She is 100% sleeping with him, she told me. Yes, she has only "been" with me until now. We had sex before marriage, but we were each others only sexual partner. Mr. Wondering, you have left me with some interesting thoughts to consider.

I do believe I can get over it. I do believe that time will heal the wounds, but as you said, only if she does eventually recognize the pain I've endured. If she is one of the unresentful ones, blaming me at every turn for the affair, etc. then maybe I will just have to accept that this is beyond repair.

I know my wife. This affair was bred out of an immense amount of temptation at her workplace (happy hours, "spouseless" corporate trips, etc) to commit the affair PLUS me not being a spiritual leader to help her fight those battles at work. She is a good person, shes just in a "fog" as you've all mentioned so many times. It may be too much to overcome - but I want to be the one that decides.

WC, if you do reconcile, she will need to get a job in an atmosphere that is not so detrimental to marriage. I can't even imagine what industry she is in, because my experience in corporate America is nothing like you describe.

Its funny really. She is absolutely determined that she cannot do anything else in her life except this job - which she is really good at. However, her dad is a "freelance entrepreneur" and she could definitely start a business and enjoy that. The fact is, she is so brilliant should could really do anything she wants.

Melody, we always joked about started a company together - but she always got scared of the money. I know that being business owners together could introduce new stresses on the marriage, but at least it would somewhat solve the atmosphere problem, and help affair proof the marriage (I think, if I am the one flirting with her at work, maybe no one else has to - just a thought). OUR dream a year ago was to open an athletic training facility and co-own it...

My brother works for the same company in a different city just 30 minutes away and said: "If it was common knowledge what happened on those corporate training events, no one in our region would have jobs." So, that is the company my wife thinks she cannot live without. Probably because its so tempting, and currently its fulfilling her. But its worldly and dangerous. I vowed to protect her from such things, I fell short, but I am not done fighting for her.

Re-reading this I recognize it did not have much structure. Sorry to just babble. I like being able to talk to people about it. You guys are saving my life. Thanks so much

Well, you did not fall short. She clearly chose to insert herself into a destructive sitution. She decided to play chicken with her marriage and got hit by a car. If she doesn't get out that career, she will get hit again. I am really surprised that this kind of behavior goes on in a corporation.

I have spent my career at 2 Fortune 500 companies and our corporate events are nothing like that. Our corporate culture is very, very anti affair. People who do have affairs are fired or "managed" out because they can't ever be trusted. We view them as loose cannons and walking legal liabilities.

Do you know that spouses have sued companies for workplace affairs? And won! You really should look into that. You might have a course of action against this company.

Husband whose wife had affair with co-worker can sue employer

Alienation of Affection & Employer Liability

Melody, that first link requires a login. Is that true? Can I sue my ex-wife's employer? They were alerted to the affair and did nothing as far as I know. I've been told they were called in front of HR, but no one at the company talked to me, so I assume I was slandered and accused of all sorts of things. Both of them still work at the company.

That's weird, I didn't have to log in to read it. Try this link: http://www.shrm.org/legalissues/stateandlocalresources/pages/cms_019341.aspx

This one requires a login for me, too (as well as the first one WC highlighted).

That one asks me to log in, too. I'm in TN where there are no AoA laws. Was the legal grounds AoA? I'm interested in suing the company if I can. They were jerks and just basically acted like I was crazy despite having solid proof, even that they were conducting the affair on the company's time.

Sorry for the hijack, WC.

darn, same thing!

Don't sweat the hijack. I hope you get something figured out.

Melody, by the way, I may be interested in AoA if this does go "south." Do not get me wrong, there are people at her company that are great family oriented people... just there are some bad eggs, which naturally are the most thrilling. I talked to one of her coworkers during the exposure and he said, "She is not breaking any company rules by dating outside the office, it just cannot be within the office." I wanted to reach through the phone and punch this guy - she is 'dating' shes having an AFFAIR you idiot.

Its so discouraging that my awesome wife got swallowed up by this culture through her workplace, and like an idiot I just stood by and watched, assuming everything was OK.

I guess now is as good a time as any to give you all some back story on my childhood and parents, as it may help you advice me moving forward in marriage.
I was raised in a house where love was assumed, never spoke. I did chores because it was my obligation as a son. I was punished for disrespect, but never rewarded for doing good things - after all, it was my obligation as a son. I told my mother that I loved her often, and she told me. But where I drew most of my development was from my father. Growing up, the respect for him was very high - so high that if I failed in any way I felt as if I let him down ( I was usually right, he would tell me). My parents were/are awesome. Everything I am today is because of the strong respect structure I had at home. I have only ever told my dad I loved him one time (prior to this affair) and that was in a letter I wrote him and hand delivered on the morning of my Wedding.

MY dad and I spoke on exposure day - which even at almost 25 y/o I was afraid that this was an instance where I had compromised his pride with my problems. He said he was proud to have raised a son that values marriage so deeply in a world that treats it like a "date." He said I am a stronger man than him for wanting this to work out despite the affair. He said he knew that I would always be a son who valued commitments, because I was raised different than the world.

I guess somethings I am trying to point out is -
1) My dad and I are closer now than ever from this affair.
2) I am too much like my dad, and my wife is too little like my mom.
3) How to deal with this "assumed love" family life that I have had so deeply ingrained to my life?

Long winded... but hey - its a long fight right?

WC, I am glad this has brought you closer to your father, but i am confused about what you are asking and what your childhood has to do with it. Can you summarize your question in one sentence?

I guess I am used to the structure of everyone in the home just knowing they are loved, even if its not verbally stated - that clearly does not work with my wife.

Anyone ever come into contact with that kind of issue? I am reading LoveBusters and its shining light on it tremendously.

I guess it would be helpful to hear some people's habits that help them combat this... Like "wake up every morning and ask your wife about her plans" etc.

Then you start expressing your love to your wife openly. IF she wants to be told you love her several times a day, then that is what you do.

I have also been thinking one thing that disables me from showing my wife the appropriate affection is our overall personalities - she's really abstract and I am super "not."

I know this is common based on the resources I've read. But I work in a Lab (hense Chemist) I love checklists. I like actionable things. I feel like if some of you successful marriages could maybe just point out some everyday things you do -maybe I could derieve a list. I want to love my wife properly - I want to learn things.

A list can also be made into habits...

Just thoughts

I am sorry if this post is getting off topic - I have been told by SMB and HPB that during this time of my wife's "defogging" I am supposed to work on myself and keep PLAN A priority one.

That is why I am posting questions about bettering myself as a husband! Let me know if I need to start a new post somewhere though.

The best guide, of course, is your wife, but my H found this article on affection very helpful:

meeting the need for affection

That is great advice! You should continue to post on this thread so people know your story.