I just got an email from her attorney through my attorney. The claws are coming out. She is asking for an advance or will go to a judge to get stipulation, as well as the support payments. It's terrible because I did such a great job with our assets and investing it's easy for her to just carve it up now.

I have no problem paying for the expenses. But like you said, I have a problem facilitating her leaving. But it looks like I'll just have to hand over the money.

I am steadily losing faith in WW. When she first mentioned separation, she told me she wasn't interested in my money or house, I can keep them, etc. But now I can see what is coming down the road, and I am sure it is going to get ugly. She will take half of what I built up over 20 years and live large without me around!

Id tell your attorney to let her go to a judge. I highly doubt a judge is going to say that you need to fund her moving out. Besides, getting you to agree to an advance ahead of any court order could just look like you giving her a gift and then you'd just have to pay her MORE.

Ask for atty fees as well since SHE is filing.

Not that simple. Going to be by income test so it'll eventually come out of the division of the assets, if the divorce goes through.

I had some drinks with my best friend and his brother. The brother went through a Jerry Springer-type divorce so he had some words of wisdom for me. (His D-Day was because of a speeding ticket photo of his WW with another man in a different state mailed to his home). He thinks I should just go to Plan B and be done with it.

He tried Plan A for months and got strung along for a lot of money and heartache. He bent over backwards for her, helped her repair her car, fix her computer, etc. throughout all this time. She even fooled him into buying another house in another state, and she ended up with custody of the kids and the OM in the house with her. Certifiable worst case scenario. Of course the OM left after a few months as predicted by Dr. Harley. Needless to say, I'm not using his lawyer.

He thinks the sooner I detach, the more attractive I will be to WW, and if she is going to come back, she would. Trying to do Plan A, being helpful and a good husband, will just end up being the doormat that is thrown out when the divorce is final. He has not been educated in MB so I told him he probably didn't do all the right steps in Plan A. But his results are quite discouraging.

Don't be discouraged. Every situation is different with different people and personalities. Stick to plan A until she moves out and then go dark with the plan B letter to her beforehand.

Very true. My WW is not his FWW. (Although I knew her, never knew the whole story, and how ska**y she is!) "Your mileage may vary." What Melody Lane and my attorney said is good advice. Getting WW out of the house should improve my mental health and my stress level.

It was good to talk to a fellow BH though, as my best friend is well meaning but he doesn't really understand what I am going through. His brother nailed it right away. It's helpful now that I've talked to two BH's that I personally know. The other friend was able to recover his marriage but he and his FWW didn't have kids then, which complicates things a lot.

I think it's normal to view you wayward as skanky. I know my respect level for my WH is non existent because of the A....AND the level of nastiness the OW is...he stooped into the gutter world. It grosses me out.

Actually I meant my friend's brother's wayward ex-wife, not my WW... His stories about her make my WW seem like a prude!

But the nastiness coming out of my WW is still very disheartening. Looking back it has been building up in the past couple years. She really stopped trying to cook nice meals for us and keep the house neat and organized a while ago. I should have done something about it much earlier! Ah, hindsight is 20/20.

He was in Plan "A" for a**kissing, which is not what we recommend. We do not recommend that men facilitate the affair or do stupid things. Our plan is much more strategic. Exposing the affair, being careful with your assets and doing things like fixing her computer, etc, makes you look better than the OM. Never do we recommend that you facilitate the affair like your friend did.


This is because that is how a MAN would react if his wife "detached." That is not how women react. Women are turned off by the detachment and move further away. It is a turn off to a woman to chase a man.

Your friend is describing how HE would behave if a woman did that to him. But he is not a woman.


We are a little more strategic than your friend. What he did was not Plan A. He has a history of ONE case. I have been here for 15 years and have seen about 50% of these situations result in reconciliation. There are no guarantees, but you do have a chance. You don't have any chance at all if you just give up.

Oh no. He should not go into Plan B for months.

Some of this is very effective. For example, repairing her car [not paying for it!!] and fixing her computer actually makes you look good and OM look bad. He can't do those things for her. Lets say she asks for help fixing her computer and you say "hell no, fix it yourself." That just makes the OM look like the nice guy because he sympathizes with her. But if you fix the computer and are very kind and attractive, you give her second thoughts and make the OM look worse. The goal is to make you look like the most attractive option while you do everything in your power to ruin her affair. And you have done everything you could to wreck her affair.

One of the things that will surely be coming up is she'll need internet, computer, TV, and everything set up at her apartment, so DS can do his homework on his nights there. If asked, I should cheerfully do it for her right? Even though it is facilitating her separation from me?

That is something you can do that will not only make you look good, but will cost you nothing. It also gives you more time to be around her. That is an opportunity for YOU that can be done without hurting yourself. This helps you. I would not go as far as helping her move, and certainly not giving her any money unless you are forced, but hooking up internet, etc, benefits YOU.

I talked to my attorney and he said to go ahead and give her the $5K advance so she can move out. No sense in increasing animosity and court costs (several $K possibly) and the judge will give her the cash anyway.

Thanks for the advice.
Everything is so counterintuitive in my life right now, ugh.

My Valentine's flowers have been delivered to our house. Hopefully she will like them.

Think this over again.

I dont agree with your attorney. Giving a wayward money is NEVER a good thing. He is taking the easy way out. It makes no sense to me. There is nothing to prevent her from giving to the OM, going to the casino or whatever, and then what happens at court, you have to pay again. They cannot be trusted with money, especially a large sum like that. NO WAY!

Facilitating a move out is not really part of the plan if you want her to stay.

I would re-think these items.

Iwould wait for the ordered support. Otherwise' you are giving her $2500 you dont have to.

I'll probably spend $3,000 to litigate it and still lose. Sorry, the laws are stacked against men, especially in my liberal state. I'll just follow Melody's advice and let her move out.

Why would you litigate? She needs to submit finanial rrngements as a part of the divorce. IIWY, i would want every penny I gave her to count toward the final settlement. Im not saying fight over it, im saying get legal credit for the payment

And the law is stacked against the higher earner, whatever their gender. I would have to give my H a ton of money if we were divorciing. (It is just usually the man.)