Financial support of your family is an obligation, not just an emotional need. Judges do not care about concerns framed as emotional needs, but they care a great deal about making certain that obligations are met. Evidently, you believe that you should be free to walk away from your financial obligations when you so choose. Any judge will think otherwise. Whether one chooses to feel disrespected, frustrated, or angry doesn't matter. Expecting to be able to terminate support at your discretion is not reasonable from any third-party perspective.

I never "ordered" her to get a job. She had a 25-30 hour a week job for 15 years where she was generally happy, it was flexible hours and not that demanding (I actually found it for her to replace her 40 hour a week job from before we were married).

A new boss came on after the previous one retired. He turned out to be a control freak and a jerk. When she complained to me, I suggested that she talk to this guy first, since she was there for so long. She was afraid to be confrontational, then I said, talk to the board members that she's familiar with and see what their take was. They listened but did not take any action against this guy, so she decided to quit that position. At first I was concerned that she'd give up the 15 year seniority she's earned, as this new guy might be gone in a year or two. (He actually did just that, quit last year). But after we had a good discussion I supported her decision as I could see she was clearly miserable.

She took several months off, then got bored at home. Then I helped her find this current 15 hour job as well. I told her it's more for her personal satisfaction than actual financial needs. So she started at the job and was generally pretty happy at it even though she's getting paid peanuts for the position. Then another new boss showed up and she's upset again...

I never actually "forced" her to have a job. I think overall she's had it relatively easy and she always had an escape valve, i.e. quit, if she didn't like it. I told her again on this new position if she's not happy to quit and take her time finding a new job. But of course, by now she was into the Affair with POSOM and planning to leave our M, and didn't listen to what I was saying.

It was a good DIVORCE move, but not a good Plan A move.
You're going to end up divorced, but at least you saved a few thousand bucks!

You shouldn't be discussing the divorce with her at all, if you are in Plan A. That will be a hit on her lovebank. You let your lawyer discuss the divorce, and you concentrate on making lovebank deposits.

BTW, markos went into debt to save our marriage. I'm very grateful he did, although we're still paying for it today. I was more important to him than his money, and it showed. Be careful what message you're sending your wife about what is your priority.

So for 15 years she worked close to full time (25 to 30 hours a week is not that much less than full time) but in your opinion it was not that demanding so didn't really count for much, and now she's trying to take half of everything that only you worked for and that is yours, and that she doesn't deserve because you say so.

That's kinda the message you've got going on here, and if you don't think she doesn't sense this and hasn't sensed it all along even if you never said it out loud, she did.

Again... I sense gender bias... reading between the lines, it's only the man's job to provide financial support. We just live in a new age where men and women can both work. In my company, women do the same jobs as men, and many of them earn more than I do. I just am not coming from a place where men are the assumed breadwinner. Many women that have worked for me are the sole breadwinner for their families. If I told them that their husbands had the obligation to support them, I 'm sure that they would be extremely offended.

As for the legal system... many of the laws and precidence date back to the 40's and 50's. That's just not the world we live in today.

The old way of thinking was also that father's were not needed that much in the home. I have exposed to much more modern research on how important father's are in their children's lives. I used to have this old fashioned mindset as well becasue thats how i was raised but I did the research and changed my mindset. I have forgone promotions so I could be there every day for my kids and I don't regret it at all.

Dont confuse emotional needs and love busters.

You dont get to disrespect your wife because you disagree with her.

We didnt say women cant work. We said most men don't have an emotional need for it. Big difference.

In this context, work = paid employment.

Im sure there is a great deal your wives do that you arent giving them credit for though. Women do a great deal of daily unpaid domestic work that is usually overlooked (staying home with sick kids, meeting relatives, grocery shopping letting service people in and out of the house, changing sheets, and a million other things.) also, meeting the need for PA that most men have takes time and daily effort, is necessary to maintain a marriage but also is derided as frivolous and spendthrift. (Repeatedly on this thread in fact.)

The idea of meeting emotional needs includes doing so in a way that makes you happy. My H does have a need for FS. But i have to meet this need in a way that makes me happy. Which is why I choose to stay home this weekend rather than finding extra work.

If you are unhappy with the way you are meeting your spouses need for FS, find a way to do so that makes you happy. It may mean lifestyle changes like a smaller house, fewer vacations, etc. but those changes mean you have time to save your marriages.

Ok..I can say that I had a huge emotional need for my wife to work.. not for the pure paycheck, but to have a partner. Her work.. whether at a job, domestic work... saving us money by clipping cupons... all that stuff she did made huge love bank deposits. It felt like a true partnership... not at all like me just supporting her and her being dependant on me. It was interdepency. Do you see where I am coming from? Even if her paycheck might be small... just getting a birthday present from her or 1 extra vacation we could take. .. again.. made massive deposits. The kinds of things she did caused us to also be in frequent communication.. this created a Bond.

Doe any of that mean all the disrespectful tings you say are justified?

So?

A woman's emotional needs are different than a man's. Get over it.

Exactly. .. I agree. See my previous post.

A WW typically stops doing these things.

So.. You dont get a free pass.

TM please learn Marriage Builders.

No! I think we were not getting our needs met in our marriages. Our spouses also are having affairs. We need to figure out a way to get them back to a marriage that works for both.

We need to figure out how to stop love busting with DJ's. Our wives are not acting like the wonderful women we married and avoiding disrespect is VERY VERY hard.

We need more help... just telling us not to be disrespectful is probably not enough. I think we need more guidance...or examples of how to handle situations respectfully.

Also... here is what I have experienced with lawyers... I think lost is going through the same thing. We try to send all divorce stuff through the attorneys, but they do not forward it, or they try to inflame the situation. They make more money if we hate each other. One of my attorneys called my WW a major B1tch... my other attorney called her a big liar.. and they are so pessimistic about saving the marriage. It's really hard to work with them.

Have you made a list of all the good things? Do you dwell on them each day? Distract yourself when you start to think about your W flaws.

Do you look at pictures from before?

Well, it is totally in your imagination. So, are you here to learn MB principles, or just to construct straw men in the hope that you can meet your emotional need to win every argument?

I know it is extremely difficult to walk this razor edge of disrespect vs. standing up for yourself when the person you trusted, loved, invested, believed in the most feels the complete opposite of you. Yes, the legal system is stacked against you.

No one, (including all on this forum) was perfect in their approach in Plan A, we all made mistakes, big and little. Keep trying to improve your approach or move into Plan B if you can't do it anymore. Being disrespected in your own home with an ongoing affair is cruel and sadistic.

I have observed locally that the nastier/longer the wayward fights in court means the wayward knows that the affair/marriage breakup is a huge mistake and their fear/anger should be at themselves.

Lost, negotiating with a wayward on terms in Plan A or any other time is pointless. It will only embolden the entitlement and any agreement will be voided.
It doesn't mean you have to go bankrupt either.

I am not much help, i have been exactly where you are now. It is a gut twisting, feels like hopeless situation.

Keep up the good fight, work on anger and disrespect it will serve you well in the long run regardless.

I appreciated the things she did for the family and I often praised her for them. I told her without her efforts our DS would not have become the strong and smart young man he is. However, I also did a lot of the domestic chores around the house.

She is an only child with older parents, who literally did everything for her. When we got married, she did not know how to do laundry, wash the dishes, or clean the toilet, or many of the household tasks. I do most of the laundry around the house, I shuttle DS to school and many of his sports events whenever I can, especially on the weekends and after work, several times a week. I am *always* involved in DS's activities and she admits it, which is the reason that she proposed 50/50 custody. She knows how important I am in DS's development. She "said" she was appreciative of these efforts but it's still not enough. If I leave the laundry in the dryer for more than an hour, I would hear about it.

My point is, it's not as one-sided as you think it is.

I forgot to look on the calendar. Today must be Bash Lost Day!