Thank you, Melody.

I have done the lecturing about forgiveness, and I can see now why I shouldn't have been doing that. Using God to manipulate him into forgiving me is out of bounds. I will create this letter and list but I'm very unsure how to write to him about having a affair proof relationship, I don't know how to word things without coming off as I'm pressuring him again. I am 7 days no contact with him right now, and I don't want to break NC as I'm trying to give him space. Do you think you could help me with how I'm supposed to construct the letter, perhaps some examples or material for me to read? Also, what is showing compensation?

Affair-proofing and making the marriage better than before is Just Compensation.

Article on Forgiveness v. Just Compensation

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Just Compensation in a Nutshell:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
Examples: NC letter, phone number changed, email changed ...

2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
Examples: Facebook shutdown, Radical Honesty (no secret second life), job change, no more nights apart ...

3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.
Examples: Eliminate Lovebusters, POJA, PORH, meet EN, UA time each week ...

I haven't had any contact with the OM since August. I sent my XH the email he wrote me and my response to it, to show him I wasn't in contact and haven't been in contact since before then. OM and I worked together, he now lives in FL and I have changed jobs anyways. My XH is unwilling to have any contact with me at this point so it's very hard to give him romantic relations as he wont see me, and he's told me that he doesn't want a relationship where he has to check on me all of the time to make sure I'm not doing anything. What would you suggest I do since we are doing NC?

Respect his decision and leave him alone.

That's exactly what I intend to keep on doing.

What is Just Compensation?

Also, post your love letter here for feedback.

I'm in the midst on putting together the love letter, how do I address the issues with him feeling like if he takes me back it makes him weak, and condones my behavior without sounding like I'm lecturing? And also, the issues of what other people think, like his family and friends?

I know that we haven�t spoken in a little over a week, and that we are doing NC. I�ll continue NC with you, but I first would like you to hear me out. What I did was wrong. I�m sorry that I kept on lecturing you on how to forgive me, and telling you how you should feel. I didn�t notice what I was doing. It�s something I�m going to continue to work on about myself. You have every right and reason to feel the way you do about what has happened. I can�t imagine the pain that I have caused you. I know that your way of dealing with things and getting over them is to bury them, and that�s fine. But, I just want to suggest something different, if you�re up for it. I have asked for you to take me back 100 times, and you have told me the same thing 100 times about not working it out. I want to let you know what I�m more than willing to do for our marriage, and our relationship to show you that it would never happen again. I want us to have an affair proof marriage/relationship and these are the steps that I want to take to ensure that you can see the length I am willing to go to prove it to you.
My point to all of this is that, there isn�t any one thing I�m not willing to do to save our marriage and to save the last 8 years of our lives. I love you with all of my heart, and I don�t want back the relationship we had. I had a better one, and that�s what I intend on creating if you will try with me. To me, you�re worth all of the effort. You�re a great man, a wonderful provider, and highly intelligent. I�m lucky to have been able to call you mine, and my husband. I know that you are worried about looking weak, or looking like you going back to me is condoning what I have done. But, trying instead of failing is what I believe to be a strong attribute and not a weak one. My bottom line is this. I love you. I believe that there is something left to save and to make better. I believe that we have all of the tools at our disposal to be able to fix this, as very many couple are able to restore their marriage. Just ask yourself if you love me, if there is anything about the marriage/relationship that is worth saving to you, if you can look past other peoples thoughts, and do what you want to do with your own life (including my thoughts on what you should do). I�m willing to go as slow as you want to go, start out as friends if that�s what works for you. If you don�t respond to this letter, then I will continue to move forward and do NC.
1. I�ll always be completely honest with you about any which way I feel. I�ll be an open book. This will create a no secret zone.
2. I�ll have boundaries with male co-workers and friends. I will never discuss you or anything person with anyone of the opposite sex. I�ll eliminate any friendships, and will never pursue a friendship with a man at work or anywhere else for that matter. I�ll have zero male friends unless they are your friends and only talk to them when around you.
3. I�ll be completely transparent, you will have all access to my phone, email accounts, all social media, and if you want me to delete my social media I will. I�ll even download spyware on my phone so that you can read every text, or email, or see ever internet browser I look at. (I know that you don�t want to deal with having to do that in a relationship, but I�m telling you that this is the length I will go to prove to you that I won�t ever do anything again.)
4. I haven�t had any contact with Tracy since the last text I sent you with the response to him trying to talk to me. I�ve since then blocked his number and everything else. If you would like me to send him a text saying that we are back together, and that there is to never be any communication again, I will.
5. I�ll stay on top of my duties with my car, and be more responsible with my money. I have already started paying off the debt, and will provide the letters proving so. I�ll be more than willing to have a joint bank account with you, so that you know exactly where my money is going.
6. I�ll remain in counseling and we can do a couples counseling over the phone from home, to help us along the way of building a better stronger marriage.
7. I�ll apologize to every single one of your family members and to all of our friends for what I have done.
My point to all of this is that, there isn�t any one thing I�m not willing to do to save our marriage and to save the last 8 years of our lives. I love you with all of my heart, and I don�t want back the relationship we had. I had a better one, and that�s what I intend on creating if you will try with me. To me, you�re worth all of the effort. You�re a great man, a wonderful provider, and highly intelligent. I�m lucky to have been able to call you mine, and my husband. I know that you are worried about looking weak, or looking like you going back to me is condoning what I have done. But, trying instead of failing is what I believe to be a strong attribute and not a weak one. My bottom line is this. I love you. I believe that there is something left to save and to make better. I believe that we have all of the tools at our disposal to be able to fix this, as very many couple are able to restore their marriage. Just ask yourself if you love me, if there is anything about the marriage/relationship that is worth saving to you, if you can look past other peoples thoughts, and do what you want to do with your own life (including my thoughts on what you should do). I�m willing to go as slow as you want to go, start out as friends if that�s what works for you. If you don�t respond to this letter, then I will continue to move forward and do NC.




Above is the love letter I have put together. Is this ok? Any suggestions??

I would send him a letter that goes something like this:

Dear Joe, this letter comes from the heart. I love you and deeply regret my actions that led to the demise of our marriage. I am willing to do what it takes to create a safe, happy marriage if you give this another chance. I know we can have a great marriage if we are both committed. I am committed to that goal. Rather than just saying it, I want to present an action plan.

I have examined my own behavior that led to my terrible mistake and realize now that I have had poor boundaries around the opposite sex. I had personal conversations with another man which led to my affair. I know now that this is what led to my affair. These are the steps I will take to make sure this would never happen again:

1. eliminate opposite sex friendships, avoid personal conversations with males
2. change my cell phone # and email address so POSOM cannot ever contact me
3. eliminate social media accounts
4. give you full access to all of my email, cell phone,computer and bank accounts
5. never spend the night apart from you
6. create a completely transparent lifestyle

I would commit to a marriage program that would restore the romance in our relationship. I want to have a happy, integrated, safe marriage with you. I don't want you to ever feel unsafe with me again.

I apologize for my demand for "forgiveness" and realize that was inappropriate. Rather than demanding something from you, I am offering you an action plan.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

All my love, Kaismith

The letter that you wrote is much too long and wordy. You say several things that are best left out as they could be argumentative, and you definitely need to leave out statements about being prepared do whatever it will take to restore the marriage. If you were not already in a position where your ex is having freeloader sex with you, and has spent months keeping you the fence, a "whatever it takes" statement might be a good way of showing your commitment. However, given what you've been through, it would be a way of inviting more hurt.

The letter that Mel wrote makes each point clearly, and says all the you need to say. It is focused, which should mean that your H will read it through. It says nothing to indicate "doormat" behaviour, but it apologises for errors that you have been making recently.

I re-read this article, which lays out the requirements for recovery. I think Mel has done a good job of putting these requirements in the form of the letter.

Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair

Melody - do you think she should send him a copy of Surviving An Affair with the letter?

Thank you, I will re-write my letter according to your advice.

Kaismith, I want to emphasize something the others have pointed out: making sacrifices will not save your marriage. It does not endear your husband to you or help your marriage in any way. I would send him that letter and if he does not agree to be in this 100%, I would move on. You don't help anything by hanging around. It's not good for you and lessens your chance of reconciliation.

This letter comes from my heart. I love you and deeply regret my actions that led to the demise of our marriage. I�m willing to do what it takes to create a safe, happy marriage if you give this another chance. I know we can have a great marriage if we are both committed. I�m committed to that goal. Rather than just saying it, I want to present a plan.

I have examined my own behavior that led to my terrible mistake and realize now that I have had poor boundaries around the opposite sex. I had personal conversations with another man which led to my affair. I know now that this is what led to my affair. These are the steps I will take to make sure this would never happen again:
1. Take care of all my responsibilities, and show proof that I have indeed started paying off my debt, and will continue to do so.
2. Eliminate opposite sex friendships, avoid personal conversations with men
3. Change my cell phone # and email address so Tracy cannot ever contact me
4. Eliminate social media accounts, or give you passwords to all.
5. Give you full access to all of my email, cell phone, computer and bank accounts (joint bank account)
6. Never spend the night apart from you
7. Create a completely transparent lifestyle so that you will never have to wonder what I�m doing.

I would commit to a marriage program that would restore the romance in our relationship. I want to have a happy, safe marriage with you. I don't want you to ever feel unsafe with me again.

I�m sorry for my demand for "forgiveness" and realize that was inappropriate. Rather than demanding something from you, I�m offering you plan.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

All my love,


This is the letter Im going with. If he doesn't respond to the letter... Should this be my last attempt?

Giving him the passwords is not a solution. It still leaves the door wide open. I would just delete them if he agrees to your plan. That will be the safest thing for you both.


Absolutely!

I didn't notice that I have been trying so hard to sacrifice everything for him. I will send him this letter, and if he doesn't respond then I will move on knowing I've done all I could do.

Encouraging to see that you stuck around!


I would go ahead and just change your phone number and eliminate any ways that this POSOM can contact you - even if you do not reconcile with your BH, this man is not good for you and you are a danger to his marriage. So go ahead and at the very least change your phone number and email regardless.