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Yes, we've been married 15 years and together much longer. We dated for several years and lived together for a few years before we were married.
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I can try to never do it again, but I don't think promising is realistic. I do it when I'm upset. I'm not trying to force him to apologize. He's demanding an apology from me, and blaming me for him losing his temper. I never even mentioned an apology to him, it's just that I think he *should* apologize for yelling and calling me names. And he thinks you should apologize. But how does making that demand solve anything? It does not. I would drop this line of thinking and start focusing on eliminating your lovebusters and avoiding fights. You should commit to never having another brawl again. And I would strongly suggest you actually READ and follow the advice in Lovebusters.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I didn't demand that he continue to communicate with me. And the thing he said that I thought was a selfish demand was that it was never going to work if I wouldn't "let" him withdraw. The implication being that there would be consequences such as him getting a divorce. Isn't a selfish demand asking for something that benefits the asker but harms the other person? And is not stopping talking really on the same level as not stopping hitting someone? But you persisted in arguing with him when he told you he wanted to withdraw. Again, a selfish DEMAND is demanding that someone DO something. He asked you to stop, he was not demanding that you DO something. You were being controlling and bullying when you wouldn't stop. Do you believe that asking someone to stop beating them is a "selfish demand?" While there is a difference between beating and bullying someone, the principle is the same. Sorry, but I think it's going a little far to describe trying to reason with someone who said you're making them lose their temper as being controlling and bullying. I didn't get in his face, force him to respond to me, or have an angry outburst myself. He was free to leave the room or not respond to me. And I didn't do anything to cause him to lose his temper in the first place. All I said was that it would upset me if he changed the appointment to a time when we're normally together.
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We never said you Made him lose his temper. We did call out your Lovebusters.
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Sorry, but I think it's going a little far to describe trying to reason with someone who said you're making them lose their temper as being controlling and bullying. I didn't get in his face, force him to respond to me, or have an angry outburst myself. He was free to leave the room or not respond to me.
And I didn't do anything to cause him to lose his temper in the first place. All I said was that it would upset me if he changed the appointment to a time when we're normally together. I didn't say you caused him to lose his temper. I said you should stop trying to control him. Don't fight.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Have you read the Basic Concepts?
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I can try to never do it again, but I don't think promising is realistic. I do it when I'm upset. I'm not trying to force him to apologize. He's demanding an apology from me, and blaming me for him losing his temper. I never even mentioned an apology to him, it's just that I think he *should* apologize for yelling and calling me names. And he thinks you should apologize. But how does making that demand solve anything? It does not. I would drop this line of thinking and start focusing on eliminating your lovebusters and avoiding fights. You should commit to never having another brawl again. And I would strongly suggest you actually READ and follow the advice in Lovebusters. I'm happy to drop that line of thinking and have been all along. But he won't drop it until I agree that my behavior was "wrong". I will read Lovebusters again. I would gladly commit to never having another argument, but he keeps saying that he *will* lose his temper if I don't change my behavior. That seems like a threat and bullying to me.
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I'm happy to drop that line of thinking and have been all along. But he won't drop it until I agree that my behavior was "wrong". I will read Lovebusters again.
I would gladly commit to never having another argument, but he keeps saying that he *will* lose his temper if I don't change my behavior. That seems like a threat and bullying to me. Focus on your own behavior for now and stop fighting with him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry, I didn't mean that you said I made him lose his temper. He was the one who said that.
We've both read the basic concepts. I've read everything on the website, he's read some, and I've read the books and have listened to the show daily for the past couple months.
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Sorry, but I think it's going a little far to describe trying to reason with someone who said you're making them lose their temper as being controlling and bullying. Sorry, but you are mistaken. When an angry husband is trying to learn to eliminate his angry outbursts, and he tells you that he needs to get away, you LET HIM. You do not keep trying to talk to him. The first rule in anger management is "SHUT UP." When he feels like he is about to lose control, you need to let him follow that rule and get away from you. If you don't, then you are trapping him, which just might make the angry outburst that much worse (speaking from experience here). You CANNOT reason with a man having an AO. Leave the man alone when he needs to get away and calm down.
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Sorry, I didn't mean that you said I made him lose his temper. He was the one who said that.
We've both read the basic concepts. I've read everything on the website, he's read some, and I've read the books and have listened to the show daily for the past couple months. If you want anything to change, you have to USE the program and implement the concepts. Just reading it and not doing anything changes nothing. I would focus entirely on Lovebusters until you understand it and IMPLEMENT it. Put down your weapons. The first 5 chapters in particular. I would also suggest that you download the MB radio app and start listening evry day. That will help you gain a better understanding of how this program works.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry, I didn't mean that you said I made him lose his temper. He was the one who said that. Arguing with him over that is not going to get you anywhere. Respond with silence.
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I did not think that continuing to talk when he wanted to withdraw was a selfish demand, since I never tried to force him to talk or said or implied there would be consequences if he didn't. I do realize that it's not a good idea, though. I rarely lose my temper and always try to speak to him respectfully. I feel like what happened today was less of a fight and more him getting mad at me and me trying to resolve things.
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2 things I see...
1. Something we have discovered is my husband is terribly offended by face-to-face complaints. I write complaints in a journal he reads privately. He then brings the discussion to me at a time when he is not emotional. Perhaps a similar method would work well for y'all.
2. The two of you do not make a schedule together; therefore, both of you assume things about the available time. Start scheduling UA time, 20+ hours per week would be best until you re-capture the feeling of love. Also include time for family commitment of you have children. Then, there would be no confuse about what times are reserved for the marriage.
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I'm happy to drop that line of thinking and have been all along. But he won't drop it until I agree that my behavior was "wrong" Continuing the discussion when he needed a time out WAS wrong. Don't do it anymore, and move on.
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Sorry, I didn't mean that you said I made him lose his temper. He was the one who said that.
We've both read the basic concepts. I've read everything on the website, he's read some, and I've read the books and have listened to the show daily for the past couple months. If you want anything to change, you have to USE the program and implement the concepts. Just reading it and not doing anything changes nothing. I would focus entirely on Lovebusters until you understand it and IMPLEMENT it. Put down your weapons. The first 5 chapters in particular. I would also suggest that you download the MB radio app and start listening evry day. That will help you gain a better understanding of how this program works. We've been trying to implement the concepts. We've been working on emotional needs, but he hasn't finished Love Busters yet so we haven't been able to discuss it. I have the radio app- that's how I've been listening to the show every day.
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I did not think that continuing to talk when he wanted to withdraw was a selfish demand, since I never tried to force him to talk or said or implied there would be consequences if he didn't. I do realize that it's not a good idea, though. I rarely lose my temper and always try to speak to him respectfully. I feel like what happened today was less of a fight and more him getting mad at me and me trying to resolve things. When he asks you to stop, STOP. Forcing yourself on him is controlling and only fuels the fire. You can't resolve a problem with someone who is angry.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry, I didn't mean that you said I made him lose his temper. He was the one who said that. Arguing with him over that is not going to get you anywhere. Respond with silence. OK, I'll try...
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I did not think that continuing to talk when he wanted to withdraw was a selfish demand, But it is, regardless of what you think.
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I'm happy to drop that line of thinking and have been all along. But he won't drop it until I agree that my behavior was "wrong" Continuing the discussion when he needed a time out WAS wrong. Don't do it anymore, and move on. But what if I felt like I didn't do anything to make him lose his temper? It's really frustrating. I didn't talk to him in a rude way.
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