Like I said, it's typical wayward divorce behavior. Not only have I been through this myself, I have seen scores of BS's go through it here on the forum. No point in trying to decipher it.

And sorry to say....expect more of it.

The problem is she is the primary on all of our bank joint accounts... Which I am running into trouble today. The bank is understanding but they are saying I can't do anything about the automatic payments.

Should I just email her back requesting her cancel all automatic payments?

I always thought I'd be the one who screwed up the marriage - so I made sure she was primary on everything... Mistakes were made.

Yes, email her requesting that but if she gets ugly and continues to be unreasonable, you may just have to work this out through the lawyers in a separation agreement

OK So its clear I need to respond to her email with some considerations about our finances.

How is this:

Thank you for the email regarding our finances. I have made arrangements to take care of the bills you are requesting I take on separately (phone, the car I am driving, etc.). Please cancel all automatic bill payments that use our Joint checking account, so I can request paper bills from those payees, or set up direct withdraws from my personal accounts. This includes: our mortgage, my car payment and my student loans. Additionally, basement renovations will be delayed (or cancelled) unless you can return some of our savings to help fund it.

I love you, and miss you. I want to build a romantic and passionate marriage with you. This affair has been the most painful experience of my life, and I simply cannot build that desired passionate marriage with you until you end the affair.

What do you think? Too sappy? Too aggressive?

I wouldn't offer to cooperate with her. Did you ask about removing yourself from this account since she is the primary?

I was considering doing that but I was afraid that in doing so I might inherently open myself up to "Negligence of Responsibilities."

My thought process was if that is how we pay the bills, and I take myself off them, am I neglecting our bills??

I could call the bank and ask to remove myself from the accounts If anyone thinks my thought process is incorrect.

She is trying to set in place the financial logistics of your divorce and I would not assist that process voluntarily. If she doesn't have $350 without hitting a credit card, I very much doubt she has the money to put teeth on any of the rest of what she's asking you for. I forgot she cleaned out your saving account already.

You don't really need to respond that you have got your own insurance or phone billing set up, she will figure that out on her own.

Can you not switch your mortgage/car payment/student loan to your personal account on your own?

Having been through this process I do not think there is enough at stake here for you to even worry about the consequences of removing yourself from the bank account, provided that you continue to keep important joint assets such as your house above water.

Your attorney (and her attorney) will probably not want to see this to trial since you have no kids and your marriage is too short for spousal support to factor in, because it's a lot more expense and work for everyone if it goes to trial. They will push you guys for a quick settlement.

BUT...that is just my $.02.

I cannot switch those three over because they are all set to automatic payments that she set up as the primary account holder. The bank is so frustrating - They are like "I am sorry that you are going through this lets see if we can help at all...........Oh nope, we can't, are you not talking to your wife anymore?"

Ugh.

So I am at a cross roads...

Honestly I don't have an answer for you about the accounts. Everyone does it differently. The way the bills were handled in my divorce was that we separated our bank accounts, I paid all the bills, provided him copies of them and he paid a percentage. You will have to ask your lawyer.

I'm going to restate my advice and also think it's great that you are talking to Dr Harley on Friday because you can ask him about this.

Because you are in a Plan A but also divorcing situation you have a balancing act to maintain. You want to protect yourself legally but you also don't want to lovebust her.

Again, anything that she asks you for that is reasonable in a divorce situation, I would not fight her on. Anything that she becomes unreasonable about or sticky, rather than standing your ground or fighting with her, tell her your lawyer is handling it. But don't compromise yourself financially regardless.

That's beside the point, because he intends to drag the divorce out for a year.

Axslinger I appreciate you trying to assist me here. Here is what I think I am going to do today.

Take the remaining money out of the joint checking account and put it in my personal account (~$300) That will zero that checking account out.

Send her this revised email Maybe not today, but later this week:

"Thank you for discussing your concerns with me about our finances. Please cancel all these automatic bill payments: mortgage, my car and my student loans so I can pay them from my personal accounts. Basement renovations will be delayed or cancelled if you do not return some of our savings.

I love you, and miss you. I want to build a romantic and passionate marriage with you. This affair has been the most painful experience of my life, and I simply cannot build that desired passionate marriage with you until you end the affair."

Then I am going to wait for her response - If she does in fact end the automatic payments. I am going to pay the mortgage in its entirety and take her half she is willing to put into the accounts and just transfer it to my accounts. Until she ends the automatic bill payments, I have to play by her rules. Which who wants to play by the rules of a lunatic?

Axslinger - I think the revised email is a little less "cooperative" as you advised in a earlier post.

So she got something to eat on our joint checking account - then instantly replenished it in excess of $10. Is she trying to look "good" to me?

I am still thinking of exactly how I want to word this email. I did not take the remaining money out of our joint checking.

Sorry I'm filling this up today.

So some of her coworkers (I think) just came to my house, knocked on my front door. I answered and they tossed a copy of the divorce papers in the door and ran off like cowards. There were four to six of them in the car that drove off.

Now I know that doesn't count as my "service" but I have a copy of the papers. I am sending them to my attorney tomorrow.

Pretty depressed now though. Those cowards are absorbing my wife into their world. All the work exposure in the world is not going to help at a company that so readily supports this behavior. I still love her so much, and my hatred for this company grows every second with every incredibly secular/worldly activity they perform.

I just want to save her from this darkness and save my wife. The affair has to end... She needs to get out of that company.

If your WW files a Proof of Service with the court, I would have your lawyer refute that you were not properly served. Most counties have online access to divorce filings. Look for the Superior Court of your county and look for a civil or family case online access link. You can search by name.

Papers thrown through a door should not count as service. You can always say you kicked them out and they maybe blew away in the wind. Papers are to be delivered directly into your hand or signed for. I wouldn't even give your lawyer the papers but tell him how they may have been thrown at you.

So maybe my email should just state:

"My attorney will communicate with your attorney regarding our financial obligations.

I love you, and miss you. I want to build a romantic and passionate marriage with you. This affair has been the most painful experience of my life, and I simply cannot build that desired passionate marriage with you until you end the affair. "

Some of the terms in her original email regarding our finances cannot happen according to the divorce papers - so I will take all your advice and just let my attorney handle it (for extra dollars obviously, like you all warned).

I will call my attorney today and explain what happened.

I think that looks fine and reasonable.

Probably overthinking it there.

It sounds like she's kind of gone dark on you, communication-wise. Have you tried to contact her much?