|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
You are wasting your time trying to justify your lovebusters.
Seriously, even if he SCREAMED at you to stop, that doesn't give you permission to continue rattling on. You don't get to lovebust just because your spouse lovebusted first.
Can you stop? I'm not trying to justify anything. I know it was a mistake to keep talking to him. I just wanted some empathy instead of people telling me I'm wrong all the time. It's hard living with someone with a short fuse. And I really just wanted advice about how to respond to his threat about leaving or hitting the ceiling if I don't agree with him. Your whole thread has been full of you justifying your behavior because of what he did. Look, I get what it's like to live with an angry man. Been there, done that. I followed the program, and that's in our distant past now. The program could work for you too, if you followed it instead of arguing. Your behavior was destructive. He's not wrong about that.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257 |
From what I've read/heard from Dr. Harley, it's very important how one asks for things, because it can be hurtful to ask the wrong way. I'll have a happy marriage if I don't let being spoken to disrespectfully bother me? Just to be clear, I'm not refusing to stop. I just have a problem with the way it's being asked for because it seems disrespectful. And I don't know how to respond to his demand that I agree with him that my behavior was "utterly disgusting" and done out of a desire for "stubborn gratification". You will not have a happy marriage if you keep doing what you are doing. There's a right way and a wrong way to handle things when you feel disrespected. You use the worksheets. You don't keep rattling on when he wants to stop talking, even if he asks in the wrong way. You don't get to lovebust just because he lovebusted first. So, from now on, when he wants to stop talking about something, are you going to let him? Are you going to drop the conversation? I've already said repeatedly that I will try.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
I hate arguing. I also hate having someone get mad at me all the time. Then why do you argue and brawl? There are now 3 whole pages of you arguing with us. That would drive most spouses crazy. What is so hard about just stopping when your spouse asks you to stop? I don't feel like I've been arguing with you. I feel like I've been trying to clarify my situation, and ask for clarification about identifying love busters. He never said me continuing to talk to him was a love buster, btw. You have been arguing through the whole thread and trying to get us to validate your bad behavior. I can tell you are in the habit of arguing and brawling.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
He never said me continuing to talk to him was a love buster, btw. It was, regardless.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
I've already said repeatedly that I will try. Don't try. DO.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257 |
It seems like you are just here to get validation to demonize your husband. You don't want to hear how destructive your own behavior is. I'm sorry it sounds like that. I'm fine hearing that my behavior was destructive. I've just been through something really upsetting, and I probably sound defensive.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257 |
[
I hate arguing. I also hate having someone get mad at me all the time. Then why do you argue and brawl? There are now 3 whole pages of you arguing with us. That would drive most spouses crazy. What is so hard about just stopping when your spouse asks you to stop? Life got a lot better for me when I stopped arguing with my husband. He was left to have an angry outburst in an empty room, with only silence from me. OK, good to know. Thanks.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
It seems like you are just here to get validation to demonize your husband. You don't want to hear how destructive your own behavior is. I'm sorry it sounds like that. I'm fine hearing that my behavior was destructive. I've just been through something really upsetting, and I probably sound defensive. So, your next steps are this: 1. stop fighting 2. read Lovebusters and follow the advice 3. tell your husband you would agree your behavior is a lovebsuter and you will not do it again 4. listen to the radio show every day Can you do this?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257 |
This plan doesn't work if you don't follow it. You're not following it, and I predict a catastrophic failure unless you do something to change. I've been doing my best to follow it. I didn't realize that continuing to talk was a love buster. Even so, I'd already told him I'd work on stopping it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
This plan doesn't work if you don't follow it. You're not following it, and I predict a catastrophic failure unless you do something to change. I've been doing my best to follow it. I didn't realize that continuing to talk was a love buster. Even so, I'd already told him I'd work on stopping it. What do you mean by "work on it?" Will you commit to stopping it?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257 |
You are wasting your time trying to justify your lovebusters.
Seriously, even if he SCREAMED at you to stop, that doesn't give you permission to continue rattling on. You don't get to lovebust just because your spouse lovebusted first.
Can you stop? I'm not trying to justify anything. I know it was a mistake to keep talking to him. I just wanted some empathy instead of people telling me I'm wrong all the time. It's hard living with someone with a short fuse. And I really just wanted advice about how to respond to his threat about leaving or hitting the ceiling if I don't agree with him. Your whole thread has been full of you justifying your behavior because of what he did. Look, I get what it's like to live with an angry man. Been there, done that. I followed the program, and that's in our distant past now. The program could work for you too, if you followed it instead of arguing. Your behavior was destructive. He's not wrong about that. I didn't mean to justify it, and I really don't think it was justified. I think it was an understandable emotional reaction, and I'm being crucified for it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Why not stop arguing? We are volunteering our free time to help you and you aren't helping yourself with the defensiveness.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Can you stop arguing and follow a plan?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257 |
[
I hate arguing. I also hate having someone get mad at me all the time. Then why do you argue and brawl? There are now 3 whole pages of you arguing with us. That would drive most spouses crazy. What is so hard about just stopping when your spouse asks you to stop? I don't feel like I've been arguing with you. I feel like I've been trying to clarify my situation, and ask for clarification about identifying love busters. He never said me continuing to talk to him was a love buster, btw. You have been arguing through the whole thread and trying to get us to validate your bad behavior. I can tell you are in the habit of arguing and brawling. Yes, I'm definitely in the habit of it, unfortunately. But I didn't mean to argue, and I wasn't looking for validation, just sympathy, and an answer regarding what to do about his threat to leave.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257 |
He never said me continuing to talk to him was a love buster, btw. It was, regardless. I believe you, but since he didn't communicate that to me, I didn't know that before.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257 |
It seems like you are just here to get validation to demonize your husband. You don't want to hear how destructive your own behavior is. I'm sorry it sounds like that. I'm fine hearing that my behavior was destructive. I've just been through something really upsetting, and I probably sound defensive. So, your next steps are this: 1. stop fighting 2. read Lovebusters and follow the advice 3. tell your husband you would agree your behavior is a lovebsuter and you will not do it again 4. listen to the radio show every day Can you do this? Yes to 1 and 2, already doing 4, but with 3 he didn't say my behavior was a lovebuster, he said it was wrong and outrageous, so I don't know if saying it was a love buster will fly. I'll try, though.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
Yes, I'm definitely in the habit of it, unfortunately. But I didn't mean to argue, and I wasn't looking for validation, just sympathy, and an answer regarding what to do about his threat to leave. Do you want to have a happy marriage or do you want to argue? What should you do about his threat to leave? Stop brawling. Stop behaving in ways that make him want to leave. No one wants to live with someone who is argumentative.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257 |
Why not stop arguing? We are volunteering our free time to help you and you aren't helping yourself with the defensiveness. Am I really arguing? Is it just that I don't recognize that trying to clarify my point of view is arguing? I just felt like you guys weren't fully understanding the situation so I was trying to respond to each post you made.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Why not stop arguing? We are volunteering our free time to help you and you aren't helping yourself with the defensiveness. Am I really arguing? Is it just that I don't recognize that trying to clarify my point of view is arguing? I just felt like you guys weren't fully understanding the situation so I was trying to respond to each post you made. Still arguing... I don't see the point in continuing here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 257 |
[
Yes, I'm definitely in the habit of it, unfortunately. But I didn't mean to argue, and I wasn't looking for validation, just sympathy, and an answer regarding what to do about his threat to leave. Do you want to have a happy marriage or do you want to argue? What should you do about his threat to leave? Stop brawling. Stop behaving in ways that make him want to leave. No one wants to live with someone who is argumentative. He's just as argumentative. I really didn't think I was argumentative. He said that he won't talk to me anymore until I agree about his assessment of my behavior, so although I've already stopped arguing with him, I don't think that will cut it.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
492
guests, and
106
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,038
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
