My wife and I have been married for the past 19 years, together for 24. High school sweethearts. We have three children between the ages of 13 and 19. I work about fifteen minutes from our house while she has an hour commute.

In June of 2014 I discovered that she was sexting with a past co-worker. Once confronted, she admitted to the sexting but I never saw any of the texts as she deleted them before I could take a look. She admitted that they were inappropriate. We went to several counseling sessions but ended them after about three months when we became dissatisfied with the counselor.

Five months ago (September 2015) my wife admitted to me, out of guilt, that she had been having a physical affair with the same man. They had obviously not stopped their relationship after my discovery of the sexting and the relationship became physical in January of 2015. While the other man no longer works at my wife's current job location, he did live within 45 minutes of a remote site that she traveled to for one or two-night trainings. These trips occurred, on average, once a month. She admitted that they had sex but stated that they used a condom each time. I demanded that she be tested for STD, to which she complied and was found to be negative.

On D-Day I demanded that she choose between me or him. She said that she could not. I was taken aback. It made sense to me later on. She had felt that she had ruined all we had together and wanted to leave the other man as an "outlet" or maybe I was that "outlet"/fall-back. During later counseling sessions, I learned that they had discussed going to Europe together to live, long term. She had planned to leave me.

I never exposed the affair to everyone. I have a few guys at work I've confided in and she has told a few of her closest friends. My oldest two children know and my parents are aware. Here parents are both deceased and she has several siblings, but I'm not sure how many know.

On D-Day I had her call the OM to say it was over. A week or so later we had to make that call again. The second time around I talked to the OM and told him to give us a chance to work on the relationship. If she didn't want it to work, she would be all his. Later, when questioned, my wife admitted that she had been e-mailing the OM on her work computer. We then wrote "the letter" and she has ceased all contact as far as I can tell.

I've been riding the roller coaster of emotions over these last five months. During the highs, I believe that I'm falling in love with my wife all over again. The sex is great and I'm working to do a better job of showing appreciation and affection. When I swing into the lows, I have little self worth. I feel like I'm in competition with the OM, worry about my appearance and sexual anatomy/performance. I also feel betrayed and disgusted.

During the past two weeks, my wife has been on a 2-week conference about 4 hours form home. We have skyped every night and my two youngest kids and I visited her for the weekend. She is set to come home in two days. This business trip has put me into another "low".

I would like to be demanding about her job, specifically the fact that it is an hour away, that she works long hours (salary position), and that she has to take trips (she no longer does overnights where the OM lives). I'm just not sure how far to push. She took this job for the increased pay and personal satisfaction, but its been taking a toll on our relationship long before D-Day.

I feel that I've been doing my part to fix my faults. I racked up some healthy credit card bills but I'm attacking them full force and I'm happy with the progress. I've also curbed my spending drastically with relation to my many hobbies. Its difficult for me to work on the affection that I need to improve when my mind is filled with thoughts of the affair. I've been the one to initiate the therapy sessions and have yet to cancel or reschedule a visit due to work conflicts. This comes first.

My wife has given up the contact with the OM and the overnight visits to his area. She tries to leave work on time but she seems to have issues shutting it off for the day. She rarely brings work home, but her daily routine is a mess. I've asked her to read one of the books I bought about relationships and affairs but she hasn't picked it up in a couple of months and only read a couple of chapters. About 50% of the time she has to re-schedule a therapy visit due to a work conflict. Sometimes, I take her appointment. I'm just not getting the feeling that she's as committed to this as I am.

I know there's hope for our relationship. I want it to grow stronger and have seen proof that it can during the highs. I'm just so angry and disappointed at times. Sometimes I feel that I want her show me proof that she is still communicating with the OM so I can end my marriage. As if that would ease the pain somehow.

Am I headed the right direction? Should I ask her to leave her job for one closer with no travel? Her job is her life, its what gives her purpose.

Give my some advice.

Sorry I feel your pain. I was there a few months ago, I was gaslighted by my WW as well. My instincts told me she was going through the motions and when I dug deeper I found out the truth. Sadly I believe your wife is still communicating with OM.
Read Melody Lane's Exposure thread and follow her advice. Have you exposed to OM's family? Is OM married? That can be very effective.
You should definitely ask her to leave her job. Her sense of boundary is impaired and past behavior has proven that you cannot trust her on overnights.

Right now I don't have any solid proof that my wife is still communicating with the OM. I'm also feeling that 5 months after the fact is a bit too long expired for exposure tactics. Especially if they are indeed not communicating.

Dr. Harley recommends exposure even years after an affair is ended . read Exposure101 and comedy back. Do not discuss this with your wife.

You didn't expose, you don't follow any EPs, your wife has no accountability.
You have a plan for failure!!!!!!!!!
Follow the plan of exposure, and EP's.
If not-
Good luck to you.




PS- She is still active with the OM or someone else.- guaranteed.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Hi Ranger, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. What you need most of all is a plan to save your marriage. Most marriages do not recover from infidelity because they don't follow a plan. They might stay together but they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage, leaving the marriage more vulnerable to an affair. As such, resentment grows and gets worse. You don't have to be like that if you can follow a plan. Howver, when you replace the wrecked marriage with something better, the pain of the past fades away.

I would give up the counseling [a distraction because therapists have no earthly idea how to save a marriage] and focus on affair proofing your marriage and creating a romantic relationship. That is what this plan will do for you.

And yes, your wife and you not spend another night apart, however that is achieved. Her traveling job has wrecked your marriage and skyping, phone calls, etc will not compensate for the emotional detachment that is caused by her job. Nor will it eliminate the temptation and the opportunity for her to have an affair. She can easily contact the OM when she is out of town and he can even travel to her town. Your emotions are warning you about her business trips and you will be perpetually triggered when she leaves.

Please read through these links and come back and lets talk: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379

In addition to the checklist from Surviving an Affair that apples posted above, here is another quote from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders:

In addition to the advice you have already been given, I think you need to be more assertive in standing up for your marriage. Telling the OM that he can have you wife if she chooses is him *not* the sort of thing you should say. Women expect their lovers to be passionate about them. That comment sounds uncaring. OMs are scoundrels, and what caring person would consent to surrendering the person they care about to a scoundrel?

When it comes to the OM, trying to appear reasonable is not to your advantage. It has been over five years since my wife's affair. We have fully recovered. Yet, I have to say, if I were to happen upon the OM tied to an anthill ...

I agree with MrEureka am somewhat shocked at your wimpy reaction to the OM. Complacence reflects a lack of caring. The only message the OM should get from you is that hell is coming his way if he does not bug off. He is a dirtbag and you should run him off.

The second phone call to the OM, the one in which I spoke to him, was rather blunt. After my wife unconvincingly told him that it was over, I took the phone and told him that we were going to work on our marriage and he was to leave her alone. Admittedly, I said some wimpy stuff - talked about her going to him if we couldn't work it out. Eventually, from other things I said, he became defensive about me passing judgment on him. I let it fly at that time.

Here are some radio clips from Dr. Harley on what how to confronting OM.
Dr. Harley "I encourage BHs to confront OM"

Ranger, did you read my posts?

Yes I did. I'm overwhelmed at this point with the responses here and am confused on what to do next.

I will be picking up my wife from her business trip tomorrow evening. I feel like I want to confront her and ask her if she is still having contact. I want to look at her phone and I'd like to take a look at her e-mails. The very latest contact that they had, to my knowledge, was e-mails on her work computer (roughly a month or so after D-Day.

When I have asked my wife in the past about texts, e-mails, or other contact she has been forthcoming. I feel, however, that if I'm not asking, she's not telling. So, if I ask she doesn't really have the capacity to lie, but she won't volunteer info. Sounds silly, maybe it is, and maybe I'm too trusting. Outside the affair, she has always had difficulty or an inability to lie to me. Me, not so much trouble with that.

The affair was exposed to family and most friends. The OM is divorced so I'm not sure if he has a significant other that I could contact. Not sure that exposing the affair to my wive's boss is a good idea due to the use of government e-mail for some of their conversations. My boss and some close co-workers know. My two oldest children are aware, because I told them. MY youngest daughter (13) has not been told. So, basically, a partial exposure of sorts.

I know some folks here have replied that she's still communicating. I'm not getting the vibe that she is. She has been very remorseful and constantly expresses her feelings for me.

I'm in a whirl-wind.

My wife said that my lack of affection and appreciation were the driving forces to the affair. I know that the OM worked where my wife works for awhile, but took a job that's now outside of that agency and 4 hours from here. The affair became physical at one point when she did overnights to a remote training site (he lives 45 minutes from there). That continued for about 8 or 9 months before she said the guilt overcame her.

During sessions with our therapist, I learned just how close I was to loosing her. They had talked about working for the agency overseas and moving together. When asked about what would happen with our children, she said that she would have asked them if they wanted to go to Europe, but if not they would be in good hands. Knowing that they had worked out a plan scared me. I didn't want to loose my best friend.

I haven't pried for the details of the affair. My therapist has recommended against it. I'm unsure if I want/need to know everything.

My wife is very driven and values her career above everything else. At least that's what her actions show. She has said that my past spending habits necessitated the move into the job that she has now. There can be truth in in that I guess, but I feel that its her trying to prove to herself and everyone else that she can reach the top. In reality, I think she needs to leave her current job for one that does not require travel and is closer to home. I have my doubts that she can swallow that pill.

Her current job is a salaried position. She regularly works long hours and then has the 1-hour commute on top of that. I worry about her driving after dark and usually get upset with her and shut down if she's running late. Aside from the money, nothing good (in my mind) has come from her current job. We don't have much of a family life during the week and this is where the affair was facilitated. I know that she should leave this job for our marriage's sake, but it'll be a hard sell.

Do you have spyware on her devices?

No

You need to have a Plan to get spyware on all her devices when she comes home from her business trip. Are there any devices that she has at home now that you cane get spyware on?

Ranger, my advice would not be to ask her. That is not a strategic way to get the truth. The best thing to do is install spyware on her phone and a keylogger on her computer without her knowledge.

I would also insist that she find another job ASAP that does not require travel. In the meantime, I would try to travel with her or have her cancel any business trips. Your marriage won't survive this if you don't.


Stop asking. She is as dishonest as everyone who has an affair. Or she would not have hidden it.


I would confirm that the OM is divorced and see if he has a significant other. I would also find his facebook page and expose to his family and friends. If this is a workplace affair the affair should be epxosed there. And most certainly your 13 yr old child should be told. There is absolutely no legitimate reason to not tell all of your children, there is only downside from not telling them.


You won't know if she is and you won't get a "vibe." Remorse has never ever prevented a affair or facilitated a recovery. What will recover your marriage is affair proofing your marriage and creating a romantic relationship.

You need to start snooping and stop assuming things, my friend. You can't deal wiht the situation if you are not dealing with FACTS and evidence.


We understand. We are not emotionally distraught and many have recovered our marriages so we can be of help if you can follow a plan.

The driving forces behind your wife's affair was:

a) lack of boundaries around men

b) a job that allows her the freedom to have affairs

c) an emotional detachment in her marriage driven by a traveling job

She will continue to have affairs unless and until the conditions that led to the affair, her traveling job and her poor boundaries are addressed and resolved. She would have never had an affair if she had not allowed another man to meet her needs. THAT IS HOW AFFAIRS BEGIN.


The therapist does not understand that she was dealing with the equivalence of a falling down drunk. The therapist does not understand the foggy mind set of an adulterer. Very little that your wife said in these sessions was rational or meaningful. I am sure none of it made any sense.


Like I said before, a therapist is not experienced or qualified in dealing with infidelity. In order to recover, you need to know the facts of the affair. This is critically important. If you don't know, you will imagine the worst. And of course oyu will never trust her again as long as she and the OM have secrets to which you are not privy.


Anything that comes before your marriage will come between it. But you have already learned this the hardest way possible. This will be your future if this does not change. You have a right to ask her to put your marriage first and stop engaging in marriage wrecking behavior. Her job is wrecking your marriage.