Sugarcane , I understand what you are saying. The right answer is no she should not expect to get that when I am under pressure. Now getting me to live that way is another issue.

Jim,

Do you have the habit of texting, or calling your wife at consistent times every day? Every day?

If so, what does that look like?

She knows that you will improve your behaviour for a little while, but very soon you will revert to your old ways. You have never failed her in that. That being the case, she's not going to stick around for this to happen again and again, and she's correct not to put up with it. She should kick you out, because you keep hurting her.

Something I noticed very quickly with you is that you come here in panic to get a quick solution to an immediate crisis, but you do not apply yourself to learning and using Marriage Builders beyond that.

You dealt directly with Dr Harley twice, and did not follow through. Then you came here recently and had to be pushed into reading Dr Harley's advice in his articles, and working out how to apply it. What you wanted was the quick fix for this most recent crisis. When you felt you had got enough information form the forum, because your wife let you sleep in the bed again, you abandoned the forum and, no doubt, abandoned reading Love Busters and everything else we recommended. And now here you are again.

You were told last week to consistently arrange Undivided Attention time out of the house, for at least 15 hours per week. If you had scheduled that time for this week, your wife could not have complained that you were distant and uninvolved with her. You cannot be distant and unconnected your wife if you are taking her out and having intimate conversation four times a week.

The Marriage Builders programme has the answer to all the problems you face, but it won't work if you do not use it. It seems that you won't use it because you do not really care about making your wife happy, and about having a romantic, integrated marriage. You'd be happy, I suspect, to carry on with your hobbies and your job, living in your own world with huge emotional distance between you and your wife, as long as she lets you sleep in the bed and she isn't cross or withdrawn from you. If she can stop showing her unhappiness, that's good enough for you.

I can't see what is in this for your wife. You will not apply yourself to changing your behaviour and habits. No wonder she wants out. I would too.

The right answer is that she SHOULD expect to get that when you are under pressure, because that is exactly what she WILL get. The next question, then, is what should she do, given that certainty. Should she just accept a loveless marriage to you?

SugarCane, I can't disagree with the things that you said in this post. The things that you said are extremely harsh and carry no compassion whatsoever. I come here to this forum for help because I am struggling and so is my wife. You give me a few sentences of advice which I believe are good. Unfortunately, none of us can have a real relationship online so you don't know me from Adam. You don't know of the struggles that my wife and I have had our whole married life. I was totally oblivious to my wife's feelings until 5 years ago. I've been drinking from a firehose ever since and scratching my head, wondering how I could have been such a jerk for so long. Now I'm seeing my marriage coming to an end and yeahp, I'm at fault. I accept full responsibility for where we are in our relationship as of today. After all of these years, I can now look back and see how stupid I have been, how uncaring, unloving, uncompassionate, etc. I come here with an open mind and maybe I'm not communicating well enough to truly express how I feel. I feel like I've been run over by a freight train that I never saw coming. When my wife and I started to go through this rough period, she was in menopause. I blamed that. Then I blamed her for all of the years of angry outbursts towards me. I pointed the finger of blame everywhere but at me. Now, after 5 years of struggle and 5 years of fighting, I'm finally seeing how I have caused most of this difficulty. I discovered marriage builders back in 2012 and instantly became interested in it. I've dabbled and stuck my toe in the water. My wife is uninterested and wants nothing to do with MB even though she believes all of the principles taught by Dr. Harley. I get the idea that you're expressing that I've not taken the MB principles to heart and not taken anything seriously. Your'e right! I've not taken them to heart. These principles are difficult and they don't just take hold overnight; especially when your spouse is uninterested. I'm here asking for sincere advice and compassion as someone who is in uncharted waters and has never faced anything like this ever. I find myself constantly humbled by life and the choices that I've made. There has never been any infidelity in our marriage. I believe that the root of everything lies in the fact that I never loved my wife from the start. I'm now at a point that I want to love her but see my opportunity slipping through my fingers. I just want some help. Okay, enough of my soapbox now lets get on with things.

I want to love my wife and I want her to love me. Guide me, please...

Jim...
My husband has completely changed from how you describe yourself, into a loving, caring, thoughtful and attentive husband.

It did not happen overnight. But one thing that he started, was to affectionately kiss me goodbye every morning, text me midmorning with some intimate thought, call me every single day on his lunch hour, text me in the afternoon with a check-in for evening plans and his ETA from work. Then he calls when he gets in the car, to confirm his ETA, and finally, he kisses and hugs me upon arriving home before anything else.

Can you start this tomorrow morning??? The goal is to integrate with your wife and let her know that she is the most important person in your life and that you care about her.

I now affectionately call my husband "Clockwork". I feel that I can depend on him to check in. Miraculously, this week, while he was under pressure, in the back seat of his boss' car, he texted me with questions about a health concern I was having. Unbelievably opposite to how he used to be.

You are capable of this too. Even if your wife says that she is done, you need to follow thru with showing care. Start implementing new behaviors now.

Get your phone out and set a timer for midmorning, lunch, & afternoon every single day. When your timer goes off, that is time to check in and send affection. Are you willing? If so, then set your alarms and post back.

Didn'tQuit, I can do this. Can I ask you a few questions?

o What exactly does this action from your husband give you?
o Aren't you concerned that what he is doing is robotic? I ask this because my wife says that what I do is "fake". This bothers me because it may not be something that I want to do but repeating it, I believe, will hopefully put me into the position of wanting to do what bothered me before.
o When you say your husband texts you an intimate thought, what do you mean by that?

My problem has always been consistency; starting/stopping/starting/stopping. I get why my wife has no faith in me. I have to work on being consistent. Your thoughts would be appreciated...Jim

I will answer your questions after your alarms are set.

You can't let any reason or doubt or excuse or challenge get in your way.

Also, could you please let me know what times you chose so that I can help you out?

Nice move...I have chosen the following times:

o 10:00 AM
o 12:30 PM
o 3:00 PM

I plan to phone my wife at each time...

Good plan.

Now I don't want to assume, so did you actually set your alarm? And did you set them on your phone or your computer Or your watch?

Yes, I set them on my phone...

I just called my wife after my first reminder rang...she's watching the grandkids so we only talked for a few minutes...

Okay, so while I formulate responses to your questions, get a plan for today's thoughtfulness alarm schedule.

Be prepared. Your wife is frustrated beyond belief and she will most likely balk at your attempts to connect. If she complains, You say,
I care about you and want to become the husband you need.

I would not call every time. I would establish a habit that you can do every single day, without exception. I would include texts and not just phone calls. This will give her time to let your efforts sink in.

Before you call, on your lunch hour, make a checklist of 3 things to cover when you call.
Example:
1. Her emotional/physical status.
2. Talk about her day.
3. Confirm or reorganize plans for the evening based on any unforseen circumstances.

I would recommend that you text her at least one or 2 times per day with a thoughtfulgram.

Examples would be:

I care about you and hope that you are feeling better...

Thanks for doing.... last night. I appreciate it.

Just thinking about how....(compliment) you are.

Can we go out tonight? I was thinking maybe we could do.... I would like some alone time with you.

Part of why I love my husband's text messages is because they are a gift from him, and require no contribution on my part.

Can you see why I suggest including texts and not just phone calls?

My wife is not one to carry her cell phone with her so text messaging won't work. Email is usually how I slip in contact with her during the day.

Okay then use email for reliability. I would still send some texts which will greet her when she does pick up her phone. Don't use the fact that she won't see it immediately as a reason (excuse) not to text. I wouldn't be surprised if she started to check her phone more often.

What are your thoughts regarding my points about using written messages as opposed to just phone calls?

I actually had this discussion with my wife last night and told her that I felt like I could only send her emails now because at least she would read my words and could go back and re-read them. I believe that written words leave more of an impression than verbal discussions. We're having difficulty just talking to each other verbally now because of the frustration and anger. So, I agree that written words are very important...

Of course you are. You are both emotional. Press on.


Thanks for responding with your thoughts.