Talking about it will make it much harder for you to personally recover and it will make it impossible for your marriage to recover. Don't bring it up again, friend!

Did you ever expose on the OM's side?

Is your W still on FB?

Did your WW ever send the NC letter and did you ever get your spyware into place?

This is a critical time in trying to get on the path to recovery, 42.

If you check in infrequently, I am worried several critical things are going to be overlooked.

My ws found out that I was trying to put spyware on her phone. She has removed all passwords and given me access to anything. Cancelled her Facebook and put cash I found hidden in the bank. I did expose the OM through Facebook and his employer and he shut his account down after. My ws sent him a text on d day and told him to never contact her again though I cannot confirm that as that text was never eco reed when I did Dr wonder.

New glorious problem....my ws agreed that she had met her lover in Florida and gave me details but I thought there was more to the story...this morning I began reviewing tax information and found multiple flights that I didn't know about. I confronted her (ws). Ian she admitted that he flew to her a number of times and she flew there also. Six visits all involving a physical sexual relationship. In the past few weeks as we began to do love buster and emotional needs worksheets, she ranked sexual fulfillment as #10. She only told me because I caught her. Which is a proven pattern. She denied ever having sex with him until this morning. Now it appears that was more deception. I begged her for mercy and to not make me go through this again but she said she knew I would divorce her if she told me. To think that last night we told each other we thought this was working. I can't build on dishonesty. I'm not sure I can do this alone.
I am barely hanging on...

I asked her to move out. She said she won't. She told me I have to divorce her because she's not abandoning the children and that ever since I have been listening to her (past 3 weeks since d day) that she has the man back that she wants. Unlikely...pathological liar...I never left. She says today that she has been "indifferent" to me for 5 years. If I have to start over with affair discovery, and questions, and details...which I will...followed by anger that I thought I had quelled, which I will, while she is in the house...I don't think I can survive it, let alone our marriage. How can this be good for us?

Back to the beginning...

What can be done with someone who continues to lie and tell you that they don't want a divorce. This is really horrible.

42n8one, I realize this is very upsetting, but you are closer to recovery than you were yesterday. It is not uncommon that a wayward spouse will trickle out the truth. It is an incredibly stupid strategy that hampers their ability to save the marriage, but many still do it.

I would ask her to commit to giving you the full truth in one last session. After that, the affair should never be brought up again. What is most important is that your marriage is affair proofed so she cannot do this again. Has that happened?

How is it that she was able to go on these trips without your knowledge? That is a major RED FLAG.

Also, she needs to write a no contact letter and it should be sent together.

Keep in mind that she is in the long habit of lying. No excuse but she needs to make a concerted effort to a) get the truth out now and b) change her habits.

Would she come to this forum and allow us to help her? If she would agree to do that, you can email the moderators and ask them to remove your thread so she doesn't see it.

I am not closer. This is a major step backward for us. And me. I really think I want her to go away for awhile.

My friend, I know you FEEL you are not closer, but in actuality you are. Believe me, we have all been in your shoes. But you will not feel this way in the future. While getting all the truth was hurtful and caused new obstacles in the trust department, it is better to know the truth than not.

NO ONE would blame you if you ended the marriage. But if you decide to save your marriage, we can help you.

Ok. And really. Thank you so much for your guidance. Is there any reason other than abuse (in my situation) that she should leave? I need her to at least live in the basement or something.

I think we should do the phone counseling.

Do not even think of asking her to live in the basement. You must not punish her, or humiliate her, and you would be doing that.

As far as the new details of the affair...how much should I want to know? The details and explicit events are killing both of us...I felt like I wanted to know but it is making things much worse. We were doing the last session as you recommended.

You will want to know the topline facts, such as where, when, what did you do. Don't ask for explicit details.

I think you would greatly benefit from counseling with Dr. Harley's son if you are going to seek counseling. We can help you here, but he can get you on the right track. I am concerned that you are going to make a decision based on - very legitimate - feelings. This is a very emotional time for you and I think you could benefit from getting some good grounding from Steve Harley.

In order to recover with her, you need a happy marriage with her. Putting her in the basement will make her unhappy, and it won't make you happy, either.

You can either recover with her, or recover without her, but you cannot recover with her without both of you being in a happy marriage where you are both in love.

42, I noticed you mentioned God and forgiveness, and I noticed you also mentioned bouts of rage. From that I can see we have a lot in common: a belief in God, and a problem with rage.

Let me just tell you, 42, that these things don't mix.

Probably you would benefit from talking with Dr. Harley about his concepts of the Giver and the Taker. You probably view yourself as a strong Giver. The problem with that is people with strong Givers usually set themselves up for massive resentment and then their Takers wake up and hurt somebody and turn them into the exact opposite of giving people.

Have a talk with Dr. Harley and ask him to sell you on a better idea than being a strong Giver. Tell him markos sent you. It will help you, it will help your kids, and it is probably mandatory for saving your marriage.

I am going to schedule an appointment with him. Thank you all for being so kind. When I re-read all of this I really sound pathetic. I'm actually a little stronger than I sound I think but this is wearing me down a bit. Anyway thank you all again.