THIS, from your first page of this thread...


..has a LOT to do with this



Exposure is the consequence to her actions, and I saw a lot of people talk to you about additional exposure targets but I never saw you follow up. A BS who exposes widely does not feel the way you describe because a wide exposure brings with it a lot of support for the BS and consequences for the WS.

Being mean and disrespectful to your wife is like shooting yourself in the foot and expecting it to hurt her. The only consequences it will teach her are the consequences of deciding to give you another chance.

Ok. I'm actually starting to get it.

Because I have so much emotional investment in our marriage I couldn't see it before.

I don't know if it's me accepting what is happening, time that has passed, or the AD's, but I am starting to see it from a different perspective.
Before I was so distraught by it all that I could t concentrate on anything but the affair and what I could do to restore our marriage.
I'm afraid that I may be falling out of love with her. The reason I say this is because I don't think about her constantly. Or what she is doing.
Maybe this is the attitude I need to have anyways to be able to face her

I did plan A really solid for 4 months. No love Busters until October.
I'm not going to freak out over some slip ups. I will do my best from here on out.
I feel like MB puts a lot of the burden on the BS. But I guess that I am the only one I can control so I can accept that.
I appreciate your advice even if it is hard to hear.

The consequence of her action is that it hurts you like hell.

As far as you giving her consequences, that's something parents do for children. You're not her parent and don't need to be punishing her.

If you don't want to stay married to her, we encourage you to separate and never see or talk to her again, for your own recovery.

But if you want to stay married to her, it's going to have to involve you winning her back. That means you can't be punishing her, whether she deserves it or not.

And those love busters in October destroyed any progress you made before. They were not mere "slip ups." You set off a nuclear bomb.

Probably very true.

As far as winning her back. That is something that I have been killing myself over.
Studying. Reading. Concentrating on what I should do and what went wrong.
Worrying about doing anything wrong at all.

It hasn't helped the situation. Other than to push her towards the OM.
Trying so hard is probably the worst thing I could have done.

I'll make a solid plan for what I will do when she is back and should we meet.
But if she goes back to CA I'm not going to kill myself over it anymore.

There are plenty of people who don't cheat and start affairs when things aren't going right for them.
I have protected myself from affairs.
The affair was her decision.
It will be up to her and I to work through this should that time come. I'd love for that to happen.
I am not going to count on it though.
Holding onto hope beyond hope has been the hardest thing ever.
I do see you commenting on what I did wrong. And I appreciate the feedback.
I'm not seeing anything other than critism on mistakes on my part.
The critism is helpful, but it does not offer me anything that I can really work with.

I am not seeing any direct questions about the Marriage Builders program; only reasons why you cannot follow the program. If you are not here to learn about and follow our program, we will lock this thread because it is a needless distraction. The purpose of this forum is to help people find solutions using this program. If you are not going to do that, we will lock this thread.

Did you have a question about Marriage Builders for the forum?

We cannot offer you hope when you won't follow the plan.

Ok. So it has been a week of no contact w my wife.
She is w her family in MI for the week for thanksgiving.
Im not sure how to come out of all of this and attempt a plan A with her or if going back and forth would be worse.
Do you think I should be consistent and follow through w no contact unless she contacts me first?

What does any of this have to do with Plan A? It really seems like you are wasting our time here.

To tell you the truth I think I was doing better before starting this forum.
I have literally poured my heart out over this affair.
I did a lot of hard work to show her things would be ok back at home for two months straight after she had left.
When she decided to go back to CA for the 5th time I stopped most all communication except for some small things that she had asked me about, some medical questions where I felt I needed to respond.
Then after this forum I went back to communicating with her and I couldnt handle it and responded with what I had posted here.
Since then there has been no contact.
So that is what I was asking, should I remain no contact after that or attempt a repair.

To be honest, I think that many of you lack empathy. Maybe because you have seen this all so much, lived through it, dealt with it, etc.
No situation is the same just as every person is different.
I have now read love busters, his needs her needs, surviving an affair and now onto the book not just friends.

I guess i shouldnt be asking the question whether I should try to contact her or not after our last communication. Thats something I need to decide. I was asking for dvice because many of you have the experience that I am lacking. I have stated everything and all details, left out nothing so I can paint the picture for what it is. That way when i ask for advice I can get an honest answer on which way to go.
I was hoping things would settle down after our last text. In our past she is very emotional and lashes out after being upset, and any repair attempt i make ends up worse than before. I knew that if I said anything to her she would just rub my nose in it and make it out like it is my fault. She keeps blaming me for the affair so I figured it would go that route even more.
One of you had mentioned that she may just blow through town after that letter.
That has been going through my mind quite a bit and I am at a crossroads on whether I should hold out until she says something or be the first to communicate. Her father is speaking with me now, first time after all of this has happened. She is with him and the family in MI for the week. We have not mentioned one word about the marriage or her. It's like the elephant in the room.

I do want to be in plan A when I see her in town. Right now I am in plan ambiguous so I am trying to get back to plan A but I feel that is a tough nut to crack.
None of the books speak about going back into plan A.
I'd like to attempt a recovery with her when she comes back. I wouldnt know where to begin with that. The last recovery was all false and she was still planning on leaving so I am very hesitant with that thought. I am almost certain is she leaves for CA again I will shut down completely and do a dark plan B.
advice?

Quote:
"No situation is the same just as every person is different."
Unquote:

You are wrong. Read all of the different stories here or Anywhere else.

All affairs and the cheaters reactions are scripted and nearly identical, even down to the phrases and words they use.

Does her Father know of his daughters affair?

LTL

Mrwalters, I am dealing with my WW right now and I can tell you that the forum posters on here have called my wife's "next moves" almost down to the exact wording she used days in advance.

As for the empathy, there have been times where I have thought the same thing about the posters. The truth be told, they are telling you what you need to hear (just like they are telling me what I need to hear) - not what you want to hear.

Me and you want to hear - "Your wife is coming back next week, just clean up the house and she'll be back."


Dr. Harley told me the other day on the radio that he advises men to stay in Plan A for up to six months or so. And I believe he outlines it in Surviving an Affair too.

A "Minimum" of 6 months, up to 2 years, if the man can emotionally handle it.

For me, I hung on too long, still believing that the true love that I had for my Wayward Wife would win out no matter what the odds.

It just made me a total wreck, plus I screwed up everything about my business because getting her back was my ONLY priority, other than remaining and improving as a Father to my Son.

Sometimes, you just have to realize that there is NOTHING that you can do, especially if you think that you sincerely are just trying to Save Them from themselves and the down the road consequences of their actions.

LTL

Does her Father know that she is having an Affair and that is what is messing up the marriage?

Have you requested his assistance to help you and his Daughters marriage?

LTL

mrwalters, since you are not following our program or taking the advice, we will lock this thread. As such, the thread has become a distraction. Let me know if you change your mind and I will open the thread. Best of luck to you.