I did FB exposure....expect all 3 of these:

1. Support
2. Hatred and loathing for exposing private matters
3. No comment

Do it and don't delay. What do you have to lose?

My last shred of hope.

If you love him don't you want what is best for him. Is losing his marriage and family over a little tramp what is best for him? Is giving up on your marriage what is best for him? When your children were little and wanted ice cream for breakfast did you say to yourself, shouldn't I let them do what they want since I love them?

You are in no way obligated to fight for this marriage. But if you really do want to try to save it, the above statement makes no sense.


But you do know that not doing it is not bringing him any closer to coming home. I believe almost NO ONE advocates for this exposure because they do not understand it. They assume it is vindictive, when it is the opposite of that. It is a statement that you are fighting for your marriage and requesting their help. They do not understand that the removal of secrecy kills the mystery/excitement of the affair, making it your best chance at saving your marriage.


Oh, rest assured, he will say all that and more. But you can read thread after thread in here where the WS went ballistic when exposed, and shortly thereafter the affair died, and then suddenly they came home.

There is no guarantee, but it sounds like he's not coming home now anyhow. What do you have to lose? And think of the self respect you might gain. You will also be letting him know that you are not some weak person willing to accept whatever crumbs he drops your way. No. He won't like it. But over time, he will respect you much more for it.


And then what? You sit around waiting and hoping. Maybe he eventually gets bored and comes back to you and what, you just take him back? Nothing changes? He has no consequences for what he did and he will do it again as soon as he feels like it. You will continue to feel desperate and insecure (with good reason) and you'll either start acting out on that again-calling, crying, screaming-or walk around on eggshells miserable inside, afraid to ask to have any of your needs met for fear of appearing needy.

The people in this forum can guide you through the steps that give you the best possible chance (no guarantees) to not just save your marriage but recover it and have a better marriage than before. And if your marriage does not recover, what you learn will along the way will make you stronger and better equipped to have a good relationship in the future.

BTW - I don't think of exposure as a "psycho" move. I think of it as a strong, confident, courageous move. It may turn out your friends are all degenerates who think an affair is no big deal, if so, find some new friends - you can see in here that many people do not accept affairs. And your husband would not try to keep it quiet if he believed it was okay. Having everyone know will force him to look at his actions through other people's eyes.

Best of luck to you.

Thank you AnyWife... in response to wanting what is best for him and the comparison to a child wanting ice cream.. he's not a child. Is it my place or my right to decide what's best for him? What about his sense of autonomy? (I am thinking the the answer is that he lost that right when his actions hurt others, but I'm not so sure there isn't a valid counter argument to that either.)

I'm his wife. Not his parent. *That said, I did tear into some blogger today who suggested that a CS has a 'right to choose their own life", and told her, "I don't get to 'choose' to leave my kids home alone at night while I go out and party at 1am... once we commit to marriage and a family, we do lose certain 'rights' to 'choose' certain things.

And as I said, if I really am 'abusive', then again, who am I to decide what's 'best' for him, or anyone for that matter?

If I am the abusive one, and he is in fact better off without me, shouldn't I simply just wish him well and work on myself?

I'm dealing with a lot of internal conflict right now, and I think he was as well... because he could be a bully sometimes to the kids, because he did keep 'standing still in life' and because he was truly wondering if he was the piece of s**t I called him when I found out about the EA and when I said it again when took the promotion after I'd said I didn't want him to...

I think that exposure should be carefully thought out before it's done, and I really think it depends on the couple. If a counselor was telling both of US that it needs to and should be done to end the pain, and I knew he knew I had back up for it, then that would be one thing... but he's going to see it as vindictive, and manipulative. Because he thinks I am manipulative.

And he's been allowed to get away with a lot of crap that no one has 'called him out on yet'.

So I'm just still unsure and I want to know if anyone feels that I was 'abusive' and that I am 'toxic' and there's no hope anyway.

Earlier today, a friend who refused to tell my husband what she thought of his behavior to his face, but would tell me, asserted that he told me that he was unhappy months ago and I had an opportunity to do something about it then, and I didn't.

She also said she thinks that if I really want my husband back I can get him back. But she also asked me if I really wanted a man who at 38 years old has to be told the difference between right and wrong?

And again, he was a GOOD man... did I drive him to this point?

NO. You did not make him choose to cheat. You're beating yourself up way too much based on what a WH is telling you in order for him to get you to back down while he goes on his merry way cheating. This was not your choice.

Did he give you the choice...honey can I go have an A? Heck no!

Take back YOUR power and self esteem and fight for your marriage. Exposure is the first step IF indeed you want your husband back. Only you can decide that.

These people are trying to help you...meanwhile you are wallowing in self pity and paralyzed by your own inaction and wasting valuable time.

Look how long it took me. Waaaay too long.

It's scary to expose. But the minute I did...it was a weight lifted off my shoulders. You can expose AND still be working on you.

You can do this!!!

Always, I appreciate your honesty. Thank you very much. Yes, I am walllowing right now. I know I'm not faultless in the destruction of my marriage. What I am having trouble with is trying to decide if his crimes are worse than mine?

And...of course, I'm wondering also, "Would I want to be exposed for all of mine?" What if he does this, and worse, right back to me...

I'm truly conflicted.

You're not exposing all his past crimes....JUST HIS AFFAIR!

The purpose of exposure is not to drag your dirty laundry out, but to kill the affair. Exposure is for the ACTIVE AFFAIR. So yes, if you are having an active affair we would encourage him to expose it. If he is having an affair you should expose it.

But I seriously doubt he considers his affair a "crime." All you are doing is spreading the good news. Nothing wrong with that.

FLW, here is the way that these things go:

I think that everything is hunky-dory and I can rely on my husband to help me with things. I'm a bit rattled today, so when H calls me to say hello during the day, instead of dropping everything and saying "Hi Honey!", I say "oh my Gosh, I'm so glad you called. The dog just jumped all over me with muddy paws as I walked out the door, I need for you to train this dog tonight!"

Selfish Demand

H was feeling all lovey-dovey to me prior to this, which prompted his call. But I hurt him by not acknowledging his care when he called, and instead I demanded that he take action on something that I need. So HIS response to me is "my Gosh! Is that all that I am to you is a slap-boy?"

Disrespectful Judgment

AND NOW we are off to the races!

So I respond with an escalated comment (angry outburst).
He responds with a volley angry outburst.
I respond again with my voice very raised and breathing fast.

...

This is COMMON. In fact, it is so very common that Dr. Harley wrote an entire BOOK on LoveBusters!

This is not the reason that your husband chose to have an affair. The reason that he is enmeshed within an affair is because he let his boundaries down and allowed someone else to meet his needs.

That is NOT to say that he wishes that YOU couldn't be meeting his needs!

This can all be fixed! If you are both willing to work your butts off together, and I just bet that you are both up to the challenge. But not until the affair is squashed dead.

Always and Meloday, again, thank you. I know I'm only exposing his affair, but there is nothing to stop him from exposing me right back for being this 'shrew of a wife'.

BlindSighted... thank you! That was soooo incredibly helpful for me.

He's ALREADY portraying you as a shrew to the OW and getting away with it. You are exposing an extra marital affair. Nothing more nothing less.

And most waywards portray their betrayed spouses as shrews. So what? It just makes them look desperate. You shouldn't concern yourself for 2 seconds about that.

Way-Speak for back off so that I can continue on unhindered. Don't rock the perfectly floating boat where I can cake eat from you and from her.

Way-Speak for get back in your box so that I can control your actions. So that you won't rock my perfectly floating boat.

Super Cruel Way-Speak, unfortunately all too common with the wayward gaslighting technique. The optimal result is convincing the BS that they are "crazy" so that they will shut up and not rock the boat.

FL2, you can tell by the many caring responses to your situation that none of us think that you are crazy. This ALL is normal Wayward Fog Behavior. We all point these things out because WE have been through it, and now we can see it for what it is. Your husband's various responses are not rational. They are the voice of an addict, truly. I promise you that he will allow this to go on for years if you allow it.

I don't know if this is "normal" per se, but the same thing happened to us. During my H's 12 year affair, he continually turned down one promotion after another.

I conceded due to his extreme gaslighting skill, and instead I just stepped up to the plate and learned how to work from the moment I awoke to the moment that I felt ill from exhaustion and had to fall into bed. Until I got cancer and I couldn't keep up the pace. (I am doing great now, but truly I did allow it to get that bad)

Worked perfectly for him! He is SICK about this now. In fact we aren't supposed to go back to the past and yet this is one of the things that still eats at him constantly.

I guess that I'm throwing a "love" card at you, but honestly FL2 you do not want your husband to have to go through that in the future. Exposing and ending this evil affair IS a loving thing to do.

Thank you all so much. Slightly off topic- my mother is extremely abusive to me and yesterday I had to sever all ties not just with her, but with all other members of my family who enable her... they are all abusive, codependent, or enablers in one way or another, and all masters at gaslighting. The first thought that went through my mind was "They just lost their Dad and now I'm going to take the rest of their family away from them too...?" But then I realized, I'm trying to fill a void with 'toxic people'??? How much sense does that make? And that's when I decided it was time for me to cut toxicity out of my life. (She is also the reason that I worry that I am abusive, because it does perpetuate, and I own everything I do, but I will stand my ground until I die when I'm right- so I just want to be sure I'm right.)

I'm going to sleep soon. I have a metric ton of work ahead of me tomorrow and Friday, and then I have the boys for the weekend. I think I am going to take until Monday to decide whether or not to expose. I know you all think I'm wasting time, but I need to think. I need some clarity. I'm going to try to go kayaking this weekend if it's warm enough. Being on the water (or in it) puts me at peace with myself and the universe. I need to get there before I do anything. I have a tendency to react when I should 'act', and when something feels 'reactionary' to me, I try to stop and think before I do something that results in unintended consequences.

I only just found this forum a couple of days ago, and I love it. But most other advice I've read has been not to do this... and I'm feeling like all I've done right now is something anyone with any research or debate skills can do... "find something to validate your argument."

I want to be sure that I'm not just finding the one source that validates the case I want to make.

I'm sorry if I am disappointing anyone. I am grateful for each and every one of you. And thrilled for those of you that it worked for.

But I'm analytical and I want to look at all sides of the coin before I flip it.

Most of us can relate to that. Most of us know now (after looking at all sides of the coin thoroughly) that Dr. Harley's approach is the best and most effective plan. I did my research and I know most, if not all of the concepts are based on or confirmed by scientific research. It is put together in a solid (dummy-proof) plan, all the shortcuts are removed. So don't think you can cut corners or change/improve the plan. Cherrypicking will not work.

You can do the research yourself, at some point in time conclude that this plan is the best indeed and then wish you implemented it today.

I hope I can convince you to trust the advice given to you and act on the advice, now. Every day you wait is delaying your personal recovery.

Thank you goody2shoes. I feel that right now, I am being ruled by my emotions and I can't trust any decisions I make in a state like this. That's why I'm holding back. I am doing some more research as well and would love to see any you might be able to link to, since trying to figure out the correct search phrase is proving difficult.

I'm really hoping it will be warm enough for me to get out on the water this weekend. That always clears my head.

*****edit****

Dr. Harley advises not to dwell on the past. To overcome the terrible emotions of the affair, he has a plan for your recovery. It seperates you from triggers to bad memories and bad emotions. It is the most effective way to kill an affair (exposure is the most effective weapon). If you wait 2 years for the affair to die a natural death, you wille have two years of terrible memories, accompanied by bad emotions.

If after the affair has died, you start to recover your marriage, it is far more difficult to overcome all the hurt if you just waited for the affair to die. In those two years you will be hurt every day and because of that, you will lose the remaining love for your spouse.

If you have a plan and act on that plan, your mind will not constantly think of the affair and hurt, but it will be occupied with a strategy (and the bad emotions will not be triggered so often). Every second you plan on your strategy, your mind cannot be occupied with thoughts of the affair.

At this moment, you think and rethink and think again of the affair, the conflicts and everything you did wrong. It will only cause you to hurt more and/or lead to depression.

Dr. Harley's plan is the result of 40 years of experience and research. The goal is to save your sanity, to minimize the hurt and to maximize the chance of recovering your marriage. With the affair going on, your marriage has no chance, zero. That's why exposure is so important. With the affair going on, you will get depressed. That's why exposure is so important.

Yes you can wait for the affair to die a natural death, but there will be so much more damage, recovery will be so difficult. The hurt is already so severe, don't take the long road. This really is your best chance and the sooner you start, the sooner you will recover.

People here have been in exactly the place you are in today. Alwayslookingup is urging you to expose. She was very reluctant to expose in the beginning, now she regrets not exposing sooner. She want to save you from making the same mistake. Read older threads like I did, I never read a single thead where the betrayed spouse regretted exposure. Lots of board members regret not exposing sooner.

Now the affair is in the dark (exiting), exposure shines a light on it and shows how ugly it really is.

So if the emotion he was feeling was rage, and every time he thinks about our marriage, what he feels is rage, then that emotion will never change?

That sounds like a statement of fact, without any indication that there is a strategy to overcome it... is that correct?

Let me add to my story-

The day he ripped my shorts off of me, he became 'afraid of himself.'

Shortly after that, he told me that 'everyone' was telling him that "if the person you're with is making you want to raise your hands to them, then you shouldn't be with that person."

The day he came to get the truck, he pushed me and spit in my face.

I feel that there is no counselor on Earth who is going to disagree with that statement, and honestly, I don't want to waste any more time on him, or with anyone, who can't overcome that limited way of thinking...

So unless I know that there is a counselor or coach or something out there, that can overcome that, I'm working on the assumption that he will continue to believe this to be true, and that he will be 'backed up'in that belief, even if he does come around and go to counseling... or that it will forever remain in the back of his mind because it was never addressed and with a strategy to fix it.

All that said I'm still leaning towards exposing him and her to their jobs, not necessarily their FB friends and family... mainly because I want to take my power and my control back.

For 4 months now, I've been his doormat. Waiting, crying, trying to show love and support, only to keep getting slapped in the face by him. And I want my children to learn by example that there are consequences to poor decisions, especially ones made selfishly.

He said "I told you my feelings many times." No, he started flirting with another woman, felt guilty, took all the blame himself, while complaining that I 'put everything on him' but never 'connected' those dots for me... never said let's go to counseling, but then later told me that the affair 'should have been a wake up call'???

I may not have been a perfect wife, and I may have made a lot of selfish demands and harsh judgments, but I NEVER rejected affection or intimacy, I NEVER was unfaithful, I never hid money, or abandoned the family even when I probably should have signed myself into a hospital for my depression... I never hid or withheld money or love...

He made this selfish choice. Maybe because like me, he didn't know any better, didn't know any other way, but I've offered to keep looking for the way with him, and all he has to say is "I don't want to be bothered and *F**k the kids"... (yea, he literally actually said that once) which is why I'm debating on whether or not it's even worth trying to save...

And then I remember the man I loved and think, "My selfish demands brought us here, I owe him at least what I think he owes me... to TRY"... He thinks he HAS tried, and refuses to accept that what he and I 'thought' was trying, wasn't.

And it would have taken a lot more than some half wit counselor like we had to figure out HOW to 'try'... She was just wasting our time... 4 sessions and no 'strategy' on how to 'cope' with 'love busters' no alternative to what we were doing... worrying about whether or not our kids picked up their room and telling us she was trying to get control over the chaos in our lives... our marriage was in CRISIS and she wasted an hour on 'housework,' instead of 'when you feel yourself getting angry about this, try doing this instead"...

But as I said, my experience with counseling has been dismal and I want to know if I will even be able to find a counselor that is going to straight up say, "Yes, you can overcome that problem of wanting to punch her in the face"...

Otherwise, I'm not sure I want to bother with any more attempts at reconciling anyway.

"Making you raise your hands to them" is blaming the victim.