That's a positive update.

Staying in the house is best if you're going to continue Plan A, for a lot of reasons.

Awesome about church. Hang in there!

Thanks Ax.

It was a little encouraging to see that she offered to pay for the house... the house she is trying to sell? I dont know, maybe I am making too much out of nothing, but she might be a little torn...

Oh well... Invited friends over for dinner tomorrow (I am a great cook ) trying to keep looking good from the outside even when inside its tough.

I am a supervisor at work and had an employee just walk out the door today and quit. My boss and I joked together and I said "Dont worry, I am an expert when people I need abandon me." We both laughed and carried on...

Certainly feel like this week was a little better for me.

Her Maid of Honor just told me that my wife agreed to see her cousin (her cousin is making the trip to SC from OH).

I am not positive that her cousin is completely immune to the babble.. Oh well. I guess I do not have huge expectations.

Somethings recently make me believe that she kind of wants the life back in OH, but she is stubbornly trying to act like its all OK down south...

Just an update guys.

It's good to have tempered expectations.

I think every family has its own dynamic with regards to confrontation so it's really hard to know what might happen.

It's interesting that you have contact with one of her friends. Probably a good sign for how your exposure was received/understood. When it can build allies for the BS in the wayward's social circle its a very good thing.

You mentioned something about a coaching position a while back. Any news on that?

I did not get a single push back about exposure from any of her real friends or family - only from those at her workplace. Her Maid of Honor has been one of my biggest supporters, I have her and her husband over a couple times a month I would say.

I think I am going to take the coaching position. I am like 90% yes right now. Not because of my WW, but because of my day job. I am not sure how it will work out.

It is for next season so I would not be doing anything substantial until like June.

My other small business I started is doing OK getting started and I was recently approached by another friend about partnering for another small business...

I really kind of turning my emotions towards work: probably working 60-70 hours a week at my Chemist job (which needs to stop soon because I am salaried and its frustrating not getting OT haha), about 5-7 hours in my start up business, I suspect less than 10 hours in the small business my friend was talking about.

I have started to consider a new job... My degree is really for something other than chemistry and I came back to this area just for my Wife to be closer to her parents... I could be doing better some other part of the country (do not get me wrong, my family is also in this area so I like it a lot).

Another note about work, one of my friends has told me that he knows some friends in Sales that are desperate for a young guy (or gal) with good work ethic and he thinks I could be great for it...

Just starting to consider things without my wife's involvement now and days.

Its been interesting... but it gets easier each day.

Now is not a great time to make irreversible decisions.

Your emotions are misleading you. They are telling you that it is time to show her that you can "get along fine without her, thank you very much." Before long, your emotions will be telling you to date even before you are actually divorced.

Affairs take time to die a natural death. If you have any interest in saving your marriage, you need to preserve your love bank balance so you are still there when your WW turns to you. Most people don't make it that far because they listen to their emotions.

I hear you loud and clear.

Re-reading my last post I realize it may sound like I am trying to convince myself to abandon the marriage and move on.

A new job has been something I had considered pre-affair. The coaching position was a thing that I highly sought after pre-affair also.

I just meant, like, I try to not think about her too much - so I am not reminded of the affair too much. I feel like it keeps my resentment at a stand still... preserving at least positive balance in the love bank.

If she contacted me - I would very much like the thought of recovery with her. But she is going to have to establish some EPs for her wild and footloose behavior...I don't think I could do this all over again.

That's reasonable right?

Yes, you are being reasonable, but keeping a positive love bank balance may not be possible because love units expire with the passage of time. So, in spite of your best efforts to preserve them, you may well have no love left for you WW by the time her affair dies a natural death. Your marriage can still be saved even if you get to that point, but you will have to keep your options open and not make non-essential irreversible decisions.

As to establishing EPs to make future affairs impossible, we can deal with that when we come to that point. In a true recovery, your WW should want to avoid a repeat, too. When an affair dies a natural death, it does not leave a good aftertaste with the affairees.

I definitely have started to feel this effect a little bit. I mean - I have not even seen her face since the end of October. With no contact at all since the fist week in November. How do you preserve the love bank like that? Like you said, its somewhat not possible. I still love her, but I love her because she's my wife at the moment... not exactly healthy...

Like you said also, I have not talked too much towards recovery because it is possible I will never be there... but I am trying to get myself to the point where I will only accept her back if she is going to agree to them - instead of taking her back because I am desperate.

______

Another note, I got her updated financial disclosure today from my attorney today. Kind of rattled me... I think I will be ok though.

Hey all quick question for any one whose been there (or has not and wants to weigh in anyways)...

I am finishing up the Production of Documents request my wife submitted. Already extended its due date 30 days to slow things down - but the time is approaching to submit everything.

The very last segment of this request states "Any documents the defendant would like to present to the case as evidence"

I was thinking about adding the appraisal I got on her engagement ring, our marriage certificate, the abstract of marriage, a typed up copy of our vows and the entire box of wedding cards (about 90)...

Am I spinning my gears here? HerPapaBear told me "Send it all!" So I think I am going to go through with it.

Anything else you guys can think of adding to this?

I agree with HPB. Hang in there WC!

Wouldn't your and her attorney just end up charging you guys more for duplicating costs of everything?

That order is a scary prospect for me though. I'm hoping I can avoid it in my case, that WW come to her senses soon.

Thanks SusieQ. I am trying !

Staying more involved at church, more involved at work, more involved with my business. I took a picture of me this weekend and the first comment on it was "Wow, you look great!" I was really encouraged...

I just wish my wife would pull her head outta her butt... Maybe seeing the "Hope you have a wonderful marriage with WC" on 90+ wedding cards from people she cares about rings a bell in her head. Or reading the verbal contract her and I made before God and all our friends and family...

I dunno

Instead of putting the wedding cards in my production of documents I thought about doing this -

I was going to get all the wedding/shower cards, all the documents and fun items we got from our honeymoon, all the cutesy things I ever made for her (notes, letters we wrote back in forth in college, etc. all kept in a box currently), and lastly her journal to our unborn child and put them into a box. I was going to write a little note inside - something Plan Aish with help from posters and SMB&HPB (if they agree this is a good idea).

Then I want to ask my attorney to how to get it straight to my wife (through her attorney or whatever) regardless possible blow back - if she whines harassment. I just want him to do it. I imagine it would be simple to defend a harassment claim.

I just need to get rid of it. IF she throws it away, oh well... if she comes back she can bring it all with her, otherwise I don't ever want to see it again.

I just feel like I am not doing anything proactive - made take a little chance to PlanA her a tad... even though my strategy was wait until he offends her and the affair crashes...

I dont know... any thoughts?

sorry guys - I am just not having a good day.

I think I am going to try to take my dogs to the park tonight to play...

No thoughts on how you sending all of that to her will affect her, but it will for sure be a weight off your shoulders. In fact, to be honest, I think it will help you play the long game here.

At some point all of the little things like that stop being reminders to keep your lovebank account for her afloat, and turn into little daggers that make you resent her. They make you feel bad and they don't help you Plan A.

You will get emotionally divested of her getting rid of it, but to be honest in this case I think that will give you better clarity and an upper hand in evaluating any offer she might make down the road to get back with you. A false recovery would be much worse for you than ending up divorced. Best to have your wits about you.

On Plan A, not being proactive, etc...there's just not much you can do in this situation, man. It sucks, but it is what it is. This is a waiting game.

Thanks ax.

Here is what I have planned to do, with SMB, HPB and MrWondering's advice.

I am going to attach the marriage certificate, the abstract of marriage, the engagement ring appraisal and one to two wedding cards strategically picked out in my submission of "Production of Documents."

The rest I am going to box up and stow away. If she throws it all away, its all gone forever, even if she comes back and says shes sorry - its all lost.

If its stowed away out of sight and out of mind, at least I still have it should we recover. If not, I will just toss it myself.

Finally handed over my Production of Documents - at the same time my attorney's paralegal gave me my wife's stack of production of documents... which comically was nearly 6x the size of my stack (guess someone is taking this very seriously).

Anyways, I was pretty hurt by the answers she provided in her paperwork. She used the phrase "DO not feel comfortable providing for my safety."

I am not a monster...

Pre-trial on Monday so I guess there's that.

She's going to portray you to the court as a violent, unstable monster that's trying to destroy her life and is a threat to her physical safety.

That's how she will justify the abandonment and complete lack of communication to the court, very typical strategy for WWs. You can pretty much count on that, I've seen it happen here dozens of times.

You/your lawyer need to be ready and thinking about how to talk about things like exposure, because she will probably try to put you on the defensive about it.

What's a good way to address exposure? I have a feeling that may came up in my case as well. (I saw my wife's notes talking to her lawyer, she wrote "unreasonable.")