Hi, Five months ago I found out my husband was having an affair for 2.5 years with a married woman. Since I found out they both told me they would not see each other again. My problem is that I don't believe she will stay away. She has been writing my husband fan email since 2003 and when I read her emails she comes across as a stalker. She told me she had come to the sad conclusion that my husband would never love her a long time ago. Still she would come by a few times a week to bring him lunch and have sex. She is crazy about him. My husband is a Narcissitist, he said he never loved her but it was nice to have a fan. We are working on our relationship, which is hard, but even harder because I don't know if its perhaps still going on. I will be afraid of this always. I fear she will come by again, just to talk, and than the whole thing will start again. She has two young children so I feel terrible to call her husband. On the other hand, I am tempted to involve him because he would be controlling the situation from his end. But what if he decides to leave her? I would feel terrible for the kids.

She told me she would not see my husband again but than stopped by his gym to talk with him anyway. I texted and emailed her very angrily but she does not respond. This makes me even more insecure. I have no idea what's going on. My husband tells me he will never talk with her again but he has lied to me for years so I don't believe a word he says. I often think I should put spyware on his computer and phone, than chicken out. I hate to live like this. My husband is in therapy and gave me a beautiful ring to show he is series about his commitment to me. He says he doesn't understand why he could not stop the affair and only loved me always. Even though that might be true, he has betrayed me terribly and I can really not move on with the fear of this woman creeping back into his life.

Eline

You need to expose the affair and work to build an affair-proof, romantic marriage. Read the article 'How to Survive an affair' and the Exposure101 thread.

Do not inform your husband. Come back here right after with your questions.

I think you should tell the OW's husband but your biggest problem right now is your husband. He has done nothing to change his life so this doesn't happen again. What is he doing to ENSURE this never happens again?


The relationship should be put on hold until you have affair proofed your marriage. He should arrange his life so it is so transparent that he cannot ever cheat again. So if your husband works somewhere that he can have sex on the job, he needs to find another job where he can be held accountable; perhaps working with you all day so you can watch him.


How will this betrayed husband protect himself and his children from his wife and your husband if he doesn't know? Do you think he should be DENIED his right to leave his cheating wife if he so chooses? Should he be kept around like someone's PET so your H and his girlfriend can destroy him behind his back? My feeling is that this man should be the one to make the decision about his marriage and not you, his wife or your H.

I found out 5 months ago. It feels wrong to call the husband now, I should have done it right away. What if she is working on herself and her marriage? I did expose my husband to all our friends and family. But the insecurity of not knowing if this crazy woman is going to keep stalking my husband is killing our chances of moving on. Even though I know my husband will likely cheat again and for her ten others. My husband has been a cheater in all his previous relationships including 3 marriages (!). I find the length of this affair and the fact that she is so slavishly devoted to him disgusting, and I really have trouble with the fact she has young children. I know my husband is a [censored] for taking advantage of her and not even thinking about her children or husband, or me. In the end I might not stay with him. I called his ex-wife and found out about everything that happened in her marriage to him, same story.

I hope this other woman has found help, but the very fact she went to the gym to meet my husband against her promise tells me she is not going to stay away. I feel terrible being put in the position of having to contact the poor husband. Sickens me.

I found out by looking in the phone records, they had exchanged an insane amount of texts almost every day. I called her and she first told me "you can't take this away from me", "he is a very important text buddy of mine". Than she changed her tune and offered to come over to our house so we could all talk. She told me my husband is so very happy with me, please don't leave him. I told her there is nothing to talk about without your husband present. She than volunteered to tell me everything about the sex she has been having with my husband. I have no idea why, maybe a last desperate fight to keep him, maybe she hoped I would leave. I have no other explanation. Crazy. So through her I know a lot of gritty details, while she is sitting pretty in her intact marriage. That stings. But revenge is not my motivation. My motivation is peace of mind she will stay away. I am however also afraid my husband will get so angry about me calling her husband he will leave me. I am not entirely convinced my self this is the morally correct way to go. The poor kids. I would hate to break up a marriage with children.

She can't very well work on anything if her husband does not know the truth. He has to know so he can protect himself. Like you even said, he might want to leave his wife over this. That is his right.


She is free to do so because a) your marriage is not affair proofed by your husband and b) her husband does not know.


But.... you choose to live like that. You are not a victim, but a volunteer.

PS I m not a volunteer! Let me explain I am working on honesty with my husband. I hope he will not cheat!! But given his history I have a lot of doubt. He works alone in his studio but I have just rented the space next door for my business so I will be with him all day long.

Hope is not a plan. A good plan would consist of being with him 24/7 [good start to work next door from him!]and DEMAND that he do everything to affair proof your marriage. If he won't do the things on this list, then you should separate from him:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

And telling the OW's husband is the decent thing to do. If his bookkeeper had robbed him behind his back would you make those same excuses to not warn him? You don't do him any favors by not telling him the truth. You become an accessory to the crime. That hurts him and it hurts his children.

This might sound very innocent, but what if I confront the OW first and tell her she should admit the affair to her husband, because I will? I can than also explain to her my motivation, which is not to hurt her. I only would do this to give my own relationship a chance, with her lurking in the background this does not seem possible. I can explain to her that if she had not gone to the gym, I would maybe have trusted her, but she broke that promise. She even had the audacity to convey a message to me at that gym meeting. She told my husband to ask me to stop contacting her so she could get on with her life. I had not contacted her after our second conversation weeks earlier where she promised no more contact and if there would be any kind of contact, she would tell me. Well, she did go out of her way to look for my husband, and not tell me, and ask for help like a little girl, completely ridiculous because I had not contacted her! Plus, I really find it infuriating she asks my husband to deliver a message about her own well being after she destroyed my marriage.

I do hope she finds help. She told my husband she has been raped when she was young and that her explanation for serving herself up as a sex object to a man who doesn't love her. That's one more thing that worries me, she has her excuse.

Still, I really feel like giving her one more chance. I feel so bad for the kids. She can not spin her story because I have proof in emails and the phone records. I never thought I would be in the position to break up a marriage with children. It feels very very wrong.

Don't tell her, tell her husband. Your emotions are all over the place, once they settle, you will understand you should not talk to her. For now, please trust us on this, don't inform her. Cheaters have a tendency to twist the truth. She won't tell the truth to her husband, she will twist it and rewrite history (or omit things to protect herself).

If protecting herself means hurting you, she will choose that option. Cheaters don't care of your wellbeing. If she did, she wouldn't have done (and continue doing) this in the first place.

oops

Your sympathies are clearly on the wrong side. You should be sympathizing with the victims of the OW and your husband. No, you should not talk to the OW because that just gives her a chance to get to her husband first and spin the story. There is no need to complicate this, just go meet the man and tell him all about the affair.

You should focus on giving the victims of your husband and his OW a "chance" instead of ENABLING TGE AFFAIR. Don't be an accessory to the crime.

". I never thought I would be in the position to break up a marriage with children. It feels very very wrong."

First off, you did not and cannot "break up a marriage." That is crazy talk. If the marriage breaks up it will be because of the AFFAIR. It is EVIL to help the OW and your adulterous husband trick an innocent man and his children. Don't be an accessory to the crime.

Do you have any sympathy for the children of the OW? Do you have any sympathy for a betrayed husband? It sounds to me like all your sympathy is misplaced with the 2 people who are harming them behind their backs. That is very twisted.

You hurt your own chances of recovery by helping the OW keep this secret from her husband. It gives her freedom to continue to pursue your husband.

I am so nervous about this. I know it will be the affair that might break her marriage, and not me telling him, but as a divorced mother of two children I know so well the harm that divorce does. My children still hurt, my divorce was not because of an affair and happened 17 years ago, my children are grown now. But to think of the little children breaks my heart. My sympathies are with them. I wish I could reach the OW to explain she needs to seek help and it would be much better if she told her husband herself. I found out. I wish I was told.

What causes harm is an affair. And their father cannot protect them frm that if you help your H and the OW hide their dirty secret from their victims. Why would you want to help the bad guys?

If your neighbors boookkeeper was stealing his money would you use the same logic as an excuse to not warn him?


You can demonstrate your sympathies by doing the right thing and warning ther father about the affair. That way he can protect his kids. Hiding the affair for the cheaters does not demonstrate sympathy; it reflects a cruel callousness.


No, it would be much better if YOU told him. He is unlikely to get the truth from his OW. You should have nothing to do with her.

My husband and the OW tell me it is all over. Yet, she stopped by the gym. So I am not sure. Can you not understand at all that I feel horrible having to call this poor man? And perhaps changing the children's life for ever?

No, I don't understand because you don't seem like a mean person to me. It is a hard, hard thing to tell a spouse about an affair. What is more horrible is to NOT tell this man so he can protect himself and his children. That is cruel and manipulative. Adultery changes peoples lives. You can't prevent that. What you can do is warn this man so he can protect his family.

The decent thing to do would be to call him up and tell him all about the affair. That would be an act of kindness and decency.

MelodyLane, I asked this question to a gazillion people and even as a yahoo question. Most people feel the relationship of the OW is non of my business. Often people think I will ruin the life of three more people. They tell me more or less it is selfish to contact the husband. Not kind. Not decent. This forum is the only source I found that tells me to do the opposite. Im still her, pondering. Because it would be a relief. But is it really the right thing to do? If the OW had no children it would have been a no brainer.