Imagine the fight it would cause if the OW had to testify in court that she slept with your WH.

One thing you can do is file using grounds of adultery, which will drag it out. Your goal is to drag this out so the affair will collapse before the divorce is final. Your state is not a fault state, but adultery is taken into account in custody and property division. They would subpoena the OW and force her to testify.

For now, you can just chill, but if he pulls some stunt and stops supporting you, you will need to file for divorce. And then you can drag it out for a long time.

Most attorneys only want to facilitate an easy, uncontested divorce that is over in a few months but that is not what we want for you.

Yes, this is something the lawyer did say.

Man I am so upset right now. I found out that a friend of ours knew about the affair! So upset.

Also WH made it clear to the IMs today that he wanted to talk to me. Also that he's meeting with his lawyer tomorrow at 2 and getting the process started.

Your IM doesn't need to tell you all of that. You don't need to know what he wants.

If he files, you can respond. Did your attorney mention of there is any advantage to filing first?

I can't remember. Did you expose at his work?

Ok.

The only advantage would be that if it goes to court, The filing party would go first and last in court.

Yes.

The answer is no. You should refuse to speak to your husband and hold your ground. You can just tell the IM's that the answer is no.

Sorry to learn that your "friend" knew about the affair and didn't tell you. Not much of a "friend."

I'm sorry.

You do find out who your real friends are, when you go through this.

This is true. Even talking with some girl friends I don't think they really 'get' it. They just keep saying "you deserve better" which is nice, I agree. But I want to make the marriage I already have better.

Bella, I have found this as well. Its difficult to try to convince people that you want to stay with your WS. Even my own brother has called my WW a "harlot" and "I deserve better than her."

I just say "thanks for your opinion, but I want to at least try to salvage the marriage I have - I made a commitment and I intend to honor it." Good friends and Family may not agree with you on it, but they will respect your decision...

At least that's what I have found. I know it does not help a whole lot.

Most people do not get it unless they have been through it.

Dr. Harley says he was very surprised when people started coming to him asking him for help to save their marriages after an affair. He didn't expect very many people to want to do that.

In fact, up until recently Dr. Harley said he would not have tried to stay married if that had happened to him - a couple years ago he started saying otherwise.

You do deserve better, and with the plans here you get it. Either your husband gets on board and gives you better, or you are protected from him for a better life without him. Obviously the preference is that he decides to get on board and do the right thing, and in that case this plan gives you the best chance possible to save your marriage in that you are kept as emotionally healthy as possible so as to be ready for recovery.

Even if you didn't want to save your marriage, the no contact, don't see or talk to him Plan B is best for personal recovery.

Tell the IM to filter out stuff like that. She can just tell him that since his request doesn't meet your terms, she won't pass it on.

All mine knew! The biggest and best effect of exposure was clearing the decks for much better friends.



Can she read the IM training thread? You should not have any idea what your WH is doing/thinking/responding. You have better things to concern yourself with.

She should respond "I don't see any pertinent messages to pass on under BC's guidelines. Let me know if any cancellations of visitiation etc" and then she shouldn't tell you anything about it.

It's good for her and simplifying the role too. She will become piggy in the middle if she plays ball with him



I remember how exasperating this was, but really weren't you surprised yourself that you wanted to recover? I was; I had no idea that most people do.

It's alarming to them that's all. A good way to reassure them is to talk about how high your standards are for your future husband! If your WH wants to be that person he is going to need to be VERY impressive indeed! They think you will let him slink back with an apology (which is what usually happens).

This plan absolutely protects you and my loved ones were convinced in the end.

I was very surprised that I would want to recover!

I'll have to remember this!

How is it going today?

Eh. alive.

You will feel so much better in a few weeks time.

You need little plans in Plan B. A stack of treats. Books, bubble bath, chocolate. Plans for every weekend. Hugs on demand. My best tips are funny friends and really silly movies.