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If you could get her to do something..anything...for the 2 of you to just hang out without your pastor, FIL, MIL etc..it would be ideal. If you get all those folks involved she might think she is going to get ambushed. Alone is the key. Not with others.
I invited my WW (WW at the time)to just do whatever. Things super low pressure without any relationship talk. Like go grab a bite to eat, run some errands...whatever. I would ask and say 'it would be cool if you want to jump in but no pressure'. Sometimes she would say no, sometimes she would say yes.
The point is, you have to find a way to be able to spend a little time together where you can look great, be confident in yourself and have NO expectations of her. Have a smile on your face at all times so she knows that you have positive energy! No negativity. No pressure.
You have to play it cool and back off right now. Worked for me. Don't give her any ammo to make you the villain in her life. She already thinks you are the cause of her pain.
Be the positive force. When do you guys think I should approach her again? A week? Two weeks ?(her birthday is in two weeks). I invite my wife to spend enjoyable time with me every day, and I intend to do so every day for the rest of my life.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thanks guys for the pointers. I will definitely pray to recognize good opportunities vs. times to back off.
FYI my talk with Dr. Bill & Joyce Harley went well, it is rebroadcasting today. Very encouraging talk (just like you all said it would be).
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Thanks guys for the pointers. I will definitely pray to recognize good opportunities vs. times to back off.
FYI my talk with Dr. Bill & Joyce Harley went well, it is rebroadcasting today. Very encouraging talk (just like you all said it would be). He did misunderstand me in one instance - we have been living together for 3 years total (1 year before marriage + 2 years of marriage). Not five total years. They are awesome people.
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Dr. Harley emphasized again making the OM uncomfortable and essentially getting him to feel like a relationship with your wife isn't worth the hassle.
That being said - What have you been able to do so far on OM's side? I recalled you emailed and/or spoke to his brother. Any luck with his parents and friends?
This is going to be cryptic and I hope he is still reading - "J" please email me, I need your help.
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Tracked down his address and work email last night at work. Dr. Harley also mentioned that I cannot dish out any more negative - that being said SMB has reached out to me and we are working to track down more information about him.
I saw a post on here once called something like "what you get for leaving your marriage for an affair". Maybe I can get a friend to email the OM that post.
I will need to get my computer back to really research this guy. I gave my computer to my brother, because video games were a big turn off for my wife. So while I was trying to change myself I got rid of that temptation.
Definitely agree with Dr. harley and you Mr.W. I need to lay down the pressure on OM but I need help doing it so I am not the " bad guy"
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Do not give your enemies your playbook.
In other words, do not let your wayward or OM or enemies of the marriage you are using Marriage Builders forum.
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Tracked down his address and work email last night at work. Dr. Harley also mentioned that I cannot dish out any more negative - that being said SMB has reached out to me and we are working to track down more information about him. You do understand he did not mean it was "negative" to expose the OM or confront him, right? He told you to investigate his background and one of the main purposes is to expose to his parents, family and friends and run him off. I saw a post on here once called something like "what you get for leaving your marriage for an affair". Maybe I can get a friend to email the OM that post. The OM won't care. He is just using your wife so this won't matter to him. I will need to get my computer back to really research this guy. I gave my computer to my brother, because video games were a big turn off for my wife. So while I was trying to change myself I got rid of that temptation. Absolutely, but that intel needs to be used strategically against the OM. Definitely agree with Dr. harley and you Mr.W. I need to lay down the pressure on OM but I need help doing it so I am not the " bad guy" I would focus on doing the right and necessary thing and not worry about garnering approval from adulterers and their enablers. Your goal is to save your marriage, not to gain approval from others. None of those people will be paying the price for a failure on your part to do everything in your power to bust up this affair. It is real easy for outsiders to judge you when it is not their ox getting gored. They are not in the fight for their marriage. I assure you they are not the ones who will pay the price for a weak exposure. YOU WILL.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Tracked down his address and work email last night at work. Dr. Harley also mentioned that I cannot dish out any more negative - that being said SMB has reached out to me and we are working to track down more information about him. You do understand he did not mean it was "negative" to expose the OM or confront him, right? He told you to investigate his background and one of the main purposes is to expose to his parents, family and friends and run him off. I saw a post on here once called something like "what you get for leaving your marriage for an affair". Maybe I can get a friend to email the OM that post. The OM won't care. He is just using your wife so this won't matter to him. I will need to get my computer back to really research this guy. I gave my computer to my brother, because video games were a big turn off for my wife. So while I was trying to change myself I got rid of that temptation. Absolutely, but that intel needs to be used strategically against the OM. Definitely agree with Dr. harley and you Mr.W. I need to lay down the pressure on OM but I need help doing it so I am not the " bad guy" I would focus on doing the right and necessary thing and not worry about garnering approval from adulterers and their enablers. Your goal is to save your marriage, not to gain approval from others. None of those people will be paying the price for a failure on your part to do everything in your power to bust up this affair. It is real easy for outsiders to judge you when it is not their ox getting gored. They are not in the fight for their marriage. I assure you they are not the ones who will pay the price for a weak exposure. YOU WILL. I think my exposure has been exceptional, especially on my wifes side of things. I guess I misunderstood Dr. Harley - I thought if I approached the OM again, and he goes to my wife and complains now I am the bad guy again. If some of my friends I've exposed to scare off the OM, then its a different story. I will never let her or OM know I'm on marriage builders until its recovery time. Thumbed through our marriage pictures again tonight... She is so beautiful.
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[
I think my exposure has been exceptional, especially on my wifes side of things. And I agree but it is not complete. The only big miss here is the OM's parents, family and friends. And that is a huge miss. I guess I misunderstood Dr. Harley - I thought if I approached the OM again, and he goes to my wife and complains now I am the bad guy again. If some of my friends I've exposed to scare off the OM, then its a different story. I don't necessarily mean you confront him at this point, but you do need to expose him to his parents, family and friends. That is a pretty deadly exposure because if his parents know she is a married woman, it is doubtful she will be welcomed in their home. That will wreck her future plans. Dr Harley told you to apply pressure to the OM. No one cares if the OM complains about you. He should complain about you if you are doing a good job of applying pressure to the affair. That is not a negative thing. I will never let her or OM know I'm on marriage builders until its recovery time. The OM should NEVER know anything about Marriage Builders. This is your personal source of guidance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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] [ I thought if I approached the OM again, and he goes to my wife and complains now I am the bad guy again. You do realize how irrational that sounds, right? To be concerned that the affairees would think you are the "bad guy" is foggy thinking. Don't worry about that! She will naturally think you are the bad guy no matter what you do.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok well I got some huge helpers going in to help me uncover the OMs weaknesses. I just don't know how to look - but they do.
Melody - thanks for being with me through all this. I am glad you deciphered Dr. Harleys advice here for me so I understood it a little better.
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Ok well I got some huge helpers going in to help me uncover the OMs weaknesses. I just don't know how to look - but they do. Bravo!!  Melody - thanks for being with me through all this. I am glad you deciphered Dr. Harleys advice here for me so I understood it a little better. You are very welcome! I am glad to help someone who is smart, strategic and proactive.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You are very welcome! I am glad to help someone who is smart, strategic and proactive. When its the most important thing in your life , you'd do anything right? While I'm working on the OM exposure - I just simply am at a lose still as to how to attract my wife back... I started writing every good memory I can think of about her down. I might refine it into a nice letter and give it to her on Thanksgiving? Also, my I missed my Pastor the other night. But I am trying to arrange an in person meeting with him. If he does reach out to her it may help a little. I feel like I am fighting a better fight now - two fronts. Finally getting some work done on OM while keeping people in motion on my wifes side.
Last edited by WrestlerChemist; 11/21/15 09:05 PM.
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I'm back to crying tonight. Nobody responding to any text messages I sent out today. I feel blatantly ignored tonight. I couldn't find anything to do in time before completely collapsing in pain...
I just feel so in the dark. What if my wife is out having a blast? What if she has not given me a single thought in days? Weeks? What if everyone that knows about our situation is "OK" just letting my marriage burn?
Thanksgiving is coming up and I have no plan as to how to approach my wife again. I don't know where she is living. I don't even know if she is still actively in the affair. All I know is I am alone and miss her deeply.
Back to rock bottom tonight - sorry guys...
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WC, so sorry you are in such pain tonight. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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A lot of us have been there and know how badly this sucks. sometimes it's just focusing on getting through the day. Hang in there - you're gonna be ok.
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I'm back to crying tonight. Nobody responding to any text messages I sent out today. I feel blatantly ignored tonight. I couldn't find anything to do in time before completely collapsing in pain...
I just feel so in the dark. What if my wife is out having a blast? What if she has not given me a single thought in days? Weeks? What if everyone that knows about our situation is "OK" just letting my marriage burn?
Thanksgiving is coming up and I have no plan as to how to approach my wife again. I don't know where she is living. I don't even know if she is still actively in the affair. All I know is I am alone and miss her deeply.
Back to rock bottom tonight - sorry guys... Hey man I know the feeling, as much as I live my WW she does not to have anything to do with me. Even when she prays with the kids she prays for the family but me. She acts like she is single and I don't exist, unless she needs me for something. I still love her and miss her, and writing this makes me want to cry. So so much pain it's just not fair you know, I really wish it was a bad dream.
BH 34
D-Day- 6/2015
Married 4 years
DD 11 and 4
DS 1
Plan A+Exposure
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I started writing down every good thing we've done together. I was thinking about giving it to her for thanksgiving. Title it like "100reasons I am thankful for " wifes name""
Only problem is I don't know where she lives...
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I'm back to crying tonight. Nobody responding to any text messages I sent out today. I feel blatantly ignored tonight. I couldn't find anything to do in time before completely collapsing in pain...
I just feel so in the dark. What if my wife is out having a blast? What if she has not given me a single thought in days? Weeks? What if everyone that knows about our situation is "OK" just letting my marriage burn?
Thanksgiving is coming up and I have no plan as to how to approach my wife again. I don't know where she is living. I don't even know if she is still actively in the affair. All I know is I am alone and miss her deeply.
Back to rock bottom tonight - sorry guys... The hard reality is that your old Marriage is over. Only a new relationship with her is possible at this point. When I was in plan A, I focused on trying to date my wife as if we had just met. Writing down all the good things in your M and focusing on the past is only going to cause you more pain. By identifying the problems your M faced prior to this and changing is a good thing. Dwelling on the past isn't going to help you. Focusing on what you have control over is empowering. You are in control of yourself. You are in control over the choices you make today and tomorrow. Can you find a way to date her and woo her back??
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My Wayward Wife only got ticked off when I had ANY reminders of all the great memories in our past together.
She replied, "That was then, this is now" and "I just don't have feelings like that for you anymore."
It's a losing cause when they are intheir Affair Fog. NOTHING from the past revives ANY good memories, NOTHING!!!
You will just windvup wasting your time and torturing yourself.
Save yourself the trouble and just do Whatever Plan A activities that you can sneek in, but you can be mopey and depressed when ever she sees you, otherwise none of the Plan A stuff will matter. She will just focus on how Your depressed attitudes is trying to make HER feel bad.
Remember. It's ALL about her and Only her right now. Your feelings don't matter at all.
LTL
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