Just know that most adulterers blame their affairs on their spouses initially as a way to keep their spouse off balance. Your wife is no different. Unfortunately, you have a fogged out "therapist" who has sadly validated that wrongheaded thinking. The logical outcome of such a belief is that you just need to do a better job of need meetin otherwise she will cheat again. If you fail again, she will feel entitled. You will be meeting needs at the point of a gun all the while the real reasons go unaddressed.

Secondly, you need to find out everything you can about this dirtbag. Does he work there? Is he married? Is he shacking up? Find out everything and unleash holy hell on him. OM are dirtbags and cowards who are easily run off.

Here is the message the OM should get from you:

I seriously doubt that your wife was overcome by guilt when she told you. It was far more likely that something happened in affair land that motivated her. She probably had reason to fear that someone else was going to get to you first, and told you so she could spin a story and affect some damage control.

Also, get a Voice Activated Recorder ASAP (USB sticks are the best). Learn how to use it and stick it in her car. Find out what she is doing in her one hour drive.

I'm sorry to admit but I was as oblivious as you. Listen to Melody Lane. I was in denial after the Exposure, I trusted my MIL would control my WW. However, I knew something was up because my wife was making a half-assed effort at reconciliation. I felt she was going through the motions. Melody and others on this forum called it. After I put in the VAR and really started searching I found the secret second cell phone and that my WW and the POSOM were still communicating, despite denying it to everyone.

DO NOT REVEAL ANY OF THIS TO YOUR WIFE. I was a little careless and installed the non-hidden version of the phone spyware, SMS Tracker. Unfortunately she figured it out and I lost the use of that tool. Pay the $50 or so to get the hidden version, it's totally worth it! It activates the GPS tracker as well so you will see where she's been going.

The other advice I have is once you discover the evidence, collect as much as possible and wait a day to think about what you are going to do with it. I got too emotional and I made tactical mistakes with the information by confronting her right away with every little thing I found. Really think it through like chess, and think how your WW will come back when confronted with each fact.

The same thing occurred to me. That is why I think he needs to investigate the OM to see if he is married. Also, he may have been fired when the employer found out about the affair and she was afraid ranger would find out.

what is the best spyware for the phone? I believe that will be my starting point. I don't have a way, I believe, to get onto her work computer. It is a government computer so I would need admin rights to install anything on it. That was the last avenue they used to communicate. She, at one time, showed me texts that he sent to her. She left them on the computer unopened and said that she left them that way to prove she was having no contact. Should I ask her to allow me access to her e-mails by bringing her computer home? Not sure how to check up on those.

So, the thought that the OM no longer works there may be exactly what you're saying MelodyLane. Maybe work found out and he was fired. My guess is that my wife wasn't the only one in his sights. She said that he was a male whore at one time (umm, then why were you with him?)

I have access to his FB page and will look into a mass message. I believe he has over 350 friends or so.

Here's how D-Day went down. About two or three days before D-Day, we were laying on the bed and were talking about taking a trip. I asked to see her phone so that I could look at the directions to our destination and she held the phone back. I got pissed and went out to the garage. We didn't talk for the next couple of days. I was pissed because I had discovered her sexting the previous year (with the same OM). I was never able to see the texts as she deleted them all and I wasn't persistent with my attempts to search the SIM card.

Anyhow, on D-Day I was laying on the bed and my wife came and sat down. She asked me what I was thinking about. I told her I didn't think we were going to make it. She said that she agreed. I began questioning her about having an affair and she admitted to the emotional/physical affair with the same OM. I destroyed her phone with a hammer after the OM texted while we were talking.

Chekc out this thread here and also pick up a voice activated recorder as LostOnWestCoast suggested. You can buy one here and put it in her car or computer bag.


I would find out if he still works there and find out as much as you can about him.


You won't be able to send a mass message and it wouldn't be taken as seriously as a private message. I would try to find his family members and closest friends and expose to them via private message using the talking points in my exposure thread. Study his facebook page and try to find about 50 of his closest family and friends.

Did you read my exposure thread?

Best one for Android phones is SMS Tracker, but practice on your phone first to see how to install the hidden version. It is tricky.
Not sure about iPhones.

There are also ways to recover deleted texts and photos using a PC.

Got the same attitude...during the false recovery.

You can tell real recovery by the fact when wayward spouse totally owns the decision to have an affair.

I dont understand something. You claim to have done exposure at least to some degree, although incomplete and ineffective. Are you saying the exposure had no effect? No relationships changed? Parents, children, friends? Nobody put any pressure on her?
You told your boss and coworkers, big deal, do they even have a relationship with your wife?
And if you are not going to inform her company about the affair then you are blowing a huge advantage. Because you are too scared of the fallout? Losing the income?
So your marriage is less important than her job, really?

Align us all on this.

You allowed your wayward to go on a 2 week away from you work trip, and thought nothing of it? WOW!

You need to wake up and smell the coffee.

Now is the time to be a man, and not a wimp.

There is a program/app called "Wondershare Dr. Fone" available for both Android and iPhone that will allow you to recover deleted texts and photos off of a phone. Try it.

On Sunday after church I asked my wife to sit and talk with me about the affair. I explained without the complete honesty and transparency that a successful marriage requires, we would not be able to move forward. I told her that I wanted her to leave it she would not do this for me, for us. She initially refused and said that she would prefer to do this in front of the therapist. I explained that the therapist was not giving us direction, only listening and allowing us to vent. After some more resistance, she began to talk. I asked her to tell me the story of how the affair developed and where it was today.

I knew he had been a co-worker, but she told me more. She told me that he was quiet, like me. Initially they didn't like each other but he opened up to her about his speech problem when they were assigned a task. From what she said, I think she took it as a challenge to get him to open up. The OM was married at the time but it was rumored that he had a girlfriend (someone other than my wife). Several of the women at work were out to get him due to his infidelity. It sounded as if it was a forced move of sorts. He eventually relocated. As he left, my wife said that they only exchanged a hug goodbye, but kept in touch via texts and phone calls. She admitted that they eventually turned into sexting and other inappropriate conversations. My discovery of the sexting in June or July of 2014 and the resulting therapy sessions had no impact on the relationship.

January, a year ago, was when the affair turned physical. She said that they had never met in person during her business trips until then. It was at that time that he spent the night at her hotel room. This occurred, on average, once a month during these trips. She also admitted that she had spent a couple of nights at his house when I had visited my parents with my children. Once, she lied about a business trip away from her normal work location and rented a hotel to meet him there.

She told me that, since D-Day, the only contact she has had with him has been via e-mail. She said that she doesn't love him as she once did and that everything is different between them now. She answered several other questions that I had for her. I was proud of myself for not interrupting her and remaining calm through this. I wanted her to feel unthreatened and willing to tell the truth. I thanked her for her honesty and I felt like a weight had been lifted.

Before leaving the spot where we had parked, I told her that I was going to call him and tell him, myself, that it was over. She pleaded with me to let her say those words. With the phone on speaker, she made the call. I was not entirely happy with the conversation that she had with him, mainly because I had in my mind what I wanted to say and she didn't exactly say what I was thinking. Once she hung up, I got aggravated about some of the words she used with him. In essence, she said that she appreciated the friendship that they had but it was over. That she wanted what she had with me and not with him. She told him that this was to be the last contact they would ever have and to not send her anymore e-mails.

What now?

Without my wife present, I am going to talk to the OM tonight. I am not going to tell her about the conversation. I will explain that my marriage means everything to me and that I will unleash hell on him if he continues to pursue my wife. I have ordered a discrete voice recorder and will employ that in my wife's car. I will couple that with a monitoring program on her cell phone, these two things I should have done when I discovered the sexting.

She has agreed to look for another job closer to home. I explained that this will have to happen in order for our marriage to continue. In the meantime, she will not do any overnight trips unless I can accompany her. We have also agreed to lay out each day's plans for each other the night before, in a notebook.

I am at odds right now with full exposure, but I will tell my youngest (13) about it in the next day or two. I realize that exposure may be my best tool, but I'm struggling with it. If I expose my wife at her workplace she will likely loose the opportunity to relocate closer to home with a government job. I want to leave that a possibility. I am hesitant to expose him on FB for this same reason. Should his relatives, or he himself notify my wife's place of work, her chance for future government employment would be at risk. I am prepared to fully expose and to have her leave the house if she fails again.

Hi ranger, you have made some good progress but it will all be for naught if you don't follow through with a full exposure. Your window of opportunity is closing as we speak because the longer you wait, the more opportunity you give your ww and her boyfriend to rally. Calling him and making empty threats that are not backed up by action will only help him better understand your strategy so he can continue his love affair. You should stop talking and run this man off.

Expose this affair to everyone, starting with the OM's wife, family and friends. Have your wife put in her 30 day notice TODAY and tell her if she is not gone in 30 days, you will expose to HR.

If you refuse to do this, I give your situation very little hope. You have to stop spinning your wheels and taking the path of least resistance. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to save this.

Also, if she does not put in her notice tomorrow, you should not wait to expose at work. I bet if you call his wife you may get an earful.

"ly loose the opportunity to relocate closer to home with a government job. I want to leave that a possibility. I am hesitant to expose him on FB for this same reason. Should his relatives, or he himself notify my wife's place of work, her chance for future government employment would be at risk. I am prepared to fully expose and to have her leave the house if she fails again."

By placing her job before your marriage, you are risking your marriage. Exposure is your greatest weapon in saving your marriage so it is irrational to forgo it just to protect a little government job that has all but destroyed your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy so keeping this a secret only helps the affair thrive and gives the OM free reign to continue to pursue your wife.

You cannot afford to cut corners like this.

Act like a man, not a waffling scared mouse.

EXPOSE!

If this sounds harsh, it is exactly what I wish someone would have told me to do, instead of being afraid.

Expose. The above people are RIGHT...as harsh as it sounds...you NEED to hear their harsh but truthful words to snap you into reality.

I exposed too late...wish I would've done it sooner.

You need to realize how precarious your marriage is. I realized too late. You may generate anger from your WW now if you Expose fully, but it will be much less pain than what you will face later when she leaves you for the OM (or another OM she will find later on!)
You cannot trust what she is telling you. If so, she would have told you the truth the first time around! It is like peeling an onion, you are getting layers and layers of lies to justify her affair.
Only way to end their affair is to kill it head-on.
Forget about saving her job. What is more important to you, your wife or her government job??? It's like money, you can always make more. You cannot put a value on the pain you will suffer because of the affair.

When will you be exposing?