We were pretty clear in our posts. You can go back and read and ask questions if you want. No need to rewrite them.

In your first question you used the word "processs". The fact you are even speaking to her and have gone this far towards recovery at all is a pretty good indication you are "in the process" of forgiving her. Further, forgiveness doesn't require forgetting. It also doesn't even require reconciliation. I also think full forgiveness and reconciliation require full repentance. The gift of repentance is also a "process". While both of you process "forgiveness" and "repentance" why bother trying to figure out if you are done? Especially just a couple months into the "process". My wife and I felt really good about our recovery early on and posters here questioned us. Some thought we were acting (since we both posted here). One person even thought I was some kind of controlling abusive monster and Mrs. W posted as she did because I would abuse her if she didn't or something like that. Regardless....it really did take us a full year to shake off the shock and then another year (two years total) to get to great. Let the process play out. Learn MB - apply it - make your marriage extraordinary for both of you and all this "have I forgiven her" questions just kind of take care of themselves.

As far as "monitoring her"....as long as it takes. Don't forget...she should be allowed and encouraged to "monitor" you as well. MB is a two way street and, statistically, the betrayed spouse is the spouse most likely to have the next affair in your marriage (if there ever is a next one) so it behooves you, her and your marriage if you both learn to check up on each other and hold each other accountable. My wife has express permission to keylog or tape record me whenever she chooses. I live my life differently than I did before. I behave better because I presume I am being watched and will have to answer for my behavior. I appreciate having someone holding me accountable. It's a different mindset than I snoop because I don't trust my spouse. I snoop because I care about my spouse. I don't snoop often and I don't think my wife is snooping on me all that much because we have such integrated lives...having an affair is very unlikely. Neither of us has the time or opportunity but sin is a human condition we all are susceptible too....so complete 100% trust isn't the goal (because it isn't real).

Glaring holes:



Your marriage is not integrated to the point that it would be impossible for her to have an affair without your knowledge. And vice versa.

Many and serious.

Travel? The biggest cause of affairs?

Counselling! She's not ill: affairs are caused by being a human being. In fact it is probably keeping the past guilt alive and preventing proactively moving on with actions.

I dont see any mention of her changing her contact details. She should have a new phone number and email so this man can never contact her again.

Just this one basic missed target keeps you both unbearably jumpy. You had a fight over his maybe contacting her. Imagine what it would do to her if he did? Best case she would feel disgusted and sickened while your recovery clock goes back to minute one. Worst case she decides the partner in crime is more comfortable than recovery and the fantasy easylife affair addiction is retriggered.

Don't do it to 'your satisfaction' - do it to Dr Harleys. Your standards, like everyone in this club, didn't cut it.

Oh and exposure is fine kept small so long as key players know. Who is on the small exposure list? Is he married?

I just want to throw out there for the "she could have a secret credit card"...get her credit report. That will show you a credit card at least. I'm not sure about secret bank account with debit card, but definitely a credit card and maybe a different cell phone company account.

Good advice, I needed to read some of this. Thanks