreciate your 100% support right now but understand if you are skeptical of my efforts to save her. All I ask is that you not enable her rebellion against God."

If her parents are letting her stay there and continue to behave this way...that is a mistake and you should ask them to send her home and be offended if they do not respect your wishes. She is not an abused woman needing shelter. She is an adulterous woman seeking out and exploiting the weaknesses of those who care about her so she can continue down the adulterous path.

In the alternative...she can stay there only if they forbid her to conduct the affair under their roof in any way shape or manner and they follow through insuring that she sticks to their rules. If she ends the affair ...her parents house isn't the worst place for her to start defogging a bit. It's not the best alternative because parents aren't very good a holding a wayward wife accountable. It's preferable they send her home (or just make her leave).

Thanks Mr. Wondering - that is good notes for me if they communicate with me again. As a side note, I would be thrilled if she was staying with her parents.
She is actually staying with a coworker - who I told on exposure day. I don't know where she goes from here. Only time will tell on Sunday night when she gets back.

I have a question. When she gets back on Sunday night from her trip with the OM, what do I do?
Plan A right away? I kind of read Dr. Harleys Plan A recommendation as after the affair has ended... What do I do in the meantime? Keep laying low and protecring my LB?

Just some thoughts I had - and you guys have been so helpful thus far.

Plan A is intended for when the spouse is in an affair. In Plan A, you do your best to meet her needs and present yourself as an attractive person. No lovebusting, no fighting; don't allow her to BAIT you into fights. Tell her how much her affair hurts you and ask her to end affair.

I think that is really cute and winsome. Would they say this if she was a serial killer or a heroin addict? They are just "being their own person," right?

She is doing something very self destructive that will wreck her life so I find it interesting that her so-called "friends" would enable her in such a way. The reason they do is because they DON'T CARE. "Friends" don't sit around and parrot idiotic phrases when their friends are harming themselves. I don't have a single friend who would put up with me if I were having an affair. Not a single one. Because friends don't help friends harm themselves.

Those people are not her "friends." They clearly don't care about her.

Melody that's my exact thinking. They aren't her friends, they are someone who they've convinced my wife to join their lifestyle.

I will read up on Plan A as much as I can and plan on no love busting. I do have some questions about what exactly to say... I get "this affair is hurting me and I want you to end it."
But how many times can I say that? Could someone maybe give me like three phrases to come back to so I have a defined plan. I believe with a well thought out plan I will be best prepared so I never accidentally love bust.

Melody I am very appreciative of how quickly you generally respond by the way. Thank you.