Hi I am a new user seeking help. I am not yet familiar with the abbreviations so please spell it out. I also just ordered Dr. Harley's books and awaiting them. My situation seems odd but i will try to recap it without being too lengthy.

So i was married for 5 years. We were very much in love, very happy, everything seemed perfect. We had 2 girls quickly and found ourselves with 2 kids under 2. We were thrust into being mom and dad, both working full time, and lost our connection of husband/wife. Our marriage was becoming very weak. Then we decided to take a better job that moved us across the country. My wife was all for it at first but she quickly experienced ups and downs with it and ultimately hated our situation.

I will admit my faults. I did not listen to her and showed no interest in moving back as she wanted. I loved the job. We grew distant from each other over the first year being there. I in effect left her in a very vulnerable, lonely, desperate state.

During this time she began secretly talking with one of my co-workers and someone who was a friend and neighbor. He took advantage of her need for conversation and attention. looking back i saw all the clues but never realized or considered she would/was having an affair with him. After my wife and the lover talked, all day every day, for about 3 months it turned sexual. She engaged in a sexual affair with him for maybe 3 months. During this time our relationship obviously was horrible. She made the decision to take the kids and move back home with her parents leaving me stuck there for several months. I knew nothing of the affair. I went to counseling, worked with her, found a new job close to her, and moved back. For the next 6 months we were off and on with our relationship. I believe she only tried reconnecting with me at this point because her affair was impossible to continue and as she later claimed he quit talking to her.

How my situation is different: After that 6 months she filed for divorce. 2 months after the divorce she came forward, crying, and revealed it to me. My life feels worthless now. I never even wanted the divorce. And i still love her, yet hate myself for loving her and wanting her back. She claims the affair is over. She says that since she moved back he quick contacting her and they only recently spoke to each other via text messages. I know she was texting him prior to her telling me about the affair. She let me read the texts. It was her informing him that she was exposing the affair.

What should I do? I feel like the door was opened for me to walk away and I was shoved through it. How can i believe the affair is over? what are my steps and options? Right now we arnt talking but it has only been 4 days since she told me. She seems very angry at me and unwilling to talk. Please help

bsiefferman, Dr. Harley says that in most cases of infidelity he sees, the first real step toward recovery is exposure: telling everyone that is significant in the life of the wayward spouse and the affair partner. Tell her family, church, friends, etc. Tell the affair partner's family, especially his spouse, and his friends. Tell the affair partner's supervisor at work and the human resources department.

After that if your marriage is going to survive, she will have to never see or talk to the affair partner again. Any contact she has with him will keep you in pain for the rest of your life. Because you work with him, you're going to need to be looking for a new job. The two of you will probably need to move and she will definitely need to change all of her contact information so that he cannot contact her.

Do you have Dr. Harley's book, Surviving an Affair?

I ordered the book, still waiting for it. An to clarify...we are already divorced now. have been for 2 months. I moved and took a new job so we are both separated from the lover. After she told me of the affair i asked her to inform the lover's wife of the affair and she did. other than that i dont think anyone else knows. I think she told her parents but obviously she didnt tell them the whole truth because she also seem angry with me. i am afraid that if i expose the affair to that extent she will run farther away from me.

bs, welcome to Marriage Builders. It is very important that you FIRST expose the affair to everyone. Expose to the OM's wife, her parents, everyone. That is the first step towards recovery. Keeping the affair a secret will only help it thrive and grow and you will never be rid of this piece of crap. She has told you she is still in contact and that can go on forever if you don't put a stop to it.


Running the OM off via exposure is the key to reconciliation. What you said here is about as foggy as it gets because your wife has already "ran" off. You are divorced due to the affair! It doesn't get any more "run off" than that, my friend.

Please go read my exposure thread in my signature.

Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure. It cannot survive this affair. You have already lost just about everything for this affair. You have a chance to get it all back if you will expose the affair.

Your wife made the biggest mistake of her life. You can help her get out of the mess she has created if you will be proactive.

Thank you. I just send an email to his boss at work. His wife already knows. I have no other contact information for his family. So now i need to inform my ex-wife's family. I know they will not be receptive of my letter. To them their daughter walks on water and I think she has lied to them. They most likely will believe her over me.

Contact his wife rather than stopping at "she already knows." Exposure is about you telling people, not just people knowing.

Well I am at a loss. I cant even find her or other people on facebook.

There was no Facebook when I had to expose to the other woman's husband, and she lived in another country to boot, but with a bit of Internet searching I found him. Starting with just her married name and surname, I isolated him out of the many people living in Brussels who had that surname, and found a work email address for him, and exposed by work email (something that it is not easy for a spouse to intercept).

People's work email addresses are all over the Internet, because companies publicise the names and roles of people who work for them. My own employer does this and it drives me mad - but the practice helped me find OWH. You need to look harder, and be creative.

By the way, is your username your real name? You should change it, if so.

Ok thank you.

Ya I am getting no where with her family. Her mom replied saying they knew about it and didnt care. She called my exposure a blackmail and bully attempt and they will make sure its a "two way street".

She knows WHAT? And who told her? Have you heard from her VERY LIPS that she knows all about the affair and knows it continues today? If not, then you have not exposed to her.


You should be able to find the contact information on his facebook page or his wifes page.

That's ok. Some family members don't give ONE CRAP about their kids so this is not a surprise. The mother is probably an adulterer herself. You don't need the approval of crapwits. Just keep exposing and don't stop until you are done.

But contact the OM's wife TODAY without fail.

The lover has no facebook. I watched as my ex wife sent his wife a message on facebook. I also saw her response that she was already aware of the affair. Since then she deleted or blocked her facebook account. My ex mother in law called me and let me have it for a good 15 minutes. She basically said they knew of the affair and didnt care because i was pos to them. She tried saying she knew of terrible things i did that basically excused the affair. I asked for the examples and she could not provide them. She then calmed down and agreed that we need to meet with a counselor at least to get a relationship good enough to care for our young girls

Is there a reason why you are refusing to call this woman? I am utterly baffled.

I dont have her number

If you are too lazy to look up a phone #, then I consider this to be hopeless. Let me know when you get serious. I have very little free time to devote to someone who is LESS serious about his own situation than I am.

Yet.

Right. So far i can not find anything on the internet. No landline listings. Any suggestions?

You are a smart guy, you can find it..