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Originally Posted by Woundednotbroken
You are resisting though. You don't ASK your attorney if you should file, you file. Its not your attorney's choice, its yours. Lawyers want an EASY divorce, not a contentious one.

I think you're assuming a lot. I spent 90 minutes today with the senior attorney analyzing everything logically. He's been doing this for over 20 years and his wife is one of the family court judges, so he is very knowledgeable. We went over all the pros and cons and basically he explained there is no advantage in rushing to the court first. Again, it is about venue and possibly the psychological edge. Makes zero difference in the financial outcome and temporary support.

He is perfectly willing to file the case tomorrow if I wanted but said it will just cost more money up front.

He gave me an interesting proposal for WW so I am running it by her now, to keep the legal costs down.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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What was the proposal, Lost?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Give her an offer for a lower amount than the support the computer program would have given in exchange for money up front, and give her the first and last month's rent. She would get those anyway if the judge hears the case she is preparing to file next week, based on the formula. In return, slow down the filing of the divorce and see if we can work through our problems and reconcile.

He said pretty much the same thing you said, Melody. WW is in an angry haze and so am I, we're clouded by emotions. Some time apart may be helpful for us to really assess the situation. WW is already getting wind of cold reality as I've been passing her bills to her. Even with my support, she will need to crimp her style.

He has his doubts whether WW and I can ever reconcile. He gave an analogy of heart attack patients who continue to smoke, even though their doctors tell them it will kill them. While I'm not as pessimistic as he is, it does give me pause about how likely WW is going to truly come around.

I proposed it to WW and she was quite shocked and surprised. She's going to talk to her lawyer and we'll see if we can work this part out. In our state, the financials are pretty much formula driven so all the lawyering won't move the dollars much, one side or the other. It will just move them into the lawyers' pockets if we file motions back and forth in bitterness. He said his son already graduated from college so he would rather see the money used for my son's college.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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I received a comforting email from WW's best friend from high school. WW has continually blocked her off since the Exposure, afraid to listen to the truth. Her email was sympathetic toward me and she gave an example of a friend of hers who was also betrayed by his wife but was later able to find another woman and now they have fantastic marriage. I encouraged her to continue to try to reach out to WW.

Still, I feel so down today. I am angry because I feel everything is so unfair. I'm the one that was betrayed yet WW is making me to be "the bad guy." The worst part is she got people like MIL and her cousin to buy it!

I was not perfect but I am not the Devil. I did so many things right, am a loving father to my son, made many sacrifices so we can live in comfort. In return, I received betrayal and rejection! Even when I make a good-faith effort to be amicable about the separation, I'm dealt with harshness and suspicion. Where is the justice in this world? Why am I the one being punished?!?


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Sorry to hear this is so hard, Lost. We understand how devastating this can be. Just know it won't always be like this.

Did your wife decide to take you up on your offer?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
Why am I the one being punished?!?
The answer to that question is pretty simple. Your WW knows that the best defense is a good offense.


me-65
wife-61
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DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Sorry to hear this is so hard, Lost. We understand how devastating this can be. Just know it won't always be like this.

Did your wife decide to take you up on your offer?

Unfortunately, as I expected, she didn't go for it. She talked to her lawyer and she wants to still file the case. She wants me to give her the lump sum directly, instead of to the landlord. And also she wants me to give her a custody schedule in writing.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by mrEureka
Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
Why am I the one being punished?!?
The answer to that question is pretty simple. Your WW knows that the best defense is a good offense.

You're right. I was playing a good offense when I started the Exposure process. I had her cornered but I underestimated her deceitfulness and overestimated her sense of fairness.

It's not fun now that I have to play defense. Unfortunately in my liberal state, the man is always exposed. I have the higher earning so everything is going to get peeled off me, instead of the other way around. It's terrible.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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She wants me to give her the lump sum directly, instead of to the landlord. - Never give a wayward money!!

I had her cornered but I underestimated her deceitfulness and overestimated her sense of fairness. -Classic mistake we all made. Now you know, so don't let that happen anymore. There are books published on how to take advantage and use every dirty trick to punish the husband in a divorce situation(my ex-crazy a$$ wife had 2 and she used them). Probably written by attorneys-LOL.

Unfortunately, you are stuck in defense mode i believe.




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Originally Posted by NebDane
She wants me to give her the lump sum directly, instead of to the landlord. - Never give a wayward money!!

I had her cornered but I underestimated her deceitfulness and overestimated her sense of fairness. -Classic mistake we all made. Now you know, so don't let that happen anymore. There are books published on how to take advantage and use every dirty trick to punish the husband in a divorce situation(my ex-crazy a$$ wife had 2 and she used them). Probably written by attorneys-LOL.

Yes, that's why the attorney and I were trying to get ahead of the game. But WW may be planning to file a Request for an Immediate Hearing which will push me to give her the funds anyway.

Our system sucks.


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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One of my original Exposure targets, a college friend of WW, has been setting up lunch dates with WW, only to have WW make excuses each time and break them. I got in touch with her and found she was very determined to help us though, so I gave helped her "surprise" WW by coming to our house without letting WW know. She ended up talking to WW for five hours a couple nights ago to the wee hours of the morning.

WW admitted to her friend that what she did to me was wrong. She said she had a lot of this bottled up in her even before we got married. She had doubts about marrying me but went through with it anyway, and then had a child seven years later. Her friend asked her, why did you stay married for 17 years then???

WW told her friend that the affair was just Emotional and not Physical. There is no chance because OM has to stay overseas and she has to stay here for DS. She told WW she should do some counseling, even on her own, to fix her own issues. When she told WW that whatever she do, she must not contact OM any more, WW stayed silent.

WW's friend told me she sense WW is very conflicted and confused about where she is right now. She is definitely clouded by the affair but also her own anger and shame from my Exposure. She vacillates between leaving and staying. WW agreed with her that I'm not "a bad person and a very good provider and father to our son."

But WW's pride is not letting her back down when she talks to me. WW is still pushing on the custody and divorce front. I restated the offer to pay the rent directly to the landlord, and compromised on the 50/50 custody split. She has not confirmed the apartment (but is very close). She wants some moving expenses but I told her I'll pay the apartment directly.

I asked her about the counseling. She said she might be open to that "later," and if she did that, she will do it "on her own." I was trying to see if I can get Steve Harley to do it with us but she rejected that. She must hate being judged for being her true self and pierced through the lies.

My question to the forum now is, how do I Plan A since she will move out imminently (maybe next week?) We won't even see each other except for custody exchanges and baseball games.

Do you think there is any hope for Plan A for us? Or am I a fool and should just cut my losses and move on, like most of my friends told me? Part of me wants to believe that my marriage can still be saved, but the other part is facing cold reality in that this is the second betrayal for the same OM. Her friend told WW that I must love WW a lot because she would have tossed her a** on the street the first time around!


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
My question to the forum now is, how do I Plan A since she will move out imminently (maybe next week?) We won't even see each other except for custody exchanges and baseball games.

Do you think there is any hope for Plan A for us? Or am I a fool and should just cut my losses and move on, like most of my friends told me? Part of me wants to believe that my marriage can still be saved, but the other part is facing cold reality in that this is the second betrayal for the same OM. Her friend told WW that I must love WW a lot because she would have tossed her a** on the street the first time around!

I think you have nothing to lose by hanging in there and executing a great Plan A for the next several months. I think it will start making a difference when she moves out because reality will intrude on her little fantasy. When she gets out she will realize what a fool she has been to bust up a good marriage for a big fat nothing. I honestly think moving out will be the only thing that can wake her up because this fantasy has been so persistent and so long term.

You have nothing to lose. Give it a great Plan A for several months. If nothing changes, then go into a dark Plan B and perhaps move the divorce along.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Question is, how do I do a great Plan A when she won't even be around for me to talk to? It was hard enough to do under the same roof to do Plan A, when she's gone... I guess I need to cross that bridge when I get there...

The other thing that her friend said is that she might actually like being "free" so much, still get my support $, and half my assets that she is happier without me, and carries on with OM telephonically. That is really the worst case scenario for me.

One other question: If I am going to try to do a Plan A during the separation, how should I handle talking to other people that were not Exposure targets? E.g. our son's friends' parents, teachers, etc. People who really won't be able to help with our marriage, casual acquaintances, etc. I'm sure WW will be extremely mad if I told them the true reason for separation. Should I just leave it vague? Or tell them the truth as well, "WW was having an affair with her ex-boyfriend so she moved out after 17 years of marriage"??

Last edited by LostOnWestCoast; 02/08/16 07:43 PM.

Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
Question is, how do I do a great Plan A when she won't even be around for me to talk to? It was hard enough to do under the same roof to do Plan A, when she's gone... I guess I need to cross that bridge when I get there...

You do your best when she does reach out to you. And I assure you there will be opportunities. You can also reach out to her occasionally.

Quote
The other thing that her friend said is that she might actually like being "free" so much, still get my support $, and half my assets that she is happier without me, and carries on with OM telephonically. That is really the worst case scenario for me.

If that happens, and it may, then you are better off without her. And I do know of a marriage that ended that very way. The wife ended a 30+ year marriage over a PHONE affair with a married man.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Thanks. How about the last part of my question, how to talk to acquaintances about it?


Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by LostOnWestCoast
One other question: If I am going to try to do a Plan A during the separation, how should I handle talking to other people that were not Exposure targets? E.g. our son's friends' parents, teachers, etc. People who really won't be able to help with our marriage, casual acquaintances, etc. I'm sure WW will be extremely mad if I told them the true reason for separation. Should I just leave it vague? Or tell them the truth as well, "WW was having an affair with her ex-boyfriend so she moved out after 17 years of marriage"??

Absolutely, they should be told the truth. These are people who have a direct impact on your son's life and they should know so they can support him. You have nothing to hide. Sure, you don't need to advertise it in the local newspaper, but there is no reason to keep it a secret [or be vague] with people who interact with you and your son.

In fact, I would make it a point to meet with your son's teacher and tell her about the separation and the affair. Your son will likely go through an adjustment period and his teacher needs to know the truth.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Let me reiterate, Lost, that a "great Plan A" does NOT mean you attempt to have heart-to-heart talks with WW, or get her to admit she "misses you" or the "way things used to be" or anything of the sort.

Plan A is for YOU to meet as many of her EN's as she will let you. If it means fixing the broken porch light she asked you to do 5 years ago, do it! If it means picking up your dirty socks, do it....

Just be the best option (as a partner) that you can be. It'll make her think twice when she IS out on her own (or with OM), about how you do take care of the little things around the house, or how good you are with your son, etc.

Get it?


Once I was BW. Now happily RE-married!
I was there. It's painful. It's hard.
But it's totally doable and worth it.
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Absolutely, they should be told the truth. These are people who have a direct impact on your son's life and they should know so they can support him. You have nothing to hide. Sure, you don't need to advertise it in the local newspaper, but there is no reason to keep it a secret [or be vague] with people who interact with you and your son.

In fact, I would make it a point to meet with your son's teacher and tell her about the separation and the affair. Your son will likely go through an adjustment period and his teacher needs to know the truth.

Thanks. I expected that was going to be the suggestion but I think you are right. Even though it will be awkward, I really have nothing to hide. Her college friend confirmed to me today that she felt I didn't do anything wrong and WW is the one who messed up. Even all the revisionist stories about how mean and condescending I was could not hide the fact that she was the one who had the affair.

Do you think I should wait until she moves out to do this? I'm just wondering when to trigger this inevitable conflict. I know this was one of the big taboos for WW, my MIL, and her cousin, i.e. all the Enablers. They claim I'm just out to "embarrass" WW by "airing dirty laundry." They told WW she doesn't have to worry because she's not a "celebrity." Ha.

WW was all afraid to know whom I Exposed her affair to, and wouldn't go to events and parties where people would know. I guess now that the cat (will be) let out of the bag, I might as well tell everyone who cares about it who interacts with WW.

Last edited by LostOnWestCoast; 02/08/16 09:56 PM.

Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
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Originally Posted by OlderWiser
Let me reiterate, Lost, that a "great Plan A" does NOT mean you attempt to have heart-to-heart talks with WW, or get her to admit she "misses you" or the "way things used to be" or anything of the sort.

Plan A is for YOU to meet as many of her EN's as she will let you. If it means fixing the broken porch light she asked you to do 5 years ago, do it! If it means picking up your dirty socks, do it....

Just be the best option (as a partner) that you can be. It'll make her think twice when she IS out on her own (or with OM), about how you do take care of the little things around the house, or how good you are with your son, etc.

Get it?

Got it. I've already been doing these things for a couple months so it won't be a stretch. She readily admits to people how good of a father and provider I am to the family. I just hope she can see what I am doing when separated.

Funny thing is I've dropped 15 pounds since D-Day, mostly because of stress and not sleeping well. I'm just a few more pounds to trim down to the ideal weight that WW wanted me to get to. I fit in my jeans from ten years ago now! I assure you though, this is the most painful way to lose weight that I know of.

Last edited by LostOnWestCoast; 02/08/16 10:02 PM.

Me-BH, 47
Spouse-WW, 47
Married for 18 years
DS, 11
D-Day #1 - November 1998 (7 months after wedding)
False Recovery, 16 years
D-Day #2 - November 2015
WW filed for D - February 2016
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 428
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I lost 37lbs the hard way too...use it as a springboard to where you want to be and use your new found slim trim n racy look to be confident and carefree around WW!


BW, me - 44
WH - 47
Married 2.5yrs
EA 6-2015 estimate
PA 9-2015 estimate
D-day 11-22-2015
WH filed divorce 11-23-2015
Exposure 1-10-2016
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