Code for, we aren't good at negotiating.



Of course you are. But now you are giving her better reminders.


Issues are the very last thing I want to think about after a pleasant evening and before bed. Ick. That's when romance should be ramping up.

Your issues are not going to be solved overnight. I would give it a rest or pick one small issue to start, and email her about it. Maybe post your email so that we can help you make sure that it is love buster free.

A good rule of thumb is to leave the unpleasantness of the past in the past. Don't bring it into the present. It just reminds her how unhappy she was in the past. You should be focused on making NEW happy memories so the past can be left in the past.

Jim, what are you referring to specifically when you say "issues"?

Maybe this was unclear or misleading.
What I was trying to say, was that you should not talk about heavy stuff, relationship status, problems in the marriage, or unsolved issues right now. That is what I meant by relationship talk. You need her lovebank super full, and one pleasant evening is nowhere near enough time. You need several weeks of need meeting.

If a decision needs to be made about something small, then email her. But remember that large problems won't be solved overnight so put them off until her lovebank is full.

Also, by showing affection and spending time with her, you are addressing the major issue. You dont need to talk about it. You know what it is! Now execute your plan.

Since you brought this up, Is like to know what you were referring to...

Low retirement funds?

DQ, my wife constantly expresses to me that I don't talk to her about the hard stuff (issues). I feel under pressure to discuss issues with her because she has continually told me to do that for many years and I haven't done it to her satisfaction.

Thats why I continue to bring things up or suggest that we talk through things...DJ

As far as "issue" are concerned, these are the love busters that I have done for years:

independent behavior
selfishness
angry outbursts
arguing
ignoring my wife
being passionate about hobbies and not about my wife

These have all shown up in different experiences that we've gone through...DJ

Thanks for clarifying what you mean by relationship talk. I don't remember anyone saying to hold off focusing on anything relationship-related for at least a month until yesterday...

For right now, do not bring up the hard stuff. If SHE brings up a specific complaint then you can address it in the way that I spelled out for you a few posts back.

If she says, You never want to talk about the hard stuff...". That is not really specific so tell her that you will try to do better with that In the future.

So to be clear...intimate conversation is not issue conversation. It's positive and connective. Not conflictive.

Once her love bank is full, .hard stuff will get easier.

But you have achnowledged those mistakes to her. The way to compensate for that is not to bring it up, it is to show her a different behavior. That was then. This is now.

Note: She may bring your past mistakes more often as a response to your new positive behavior. In her mind, it's not reconciling-the past with the present, so she verbalizes it as a comparison . Say, I'm sorry for that. I can't change the past but I can change the future. Move on to a positive topic or idea.

I believe that as the love bank grows, it gets easier to deal with the issues. Thanks for your comments. I'm pressing on...DJ

Good job Jim.

Good morning, DJ,

I'm hoping that you'll give an update soon. Whether the weekend was a success or a flop, it's time to get back in the black with your love bank deposits.

Hi DQ, I think that the weekend was a success. We spent time together alone for most of the day on Saturday. I've avoided talking marriage issues and focused on UA. My wife did make a comment at one point about me not talking about things in the past and I told her that I couldn't change the past and was working to change our future. She didn't say much in response to that.

We did plan a trip to Disneyland and made a downpayment on the trip. Its not until the end of the year but it is something that we've been talking about doing for some time now.

I've been suggesting/talking to her a lot about spending time together throughout this coming week. I believe that she sees that I am working to spend more time with her. I believe that I am depositing some love units.

We will be traveling together to visit her parents in another 4 weeks. We'll be driving so we will have a lot of talking time (10 hours). I used to dread this but I'm actually looking forward to it.

We had some difficulty over the weekend with my wife's mom and dad. They are both in their late 80's and we are getting close to having to help them decide on a long-term care/assisted living kind of thing. I've been very supportive in trying to decide who to approach this and what can be done. I think that my wife appreciates that very much.

All in all, I think that the weekend was a success and I'm continuing to stick with my contact throughout the day at my set times. I'm still sleeping on the couch for now.

Thats all for now...DJ

Good job, Jim.

Can you think of one boldly romantic thing that you can do this week?

Ideas:
Flowers: bring some home and put them in a vase for her. Or have some delivered.

Order something for her off Amazon and let it surprise her.

Make a small piece of art using lyrics to "your song" from when you fell in love, or use lyrics from a song that makes you think of her.

Buy a restaurant gift card and wrap it up, with a date invitation.

Send a link to a song that has lyrics that make you think of her good qualities.

Buy her favorite treat and serve it to her some night if she is in bed early watching tv or reading. Just drop it off and say, special delivery!

Whatever you do, make it a romantic gesture. Can you do that?

When I was unhappily married, and did not know about MB, I often wanted to sit down and talk about 'issues.' In general, society believes that communication is the key to success and therefore, spending hours talking about our problems seemed like the way to resolve them. Also, as someone pointed out on your thread, I wanted my H to 'get' what he had put me through with his selfish ways. Just like your wife, I saw my H's resistance to talking about issues as a lack of care and understanding (when in reality, it was just very unpleasant for him!).

Now that we have been following MB and are much happier, talking about 'issues' doesn't even cross my mind. I wouldn't think to bring up things that happened years ago now, and I wouldn't want to ruin any of our fun time together with verbally blogging about both our transgressions.

Your response to her wanting to talk about issues was perfect. Stay the course and I have a feeling that will resolve itself.

DQ, I will think of something that I can do this week and will follow through with it...DJ

Great!

Be prepared that she might feel awkward, so her reaction might be negative. If so, reassure her that you wanted to do something special for her to let her know that she's important. Then come back here and let us know how it went.

Don't forget to hold yourself accountable by checking in about your daily deposits.

You are on the right track. She is talking about a future with you, and iit sounds like you did nothing to upset her last weekend.

So today has been difficult. My wife is again bothered that I haven't been bringing up any of our issues (love busters) and talking them out. I have been avoiding these and focusing on trying to make love bank deposits. Not seems to me that it would make some big love bank deposits if I were dealing with our issues. She just feels that I am skirting the issues and trying to dodge things at this point. I intend to keep up my contacting her throughout the day and writing her notes in the morning. I'm a bit confused about filling her need to talk about difficult things...she seems to be crying out for this and the MB position seems to be to hold off and avoid these issues for now...am I missing something?