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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 2
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Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2015
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You guys sound a lot like me when I first came here. I had discovered Dr. Harley's principles and was wanting us to put them into practice, but my wife was not motivated to and I couldn't figure out why. I started counseling with Steve Harley and eventually we got into Dr. Harley's program where we got the help we needed to learn to negotiate. Just like MelodyLane described, that is what was lacking in us being able to make the program work. And the main problem was love busters. Like the husband here, I would not take disrespectful judgments off the table. In fact I was saying a lot of things that were disrespectful that I did not know were disrespectful.
Are you guys exchanging the weekly love busters worksheets as described in Love Busters and Five Steps to Romantic Love (the workbook)? This is the missing piece - this step is vital. You have to exchange these worksheets and save and review them and strive to achieve a blank sheet each week. This is how you learn what is disrespectful or what is an angry outburst, so you can learn to avoid it. If your spouse says it's disrespectful, or says it's an angry outburst - IT IS, even if you disagree (this rule bit me all the time. But by scrupulously following it I learned to avoid the love busters!) And if one of these behaviors happens, negotiation is off and you have to stick with "doing nothing" for now. If you want to do "something," you have to learn to lock up the nuclear weapons in the closet so that everybody is safe at the negotiating table.
Do the worksheets, and strongly consider signing up for the online program so a coach and Dr. Harley can help you eliminate the love busters - this will become much, much better for both of you. This is exactly what Husband says. He really has a desire for joint agreement to work but says he does not understand when he is making selfish demands or being disrespectful. we both agree that going through the course and having the extra support of the online program would make a huge difference in helping him identify these times and helping me identify my angry ourburts even when I feel I'm respoonding calmly and husband feels differently.
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Joined: Dec 2015
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Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2015
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Angry outbursts are my flaw that I've been adressing. The conversation we had the other night, however, was about wether or not my pickiness was a love buster. Husband felt I made joint agreement too hard by having such definite opinions, especially the fact that I simply don't like the newer stars wars. We had brainstormed and come up with just about every idea you suggested but husband was not satisfied unless he was able to own them (which I don't feel comfortable with), so it kept looping back to I was too picky.
We do own over 100 movies so I felt I was not extreme but honestly stating how I felt and then holding my ground as we went through several selfish demands to get me to change my mind.
When we couldn't agree on wether pickiness was a love buster we decided to post onto the forum to get some help.
We now agree that I'm allowed my opinions (even if they are hard for husband because he can't get what he wants) and that formally going through the program (versus reading the books) would help each of us make the changes we need to have a happy and healthy marriage.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
This is exactly what Husband says. He really has a desire for joint agreement to work but says he does not understand when he is making selfish demands or being disrespectful. we both agree that going through the course and having the extra support of the online program would make a huge difference in helping him identify these times and helping me identify my angry ourburts even when I feel I'm respoonding calmly and husband feels differently. The coaching program will really help you with this. The coach can help the two of you exchange and understand the love busters worksheets that make the process work, while helping you navigate around the emotional minefields. If you're both enthusiastic, sign up immediately! It's the love busters that are making things so difficult. Learning to identify and eliminate those is what has to happen - at all costs!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
When we couldn't agree on wether pickiness was a love buster we decided to post onto the forum to get some help. Calling you "picky" is a disrespectful judgment. The goal of the program is to respect your spouse's viewpoint. Calling you names and putting you down will NEVER result in an enthusiastic decision. Can you imagine if I went to negotiate with my top customers and called them "picky?" I would NEVER sell my product. Your husband will never sell his product if he doesn't treat you with respect and take your perspective into account. Disrespect is just a stupid strategy. We now agree that I'm allowed my opinions (even if they are hard for husband because he can't get what he wants) and that formally going through the program (versus reading the books) would help each of us make the changes we need to have a happy and healthy marriage. I absolutely agree. If my H and I can learn to negotiate with ease, then ANYONE CAN. It was the best decision we ever made. If you can learn to negotiate without lovebusters, you can create compatibility in your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Angry outbursts are my flaw that I've been adressing. The conversation we had the other night, however, was about wether or not my pickiness was a love buster. Husband felt I made joint agreement too hard by having such definite opinions, especially the fact that I simply don't like the newer stars wars. We had brainstormed and come up with just about every idea you suggested but husband was not satisfied unless he was able to own them (which I don't feel comfortable with), so it kept looping back to I was too picky.
We do own over 100 movies so I felt I was not extreme but honestly stating how I felt and then holding my ground as we went through several selfish demands to get me to change my mind.
When we couldn't agree on wether pickiness was a love buster we decided to post onto the forum to get some help.
We now agree that I'm allowed my opinions (even if they are hard for husband because he can't get what he wants) and that formally going through the program (versus reading the books) would help each of us make the changes we need to have a happy and healthy marriage. So now we've established: * Being picky is not a love buster. * Calling your spouse picky IS a love buster (disrespectful judgment) * You can't brainstorm (guideline 3) when love busters are still on the table (guideline 1). * Get some help learning to identify the disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts so they can be eliminated so you can negotiate solutions to your problems that will make you both happy
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842 |
Just want to note, having your Own opinion and not giving in to coercive tactics to make you change it is not an angry outburst. Neither is walking away from a negotiation that has become unpleasant.
Angry outbursts would be stomping away, slamming doors, raising your voice, a sharp tone, throwing things, sarcasm, etc.
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10 |
Why, markos? What can we learn from that thread?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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