So....update.
I probably should post more as I've been through a lot in the last year that I had MANY questions about during my separation and divorce, and I'd like to share that with people who are now in the situation I was in then. It can be very grim when you're in the middle of the storm or picking up pieces left in its wake.
Did online dating in 2016, got to know about 6 or 7 different girls pretty well, went out with few girls locally. Found someone very special, head and shoulders above the rest.
Some thanks where they are due:
- Thanks to board members for the advice I was given in this thread (I think?) on online dating. Followed it to a T, got good pics, kept profile from turning into novel (a real accomplishment for me if you've read my stuff here...brevity not a strong suit of mine), etc etc. Online dating is both frustrating and a lot of fun. Feast or famine, don't take it too seriously if you don't get a bunch of responses at first, keep reaching out to new people and you'll get flooded later.
- Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders is invaluable. Started as a freeloader and it helped me wait to settle until I found someone who's needs I met effortlessly and vice versa. Also used advice on Buyers to screen out a lot of women with renter attitudes about relationships. Those two filters combined made finding an outstanding candidate much easier than flying blind. You have a bunch of weird emotions that come up when you start dating post divorce and this helps you see through them, they aren't generally constructive. Divorce really sucks but if you can stick to your guns on this stuff you will find a better partner than you left behind, I promise you that. You have experience on how to spot bad partner traits and if you leverage that it's invaluable.
I'm engaged to ElleLian_84 who's posted in the dating forum. We started dating last October and I proposed to her on 9/2. I'm so excited because she is gorgeous and more fun than I've ever had with anyone, she is responsible/mature and a total buyer, and we are building this thing on MB principles from the get-go. She's already read His Needs, Her Needs and is working through Lovebusters and has just been gung-ho and totally enthusiastic about MB and Buyer attitudes in general. Has a humble attitude about relationships and very interested in learning how to meet each other's needs and protect each other's Love Bank, something that made her very attractive to me when we first were dating. Also,
practices good OS boundaries. Huge contrast to my ex and very exciting. There are some hurdles to clear in trust/intimacy with anyone after you've been a BS, and having someone willing to get serious on building an affair-proof marriage makes that much easier.
We've got a short engagement scheduled (only two months)...we've been keeping things pure and we also want to get started on a family (we're both 32) so...yeah.
Only other comments I'd make....divorced/separated peoples...focus like a laser on the idea of a personal history questionnaire. I'd wager most of you want a radically honest partner whether you reconcile or remarry...if you get involved in revenge affairs or casual sexual relationships...that will resurface eventually, and it will make you look really bad to someone you care about.
We all have temptations and battles to fight in that situation, and I had to turn down dates during my separation so I know it's hard...but I am very glad to have fought that fight and not have regrets now. My fiance has also told me it makes a difference to her that I didn't get mixed up in any of that (I've been honest with her that it was very tempting).
Just something to think about, I see a lot of people get tangled up in that on here after a separation and I understand why. Stick to your guns, always be focused on your future.
I'm sure I'll be back to ask questions now and then, it's been sort of a rubber-meets-the-road kinda thing as this relationship has got serious. Studying MB is easier than applying MB and I've tried hard to stick to humility as I know I will have a lot to learn about how this actually works in practice, to make sure we do it right and we do it together (and not with ElleLian_84 and myself having different concepts of MB....POJA!).
Thanks again MB!
