You won't really know what has happened and what is happening with the OM until you speak to his wife. There is probably much you don't know about.

This is getting frustrating Mel. I posted it because you keep asking me the same questions and I keep answering them. I know where he lives. I know where my wife works. I know people who worked with him. He was FIRED. My W was upset and suspicious of me, accused me of reporting him at his job and getting him fired. His car was at his place day after day, all day while he looked for another job. Can we please move past this? And what do you mean I don't know he left his wife? He still lives in the apartment near us, yes. He was also living in an in-house separation until he found someone else. It just happened to be my wife.

We don't know what you don't tell us explicitly, and we can't tell the degree to which you may be getting your information from your fogged out and possibly lying spouse.

It is extremely frustrating to deal with someone who gives very vague information. I have no idea where your information comes from. As far as I know, this information all comes from your WIFE, a liar, as I have explained before. Her information about the OM comes from another liar, the OM.

Since you have never even spoken to his wife, as far as I know, you don't know if they are divorced. You have no earthly idea what his situation is because you are only going by the word of a liar. "In house separation" is a phrase used by adulterers for example and means nothing.

I don't know how else to get this across to you. You think you know the situation, but you have never even spoken to this man's WIFE and don't even snoop. I don't see how anyone can help you until you start dealing with the facts, rather than assumptions. I personally don't have the free time to go over the same things over and over again.

For all you know, his wife thinks he is away on business when he is really at the apartment with your wife.

Liars lie. You can take it to the bank that the OM is lying about the situation with his wife. Because liars lie.

Ok, I understand now why "he got fired" wasn't enough since you were probing for how I knew. I will have to put "FL verified" in parens maybe on new info. Thank you.

I researched and have quite a bit of new info. I have a report with some emails and numbers and addresses of OM family. I verified two of them are correct and will speak with them, if they are cooperative, they can lead me to more. I have current W and previous W, son, brother, mother, father. I am putting that together. I see a Twitter account, FB account, LinkedIN, etc.

I am going to use the methods listed in the threads to find proof before I go ahead, but I would imagine within a week I should either have evidence something is still going on if it is. I understand that you can't prove a negative. So if by the weekend I get a "hit", then that's all I need to launch but will accumulate more. If I don't find anything, I will keep it up in case it is more random contact. Thank you!

While I am waiting and noticing, I have a question about Plan A. Are there clues to a balance in how to meet emotional needs with somoene so far gone between being a "nice guy" and being "need" or a doormat? I am imagining that respect plays a part in attraction and if I am trying to hard it will push her away just as much as going no contact, no?

I have read that much like exposure is necessary, experiencing pain is necessary. Exposure is part about pain and consequences in addtion to taking it out of the shadows. So is taking this seriously and asking to sign a separation agreement and start planning who gets the kids when. Her feeling like I am not so available and maybe she is losing me rather than the other way around. So I am asking for how Plan A should look and not wanting to mix techniques from the sources I have read or be in conflict with my goals.

As for snooping, months ago when it first happened I got receipts for all the lunches, gifts, flowers, and a stack of love letters and cards that he wrote almost every day and gave to her. I also have a recording of her talking to him. But again, this was now months ago, so I need to see if it is still going on and am doing that.

Pain is not the goal of exposure. Although exposure is a love buster, the benefits are much greater than the damage it does. Because there is damage, it is best to plan exposure and on one date, expose to everyone. Trickle exposure is bad, because that negativaty impacts more than one time. It is preferred to limit it to one day, one impact. Nuclear exposure.

Exposure kills the thrill of a secret affair, it speeds up the death of an affair. In the light of day, an affair isn't all that pretty or exiting anymore. You ask friends and relatives to be your allies to help save your marriage. Even if your marriage fails, if you exposed, you know you fought to save your marriage. Because of that, exposure is also beneficial for personal recovery.

One negative vs. lots of positive effects.

I didn't want to imply we want to inflict pain, which isn't a very healthy thing to do, but rather one of the mechanisms that makes exposure work is that it is a shock, a wake up call, a bit of pain, a dose of reality.

I worry in my case though, if because months ago I did all the exposure that I/we are just recovering from, and now would do it again to HIS family and friends, it is a trickle exposure that could backfire rather than help because it all wasn't done at the same time. My W will probably be furious and defend him. Of course the intelligence gathered from his STBXW would be very important as well as her right to know.

Keep in mind that exposure is penicillin to bacteria, though. While you lost the opportunity to shock the affair with a z-pack, you still have a great opportunity to hit it with more penicillin. You are viewing it as a poison and it is not that at all. We fully expect your wife to be furious, and that is a good thing. If your exposure is effective, your wife will be very angry. The goal here is not avoid your wife's anger but to hopefully save your marriage.

While your exposure probably won't kill the affair, it certainly can help. And you never know what you will find out from the OMW. I wouldn't wait too long to expose though. You have all the evidence you need of the affair.

I want to emphasize that when an affair has gone on this long without critical exposures it is much harder to save the marriage. You can't afford to cut ANY CORNER on exposure anymore. NONE. It is your only hope, IMO.