I hope you are right. When I say sister/partner companies, I mean like the equivalent of Red Lobster and Olive Garden both being owned by Darden Restaurants...

She used to work at "Red Lobster" here in Ohio, she is moving to "Olive Garden" in SC while OM works at "Red Lobster" across the street. By all means, I hope the story follows her...

I went to the doctor today to beef up my AAs and ADs, I also told him I was not sleeping well at all - he said I could have acute insomnia but he said try over the counter stuff first (i.e. Tylenol PM, Benadryl).

I am trying to stay positive, but I won't lie, my support group is deteriorating with the news of her new job is SC. A lot of people are saying that this was the final straw -

"WC, its over, its time to move on"

"WC, I cannot realize it for you, you need to realize its over."

"WC, shes clearly done - just move on."

Ugh, I wish I could meet you guys in real life and some of my friends a couple times a week over the internet forums. Its hard because they just do not get it. I understand that there may come a time to move on but this is not it. THIS was in the plan! If I remember right Dr. Harley might have even mentioned it in our conversation that it may be a good thing if she moves in with him.

I just need to regroup in these couple days - it was just a big jolt again.

Ideally exposure would end the affair. That happens in some cases. But yes, this is part of the plan. You want to speed up the demise of the affair, and her being with him full time will do just that. Affairs can go on for a long time if they are kept a secret. The longer an affair continues, the less likely it is that you will be able to recover. Dr. Harley says that it's very rare for a marriage to be recovered if the affair lasts more than two years. In fact, I believe he always advises people to move on if the affair passes the two year mark because it's so rare. Your actions have sped things up, so you will not have to be in limbo for an ungodly amount of time.

That is the amount of time I have given her... I came to that with HPB. I am not going longer than two years...

I have told people that are not familiar with Dr. Harley's material that and their jaws have fell to the floor... They just do not understand.

I will say - the two years is even beyond the affair. If the affair ends and she does not immediately return, which I am assuming is a possibility, I guess I could still wait on her. I am just trying to get myself rooted into life with her not in it at the moment.

I guess time will tell, and I am starting to believe you all when you say all I did was speed up an unavoidable process - but its still waiting.

amazingly I still have some love left in the tank for her.


My mom came over today and started taking down all my pictures and other things with my wife in them... I know she thinks its helping but I am upset. I like having those things around. Its creating more triggers tearing them down then leaving them up... I do not know what to tell my family because they just tell me that I am in denial - its time to move on... blah blah. They do not understand the plan...

Yes, there's a possibility that she may hesitate to come back even if the affair ends. I think that's unlikely, but all I have is anecdotal evidence. I'm not a researcher. In all likelihood once the affair ends she'll come to her senses and reach out to you. It's still early, so I do think you should wait. Your family hasn't looked into the issue like you have. And I can almost guarantee that many of them would choose the same path as you were it to happen to them. Everyone says that an affair is a deal breaker...until it happens.

I remember how hard it was hearing so many people around me saying to give up/move on. They had my best interests in mind but it can still be hard to hear.

No fun, sorry you are dealing with that.

Just remember that most people have little practical experience with infidelity and zero clinical experience (like Dr. Harley) with saving marriages.

Merry Christmas to you, WC. Find some family and friends to spend time with. The people around you at least certainly know you are hurting.

I am nervous about not giving her this Christmas present... Dr. Harley and Joyce were so specific about it. I am just scared to just default Christmas over to OM.

SMB talked me down a bit on this... I am just going to stick to the plan of wrapping it and leaving it somewhere until its appropriate to give to her.

I agree with SMB.

Yup, the legal landscape has changed.

Yes, no need to bring unnecessary trouble onto yourself.

Hello WC,

I'm very sorry to hear that your W actually relocated to be with the OM and the impact it has on you. It has to be harsh that this happened during the Christmas season, but there is no good time for this. I am scheduled to serve at Mass tomorrow, Christmas Day, and altho I am not experienced here to offer you advice, there are opportunities for personal intercessions at every Mass and I will include a prayer for you tomorrow.

I do believe you should begin disengaging from thinking of your W and the life you had with her as well as the pain you feel and focus more on you - more time with your family this Christmas season, new interests, meeting more people, etc. Altho you're hurting and feeling panicky, there are always others who are hurting more. It happens by chance if you allow it - I met a guy who manned the Salvation Army kettle at my local grocery store - I go there almost every day - he transports himself by bike - and so do I at age 73. Well we became acquainted and today his last day there we shook hands and wished each other a merry Christmas. A very small part of someone's life, but it had me feeling happy for such a small Interaction. Same applies to you - I am not feeling the pain of loss that you are - but, try to focus on the fact that there are others in this world in need of attention and you will not only feel better and more energized, but you will not have to force feed your Plan A efforts, because you will simply become more admired - whether it's your W or the people you help. And calm down about her Christmas gift - she is not a part of you now and it would just be a meaningless token - so put it aside until and if she returns or if not, donate it.

Peaceful Christmas,
Tom

Very appreciative of the prayers Tom.

I am hosting my family for Christmas, a tradition that was exclusive to my parent's house for many years. I am trying to "own" Christmas for everything its worth, and distract me from the fact that my wife is no where to be found during this holiday season.

Merry Christmas everyone!

WC,

Just started reading your thread. I wanted to add this:

1 year is NOT a long time to "work on fixing yourself."
1 year is NOT a long time to "let God work on the things He wants to teach you."
1 year is NOT a long time to wait for your wife to completely emerge from the fog....I believe the Harley's say the actual length of time an affair ensnares someone can be 1-3 years. THREE YEARS!!!

THAT's how long it took for me and my hubby (he's ex-WS) to get back together again. We were divorced for two of those years....and then DID get re-married.

So, don't give up on anything at this stage. It's too early in the game for you!

God Bless,

WC,

If you have "a Word from God" on this, stick to your guns!

I knew, I really knew. I mean really, REALLY knew....God had told me that He was going to restore my marriage (this was shortly before the divorce was final - weird, huh?). So I went into the divorce totally calm. I KNOW OUR GOD IS A GOD OF RESTORATION! HALLELUJAH!

I had to listen to "well-meaning friends and family" also tell me I was "wasting my life," and to "get on with my life" (because I wasn't DATING someone!). I stuck to my guns. I KNEW what God had told me! This despite the fact that my WH had moved to the other side of our state! I didn't know how He was going to do it, but I had UNWAVERING FAITH that God was going to do what He said He would do (restore our marriage). He had told me He was.

You need to be listening to GOD, *not* everyone else. HE WILL TELL YOU WHAT HE WANTS YOU TO DO. And you'll have peace once you know what He wants you to do.

Praying for you, brother.
God Bless,

OlderWiser, what is your backstory? You seem to be promoting the idea that all that is required for recovery is prayer. That is not MB advice. Sure, God is involved in our lives and guides us. But a successful marriage is no more proof that we are in total agreement with God's will than economic success is. Recovery requires doing things, and one of the big ones is making sure that the conditions that led to the affair are mitigated, so that a repeat is essentially impossible. Trusting God is insufficient, and God sends people to Marriage Builders so that they will learn what they must do.

I'm happy to tell you, Eureka.

When my WH left, he left divorce papers in the mailbox. I had NO CLUE anything was wrong. And then one day he was just G-O-N-E. Needless to say, it was devastating. I did NOT "pray" at first. I raged. I got depressed....all the usual emotions.

But then I figured out I had to go on with my life. He was obviously DONE here. So I went back to church, and yes, praying and "God's Will" was very much an important part of our recovery. I started searching online for answers, or support, or SOMEthing! I was totally on my own. I found this site. I read and absorbed everything. Unfortunately, I couldn't do any of what was suggested. Although my WH HAD left for OW, he was TOTALLY GONE and had already decided for us that divorce was in the future. I couldn't Plan A. I couldn't Plan B. He had "Plan B'd" ME!

The one thing I COULD do that great folks around here suggested was to "work on me." I did. I got strong. I got out of my funk. That included going back to church (we had been out of church for about 20 years!). This spiritual connection became very important to me, and I believe was also part of what brought us back together. So while I appreciate your saying "it isn't part of this site's plan," I respectfully disagree with that. Especially if BS tells us that they are a Christiain. I know it was because of learning and reading everything on here AND praying and asking God what direction I should go that I was able to do what eventually led to us getting back together. In fact, I dare say I believe the Harleys ALSO believe God is in the "Restoration Business" and wants to bring marriages back together whenever possible....maybe more often than we think.

There are plenty of sites online that give people "advice" on how to move on with their lives, meet new people AND get into new relationships, often while TRASHING their WS in the process. This is not particularly productive while they are still dealing with the fall-out from THIS marriage/divorce, etc. So, I believe it is imperative that anyone give themselves, their relationships and God (if they are believers, which WC says he is) plenty of time to work things out! Marriages do not become screwed up overnight. It takes years to muck it up....and it might take almost as long to fix it!

So, yes, long story not very short - I did pray, I did work on me, I did ask God if divorce was what He wanted (and I would have been OK with it if it was), but for me - for us - God said "No. He hates divorce," and He said He was going to restore our marriage. And all I'm suggesting to WC is that he go to God (I think he already is), and ask God what direction he should go. He should be listening to GOD and not all his "nay-sayer" friends. Friends will ALWAYS tell you what seems expedient for THEM (not what is actually best for you), because they think they are somehow "sparing" you the pain. But I am only suggesting that for someone seeking to follow God, He may have a better plan. I did what I could to follow the Harley's plan, but in my situation, there was little I could do that was "textbook." The rest of our reconciliation was up to God.

And I'm not disagreeing with you that God uses this site to help people. I was responding personally to WC, since he stated he and WW are "believers."

I hope that clears things up a bit!

God Bless,

I am no where near giving up. Its my support group that is giving up. Many of them are checking out because they do not understand. I have told myself I will give her around 2 years.


While its hard to talk about recovery when I am potentially so far from it - I am in virtually constant contact with HerPapaBear and I am confident that I will at least be able to create a list of conditions and EPs for her - whether we can actually do them, especially her, is another story completely. I am appreciate of the encouragement from OlderWiser, and I recognize what MB advises for recovery mrEureka.


Trying to get this week started off nicely. Refilling my AA and AD prescriptions later. Per doctor's advise (who said I may have developed acute insomnia, which is not uncommon for this kind of life events) I bought some sleep aid pills.

My brother did confirm that she is not working remotely, that she is actually there in SC already - possibly missed Christmas with her family. It will be interesting to see how this pans out, but nothing is going to happen this week. In fact, it being New Years is probably a bad thing. She always wanted to go places for New Years Eve, but we never did (mostly because when it actually came time to go places, we both just fell asleep haha). But I would not be surprised if she and OM went to like Madison Square Garden or something crazy. Soon I think the finances are going to catch up with her, but who knows.

Had lunch with a couple friends this weekend that encouraged me with: "WC, there are multiple ways that this ends and you are happy. There is only one way that this ends and she is happy."

A friendly reminder to posters that the purpose of this forum is to help others find solutions using Marriage Builders concepts. This is not a platform for personal philosophies. Please familiarize yourself with our Terms of Service and the MB program before posting advice to others.

I totally understand, Denali.

Just giving encouragement to a brother in Christ.

Did not mean to go "off reservation!"

God Bless,

I would appreciate it if you would start your own thread where you describe your situation and your recovery. God sent *you* to this forum, too. We want you to have a romantic, affair-proof marriage. While the thoughts you have expressed here clearly show good will, they do not cause me to have much confidence that you really "get it". Marriage Builders is not just about surviving infidelity, but about building a marriage that truly prospers after infidelity. Many people continue in habits and behaviors that doom them to repeated failures. If that is not you, then tell us about it. Tell us how you have used Marriage Builders principles in your recovery.