Stop dithering. Expose today. She now knows you have a Plan so you need to preempt her spin doctoring.

i am grateful for the feedback. I don't think my wife actually wants to move out, she said she said that because she wants the pain to stop. I'm sure she means hers as well as all the pain that she cause all of us. Her relationship with our kids has diminished greatly and two of them have repeatedly asked her why she hasn't moved out. I have talked with her about marriage builder and we did the his/her needs exercise together as a place to start talking about something other than the affair and its impact. I will start the book tonight and begin the exposure process. Ugh. I won't skip that step but it's not going to be easy. Does she participate in that or do I just "rat her out" to family and friends? Seems like another painful wave for us. I will go to the exposure section to get a game plan for that. I will also check into the operations section for help. This is just awful. I pray it will be worth it.

You do not discuss exposure with her or inform her that you are going to expose.

She is not an ally, she is still addicted to her affair and not trustworthy in the least.

You are telling the truth. How does that make you a rat?

You should do the exposure yourself without telling her in advance. Exposure is therapeutic, not harmful.

Ok. I have a plan. Will do it tonight. Another sleepless one...

Listen, you need to stop trying to put a positive spin on it or think your WW is different than any other wayward. If anything she's going to work harder to try to keep her affair going because this was a LTA.

She said she wants to move out - the reasons she gave you for it is irrelevant. Waywards are great at using their "pain" as a way to get you to back off and feel badly for them, etc. It's very common.

Stop listening to her words and look at her ACTIONS.

We are telling you that the actions of moving out means her affair is not over. It's very common that posters we have told this too doesn't want to believe us and later comes back and tells us "you were right - they have moved out and now want a divorce, help!!" etc. Don't let this be you.

Another thing on reacting to what your WW tells you (about her "pain" or anythis else that leads you to believe you should deviate from the plans here), keep in mind that affairs and dishonesty go hand in hand.

Your WW had been dishonest to you for 2+years. That becomes a very hard habit to break. Not to mention that she is in a fog.

You should not entertain believing anything she tells you for a while. I would say AT LEAST you need to wait until you can verify NC (after quietly installing spyware on all phones, devices and computers) for a while - a few months -- and some of the fog has started to fade.

Even then, you cannot blindly trust her again. Because this was a LTA, you will need to watch her for a long, long time, because she will be at high risk for breaking NC.

Who are your exposure targets? List them out and let us know what you intend to tell them.

And just a reminder do not tell your WW what you are going to do and do not discuss exposure with her until you have completed all of it.

I don't see an answer to this....

42
Listen up, your wayward is NOT different than any other. Follow the advice here.

FACTS:
Your wayward has lied, deceived, betrayed you more than you know - (she will continue to do so until you are truly in recovery)

She doesn't want to talk about it because it is NOT over. She wants to put you off the trail, so she can continue getting her fix without pain or guilt

Marriage counselors are NOT effective in the case of adultery/affair

You are in denial and covering/protecting her (we all did it, so stop it)

EXPOSURE is a must do for accountability, especially effective is hitting the OM family, friends, wife, etc

DO NOT give the wayward your playbook- you let your wayward see the book Surviving an Affair, you lost your advantage!!!

NOW is the time to act like a man and lead the relationship, no waffling

I know who he is but I don't know him. He is 20 years younger than her and lives across the country. I'm in CO. He is in PA.

Exposure targets. Her friends and family. Not sure if I should tell my parents and sister. He is single so doesn't have a spouse. This wasn't anything to do with work so his employer is n/a I guess.

I'm writing the following points

1. She cheated on me
2. Length of time
3. We both say we want our marriage to work
4. Pray for us
5. Hold her accountable with me


Thoughts?

Can you find him on facebook?

I would tell his parents, friends, family AND employer. If you can find his facebook page and expose via private messages you will likely find he has other girlfriends. This guy has probably picked up other women in his line of work. I would most certainly tell your parents and your sister and ask for their support.

Exposure complete. Top five worst days in my life. Wish I had done it two weeks ago because it's like ripping off the band-aid to find a much larger wound. She says that I am vengeful and pushing her to reach our and make contact again. She feels like I am doing this to hurt her, not help and that no matter how hard I push, even if I break her that she will never speak to him. She is so upset. I'm afraid this will take us backward but it had to be done. I am spent and a little defeated, but grateful that it is over. I am over 6feet tall and 200 pounds. I've cried twice in my life before this. I cried for two hours before hitting send. It's like Satan moved in to my house and won't leave. Awful.

42n8one, you did great. And I so sorry this is so difficult. But it is the right thing to do. Her reaction indicates the affair never ended, I am sorry to say. You are right that you ripped off the band-aid and found a much larger wound. Now you have a chance at recovery.

I would make darn sure you exposed to the OM's contacts. You MUST run that rat off and it needs to be done now while you have the affair on the ropes. Did you expose to his family, friends, employer? If not, I would get that done. OM are punks and cowards who run at the first sign of trouble. Get him out of your life.

]
I would now ask her to write a no contact letter to the OM that is written by both of you and mailed by YOU. She should also agree to change all her contact information so he can't reach her again. If she won't do that, then you will know she is not serious.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

The amount of anger/nastiness the wayward expresses after exposure is directly proportional to the effectiveness of the exposure.
It is also a measure of how rooted/alive the affair is.

She is embarrassed, humiliated, guilty, ashamed- those feelings all lay squarely at her feet, not yours.

Good job, 42.

I very much agree with ML that it is VITAL that you expose to targets on OM's side. You've got this affair on the ropes and it would be a HUGE mistake to not complete this. That would most likely kill it dead.