I would put your curiosity on the back burner for now.

Unless you need clarification on what, exactly, you should not be doing (because he is unenthusiastic about you doing it) don't ask him to explain why he feels a certain way about something.

You could, though, ask him to brainstorm with you about solutions that he would be enthusiastic about (and you, as well).

one of the original coworkers got everyone gifts. He got something that sounds expensive from her. I have to admit my feelings are hurt, but how do you politely not accept gifts from people without leaving a bad taste in everyone's mouths?

He still hasn't transferred, but how do you just leave a job without ruining your chances at getting another with the same company? He can't just up and leave, but he is with the new coworker right now on night shift yet AGAIN. He is staying in contact with me but I'm too paranoid for that to be of any real comfort.

It feels like the heroin/meth example except it's not a trade-off. Just a capitulation. I feel trapped even though he at least makes it look like he is trying to make me feel better...I wish there were more options.

Good idea Kerala.

For now I would place a priority on getting his disrespectful judgments eliminated.

Are you exchanging weekly DJ worksheets?

Did you write down "said I was hypocritical" on this weeks worksheet?

Just checking...

IS THIS SITUATION ANY BETTER, or is your husband still abusive like this?

If this kind of thing is still going on, you have no business messing with the POJA. You need to get him to agree to follow the plan and actually follow it. As I've said over and over again, you can't negotiate using the POJA if he is abusive, because the first rule is to eliminate that.

If he won't do this, or says he will do this but fails, then you need to go to Plan B until he changes his mind. Are you willing to do that?

If this kind of thing is not light years, 180 degrees better, then I have no idea why you are posting about the POJA.

Here on April 20th you were going to Plan B:


Then here on December 11 you are still with him!!


What is going on? What gives?

The Marriage Builders program only works when it is followed. This plan will work for you, but not if you don't follow it.

Your husband is abusive and unfaithful and the program advises you to go to Plan B until and unless your husband is willing to STOP the abuse and END contact with the affair partners.

I don't see you doing that - nothing's going to work if you aren't willing to do that. So don't make sidetrack posts about trying to use the POJA with your husband. You can't use the POJA with someone who is unfaithful at work and abusing you. It just can't be done.

If you will follow the plan, you will recover, and you might save your marriage.

Hershey, can you help me understand this? This is his 3 year old and 1 year old from previous marriages, right? You are the stepmother of these children? Or am I confused?

What are DJ worksheets?

Ever since he moved in with me, things changed a lot. Not 180 degrees perfect, but FAR from what it was. It has been a very long time since I have heard truly vicious words out of his mouth. He really turned things around. However, after I hit him over his new coworker, he has been more short with me and is starting to yell or say hurtful things to me again. I think he is fed up with how I acted after all the changing he has done for me this past year.

I have no proof that my husband had ever had an affair. The abuse that was happening while we weren't living together had been reduced to almost nothing (until this last week, but it is still nothing close to what it was when we weren't living together). The shows we were on were posted on this thread and Dr. Harley suggested only going into plan B if he wouldn't leave his job and come live with me. He did, and things had been working out pretty decently with a few hiccups here and there... Mainly me wanting more undivided attention and him feeling stretched to the max.

I had 2 children out of wedlock before my husband and I began dating. My husband (then boyfriend) then had 2 children together out of wedlock. He was not there for me during my pregnancy with our second child (my fourth). He was court ordered to pay child support for our kids since we were not together (hadn't even spoken in a year and a half). In September of 2014, we began dating again. We got married in November 2014. In October of 2015 we had our 3rd child together (my 5th child). We went back to court in November 2015 to establish child support for our 3rd child as a safety net for me in case things start going south again. He has no other children outside of our marriage that I am aware of.

Are you legally married?

Yes.

Why, then, do you need to go to court to establish child support with the child's father, who is also your legal spouse? He is already obligated for child support. It doesn't make sense for you to do this. It sounds more like a post-nuptial agreement than an enforceable child support ruling.

He has a history of abandoning me completely including financially. Our first child was born out of wedlock and Medicaid required us to establish child support. I got pregnant with our second child out of wedlock and he abandoned us for a year and a half, only paying child support through the attorney general but otherwise there was no attempt to contact me or his children. Medicaid requires that my second child be put on child support as well so a court date was set during that 1 and a half year time period. We reconnected before the court date happened and got married soon after. I became pregnant with our third child a few months before the court date (within wedlock this time) for our 2nd. By the time that court date rolled around, he was again not speaking to me or our children and did not even meet us at court. I let the judge know we were expecting our third. She gave us a 3rd court date to establish child support for our 3rd child in case we still weren't in contact with each other.

Why would you stay with a man who must be forced to financially support his children?

The Marriage Builders plan doesn't work if you don't prove he's not having an affair.

It concerns me that you downplay his abuse like this.

He would argue that he would have financially supported his children but I dragged the government into it (I got the kids on Medicaid). When child support was set, he disliked it saying that he would have been financially supportive anyways and that I didn't trust him. I truly didn't because I'm not sure that he would deem everything I need money for as "necessary" expenses.

I'm not sure what the whole affair thing is you are talking about. As far as I know, he has never had an affair. Now, I do try to ignore certain things like knowing his passwords to the computer and Internet accounts and checking his phone records or his car and personal belongings. I do this because if I start, I don't stop. I'll complain to him and he becomes overwhelmed at the volume of complaints coming at him. I complain so much so fast because it doesn't stick in my memory to tell him later. I forget things really easily. And when I find out again it feels like I've been hit by a ton of bricks all over again. So until I can learn to retain information long enough to not flood him with complaints, and control my emotions enough not to be obsessed, I have made the decision to not go through his personal things. He also begins feeling like I am micromanaging his life very easily so I need to figure out a way to not come across like that. Maybe I am being demanding? Just because I don't think I am doesn't mean he doesn't take it that way.

I do have a problem with retaining abuse information and problems. I think I may have been conditioned to easily forget problems ever since I was young so I am finding out more and more how bad my memory is. Sometimes I wonder if that's normal for a woman though because even Joyce says she has a problem interrupting dr Harley when they're talking to get a point across because if she doesn't say it right then, she will forget. This doesn't bother dr. Harley. It bothers my husband though so I have to work on that type of memory issue. It's good to come back here and see what was really going on and the timeline in which it happened though.

So your abusive husband has you trained well.