No i am not. But I am NOT here for someone to insinuate for him to quit his job and disown his son. Unrealistic ideas. And that is all I am hearing from you.

No one has suggested any such thing. I don't have the free time to spend with someone who is not serious. Let us know when you get serious and we can help you find solutions.

He is not going to find another job. I think getting home at 5pm IS a decent hour...how is it not? He has looked for other options and this is the best one.
I don't "hire" stangers to watch my kids. And I don't know of anyone to watch them either. We don't have much of a social life. It's mostly just us.
How is riding with him to drop his son off spending quality time when there are others (kids) in the car?

As far as finding another program......I will. I just don't agree "your marriage is ruined if you don't devote at least 15 hours a week ". I'm sorry. But I think if we can aim for at least 2 dates a month we will survive!

Yes you have Melodylane! Every time I said sometime about his job and son you were there to quickly tell me how my priorities were worng and this and that. Like my only option was for him to quit his job and leave his son. Which I stated hes not going to do , thus, you had to of known thats the impression I was getting from you.

We will be locking this thread if this bickering continues. If you are here to find solutions and follow this program, the forum can help, but if not, this thread is a distraction to those who are seriously seeking help.

Do you have a serious question for the forum volunteers? If not, we will be locking this thread.

You have to do something about this. You don't necessarily have to follow MelodyLane's suggestions, but you have to find the time somehow - people don't stay in love without enough time to meet each other's emotional needs.

The two of you have to solve the problem together.

It's clear that by not doing this, you've created a situation that makes you unhappy.

I'm afraid you will be disappointed, but good luck to you.


You don't have to agree, but that is the conclusion of Dr. Harley's research into the subject, and most of us here on this website have personally verified it in our own marriages.

What other problems are you facing in your marriage besides lack of time?

How has following your own ideas about marriage helped you the last 9 years? You admit your lovebank is low ... Dr. Harley's program has been proven to work, if followed.

Did you read the quote from Dr. Harley about the hours in the week you have available to you?

Believe me. I know how hard it is to find a safe person, that you can afford to hire and that's after you get over the mindset that by having a babysitter you are compromising your kids morality.

However, you acknowledge that what you do or have done so far is leaving you out of love with your husband. At some point, even for your solution of two dates a month, you will have to take a new look and approach to hiring someone to watch your kids.

So my suggestion is.... you are home All day. Make some friends.Perhaps you could start with someone from church or a social group. Do you homeschool? Ask who other people with families like yours use for babysitting. Hire one of their teens that's great with kids and responsible. Hire the teen to come entertain your children a day or two while you do a project and can overhear and observe how they get along.
Or trade babysitting with another mom.
Or look for an older lady or widow who would love the time and interaction with your children and would love the job.

The point is whether you think 15 hrs is ridiculous or not, you are facing the need for change. Start a list of what might be possible instead of saying it is not possible and giving up.

Yes I did. If we are both thinking about the same quote. The one that was posted in this thread?

Im not sure. To be honest I am unclear what are true problems or just me "imagining" there are problems. According to my husband we are just fine.

Yes, the quote in this thread. You have plenty of time. But you, like the rest of us, will have to schedule it.

It is not uncommon for the husband to feel like everything is just fine while the wife is feeling like things are not quite right. Usually by the time the husband shows up for help, the wife is ready to leave him and is walking out the door.

What lovebusters are going on in your marriage?

Thank you so much for your reply. What you said makes sense to be. I just- I dunno...i really felt overwhelmed and freaked out earlier.. I honestly felt there was no hope. I want to see hope in this..(thats why I bought all 3 books). I know something HAS to change in our marriage but didn't know what. I'll be honest.....15 hours a week scares me to death! I am a planner and if things aren't planned out just so.. i can't deal with things real well. And knowing that I have to try and find time when I already feel there is none just overwhelmed me greatly.

I dont know yet. I just started the book so I'm not even finished with chapter one yet. My husband and I were supposed to do this together, i read, then he reads some in his own time and we come together and talk about it.

Well i guess I should say that I have plenty of time....its my husband who doesnt

It will be harder at first but like anything else, you will grow used to the new routine.

Some solutions, like the babysitter and riding along on the trips to pick up his son you can do this week or next.

Would the car trip count towards quality time?

Others, like a new job, down-sizing house and cars, etc., can take weeks or months. But you should begin building a lifestyle which supports the marriage.

The trip can be valuable time to share intimate cconversation, at least the time alone.