You can say something like: "I am so very hurt by your affair and am asking that you end all contact with OM. This has broken my heart." Other than that, try to stay out of anything deep. Just be as pleasant as possible and don't talk about the problems. Keep it light!

The reason you don't want to get into any serious talks is because she is not using reason and you won't be able to reason with her. Serious talks will only make the environment very unpleasant.

You are very welcome!

This might be an odd question... But I am fully expecting that at least at first she is going to an attorney...
Anyone know how long I can contest/delay the divorce process? We live in Ohio.

This could happen in her "defogging" process while she is furious at me. I am still hopeful that she will come back around after the dust settles.

I am not sure about your laws there. I will tell you that almost all waywards threaten to file for divorce and few actually do. Even if your wife does, that doesn't mean it is the end. We have had people get remarried.

I second that, I guess you can call them fair weather friends, or something just not true friends.

So should I still be exposing? I realize that the "nuclear" exposure stage is well over, but should I still tell people as I am reminded of them? I told a couple other of her friends that I tracked down today... As per sexymammabear and herpapabear, I have been letting people know that they were cosigner to the vows we both took before God on our wedding day.

I have been getting tips to on Plan A.

Additionally, I placed an order for the book LoveBusters. It should be here Friday.

Do you have the book, Surviving an Affair?

Yes I read it a few times.

She's back in town now.....any reaction??? Often the wayward's response will be the silent treatment. In their foggy thinking they end up with the silent treatment being the best way to continue their affair without the interference of having to fight with their spouse. They know deep down they are in the wrong and arguing and getting angry with you over exposure is really non-sensical (and something they'd have done).

Plus...they think they can manage public perception by painting your exposure as mean, vindictive, untrue and abusive....and say "I'm not even talking to him, we are separated and I'm already in the process of filing a divorce...he is just trying to control me and make people hate me".

Don't sweat it. Your wife is out of her mind right now. Just tell the truth and keep on fighting and trying to save her. Like Melody said, when you interact with her...don't try to teach her. She's unteachable right now....so you really just confirm your position and keep it light and pleasant. As long as she's talking or yelling at you...she's not talking to OM. Long distant affairs are easier to fight since you don't usually have to deal with nightly "visits" between the affair partners. They just talk on the phone and/or facetime each other all day and night.

Any luck finding OM's family....parents?

Mr wondering -

She is back in town and there was some reaction. During her lunch break (so I wasn't home) she came back to the house and stripped it of many of her things. I spoke with HerPapaBear, explaining that the variety of things she took was really odd - almost like she was just in a blind fury.
As for the OM and exposure, I think I put down as many bullets as I could. Never tracked down his parents, but did get eventual responses from the sister and brother. Sexymamabear has assured me that by now the parents undoubtedly know.
My wife's parents and I are still not on talking terms, but its something I just have to live with. In fact the last time I spoke to my father in law he said "I think you went to far. She's so angry she may never recover." Then he insinuated that she may move away. I think he is delusional - his daughter could never move away from him. We lived in another state for 1 year and she hated not being around her family.
SMB and HPB have just told me to hang low and protect myself. I have some house projects I'm starting with my dad & I've started to read books more often. I'm starting LoveBusters.

I still check in about everyday on here. You guys are very helpful.

You are in very good hands!

[/quote]
You are in very good hands! [/quote]

They are very nice - I am glad to have family like them.

I have voiced to HPB that it was hard to read LoveBusters at first (and I cannot imagine it gets any easier at first). I am having lots of "you idiot" and "how could you be so stupid" moments to myself as I read it.

Join the club!!

My husband said the same thing.

You are in very good hands! [/quote]

They are very nice - I am glad to have family like them.

I have voiced to HPB that it was hard to read LoveBusters at first (and I cannot imagine it gets any easier at first). I am having lots of "you idiot" and "how could you be so stupid" moments to myself as I read it. [/quote]

I felt the every same things. it was really hard for me finish the book, it just made me so emotional and I started to cry.
I am getting emotional writing this.

Very well. Anger over exposure is a good sign. Sometimes it means deep down they DO have a conscience otherwise keeping up appearances wouldn't be an issue. Instead they'd just say "yes, we are having an affair, i love him and I'm going to go be with him". There would be no reason to be angry or fear losing their job or anything because in their mind...it'd be OK and acceptable. Since she knows it's NOT acceptable...it makes her angry to have it publicized.

As far as her moving...it would probably be better than her continuing this crap for 6 months or year and then moving there only to discover the relationship was a lie. If she goes now...OM has to meet all her needs....and she'll miss her family and she'll miss normal. She's likely to be back in about a month or two. Don't get me wrong....I'd certainly prefer she go "no contact" with OM right now and commit to recovery; but absent that, moving now might be just the amount of reality that relationship needs to end it. OM goes from having a side piece in another state to having a live in girlfriend with all sorts of typical wayward emotional and mental issues going on. OM truly might not even be up for it...he may have other girlfriends in his hometown and enjoy the affair game as a way to get women in bed versus truly having any desire to commit to your wife.




I know HPB goes to a large weekly morning men's bible study. If you aren't already, you should tag along. You and your wife remain "one flesh" and as Believers we are given power and authority over demons and the ability to heal. Pray for your flesh/wife. Cast out demons (from the both of you) and heal her wayward sickness. Check out the movie "War Room" and then fight for your wife spiritually as well.

Godspeed.

That does make me a little more confident in what I have done. She is absolutely furious. Her friends - upset. Her family - upset. She knows its wrong. I just get a little upset myself with her parents almost "aiding" her damage control.

I have been staying in contact with her slightly younger brother (who unfortunately had to find out from deployment about this all, he was very upset). He told me he is talking to her tonight. I do believe I have activated all the best players to let my wife know that its not just me that thinks this is a horrible idea - its everyone!. Except her coworkers of course, who just like the world and could care less about marriage.

I have voiced to SexyMammaBear that I struggle with the very graphic images - I feel like I am constantly praying them out of my mind. She is the only woman I have ever "been" with. I am young and I am a man (enough said). She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and I just struggle fighting off the perversity of him & her. Any advice as to combat this? SMB gave me some good advice naturally, but I thought I would ask this group as well.

The more furious, the more effective your exposure. Fury is a GOOD thing, not a bad thing. We are HAPPY when we hear that a WS is "furious" over exposure because we know it was effective. Your marriage can survive anger over exposure, it can't survive an affair.


Great job on reaching out to her brother!


SMB is your best source of information. She not only knows this program inside and out, but she has fully recovered her marriage. I have the highest regard for SMB and TST.

The images go away with time.

Prior to now (and assuming she's sleeping with him...which is usually the case but not an absolute certainty), are you the only man she was ever with????

I ask that as a way of envisioning coping with this situation should you choose to recover someday. My wife's affair was with someone she dated in high school and a little in college. She was 28 when we married and I had no notions she was a virgin and I wasn't even close to being one either. In time (it's been over a decade now since the affair) I just kind of put the affair sex into the same category as the sex she (and I both) had prior to us getting married and didn't concern myself with dwelling on it or making myself resentful about it. She was with OM before I even met her and I never thought about so why should I think about this. It's not like I saw them together. It's not something we can ever undo. My wife regrets it. I regret it but dwelling on it doesn't accomplish anything. Further, I can also see how the sexual immorality of MY youth played a part in all my choices leading up to my marriage and my wife's affair. I can see how, in part, my wife's infidelity was a consequence of my prior sinful sexual immorality. I wasn't better than her...in the sexual purity sense. We were equally human and in need of repentance.

Conversely, I had another friend here on MB who married his wife when they were both virgins and his wife continued to have sex with both him and the OM during the affair. Unlike me, he was sexually pure and just couldn't stop thinking about and resenting the affair sex. He couldn't block out the thoughts of the sex she had with OM. He had no such compartment of "the sexually immoral things both my wife and I did before we were married" box to put the affair thoughts/memories into which caused him immense pain and suffering for years in recovery. As a Christian he tried fully to forgive "as far from the east to the west" but the wound kept reopening. It was the old comparison of hammering nails into the wooden fence....you can remove the nails but the holes remain. It was easy for me because both my wife and I already had a lot of holes in our fences...the virgin couple, not so much which made the new gaping holes much more difficult to deal with.

Another couple from here from Australia were virgins too, but the betrayed husband didn't seem to have anywhere near the struggles of the guy I mentioned above forgiving, wiping the slate clean and moving on with a MB marriage of extra-ordinary care. A big difference between the two stories might be the level of regret, remorse and repentance offered by their former wayward wives (I don't know their hearts - just my feeling on the subject of their repentance and lack thereof). If someone totals you car and just bondo's and duct tapes it back together, it's just never going to be drive right or be appreciated fully again; whereas, if they bring you home a new better car and go above beyond to make it up to you....you can move on much more easily putting the whole episode behind you. We can't tell you how your wife is going to be. I sometimes read on wayward forums (yes- the internet has something for everyone) where the supposedly former wayward wives are just cruel, abusive, substance abusing entitled unrepentant monsters blaming their betrayed husbands for every miserable self-inflicted problems in their lives. You are young and you don't have children - you should run away from your wife using your legitimate biblical out if she remains unrepentant. I also sometimes read on divorced betrayed forums and you'd think becoming a worthy wholly repentant former wayward wife is as likely as seeing a unicorn or Bigfoot. I don't know about you but my wife is the real deal and you certainly can see HPB is the real deal so it is possible but you'll never know what God and your wife are capable until you try, pray and until you get the chance.

I'm not selling you false hope. These are issues you are going to have to one day weigh if and when you get a shot at recovery. I know you FEEL right now that you've got to get her back and you can't envision a life without her; but, in time, you may realize that a life with her could be a huge mistake for you (and her). Can you overcome the thoughts/memories of her with another man? Can you continue on in a marriage with her....having children and facing those challenges without being resentful? Can you continue on in a marriage with her NOT wanting to even the score (having been a virgin, having a revenge affair and sex with just one other person might be compelling draw for you that if you choose to stay married you'll need to be ever diligent to protect against - I mean, can't you just envision satin whispering in your ear - "you deserve to have sex with another person too....look at that drunk co-worker...here is you chance to even the score...you forgave her, it's her turn to forgive you...you are entitled to it")?????

Things to ponder.

Godspeed.

I have a personal theory about that. The guy who didn't struggle handled the situation very differently. First off, he exposed the affair wide and far, even to his children. I think that very much contributed to her repentant attitude.


Secondly, they were very proactive in working the program and did create a romantic, passionate marriage afterwards. Like Harley always says, when one is happy in the present, their minds don't tend to go to the past. We have seen over and over again that couples who don't create a great marriage afterwards tend to be resentful.