Hi,

About 2 months ago my wife said she�s (likely) wanting to separate, which was a SHOCK to me despite our relationship being quite stale.

So here�s a bit of our background;

I�m 47, my wife 42, we met about 14 years ago, were married 12 years ago and we have two beautiful daughters aged 6 and 10.

When we met I thought she was the most gorgeous thing ever, not long after we were married and not long after that we were having our first child.

My wife is a compassionate, kind, generous, selfless person who had a difficult upbringing, her parents are of English background, she calls her father emotionally baron and her mum is quite a narcissist who lent on both her kids for emotional support. My wife�s parents moved around the country (with kids) a lot and were divorced at around 10-12 years after marriage however continued to live together (and still do so) largely for financial (and maybe for supportive) benefits. My wife�s dad has lived a single life ever since and my wife�s mum has gone out with a thousand guys ever since seeking her perfect mate which she still seeks. My wife has been seeing a therapist (currently 3 to 4 times per week) for past year or so to help her deal with her upbringing, identify who she is, seek happiness, etc. My wife has been, for about 6 months, working about 4 days a week in a supportive role for a family drug support program.

My parents are of Europeans background, very (too much so) family orientated and I�ve turned out OK but not someone who shows his emotions much nor someone good at being emotionally supportive.

In the past 4 weeks or so, I�ve seen a relationship counsellor several times, seeing a therapist to learn more about myself, so far read �the 5 Love Languages The Secret to Love That Lasts by Chapman D. Gary�, �Things I Wish I-d Known Before We Got Married by Gary Chapman�, some of �Distant Partners by Les Carter�, chapter one of �Love Busters� and some of Gottmans work. All I can say is that I wish I had done all of this many years ago as it has opened my eyes as to what happens to many relationships/marriages and what could be or could have been done to keep the �flame� burning. I certainly went into our marriage with little preparation and knowledge and so probably did my wife. I wish my wife would read these books (quite ironic when I�ve never read any books in past 12 years) but she�d rather continue reading �Wild - from Last to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail� by Cheryl Strayed.

My wife has been seeing a therapist (currently 3 to 4 times per week) for past year or two to help her deal with her upbringing, identify who she is, seek happiness, etc. She is (hesitantly) seeing the same relationship counsellor today for the first time.

My wife has largely devoted her life to our children (and our family) and likely losing/lost herself (who she is) along the way, she has tried to maintain romance in our relationship and been very supportive.

I have largely devoted myself to work and providing and put little time & effort into romance in our relationship, though I have always helped out, helped with our girls been a good father, in some respects been a good husband but provided little if any emotional support to my wife. We�ve made lots of money along the way and then lost it during the 2008/09 stock market melt down, so financially it�s been a roller-coaster though I have continued to provide reasonably well.

So here we are, my wife (likely) wants to separate, she is discovering herself through therapy, she see�s no emotional connection with me. She seeks her own happiness, putting herself first, emotional connection and no longer wants the materials things. She says she loves me but is no longer in love with me. There has never been any verbal nor physical abuse in our relationship.

I don�t want to separate, I want us to seek counselling help, I want to try bringing romance into our relationship, I want to try filling our love tanks/banks, I love her and want to at least try turning up whatever flame is left.

Separation will have massive & numerous consequences for us and our daughters, my wife will no longer be able (nor afford) to do many, if not most, things she currently does (this is not a threat but a reality check) , so I struggle to fathom that she wants to separate without at least seeking help to see if we can reconnect. She has little hope of reconnection, I have some hope but realise this could eventually still lead to separation.

Finally, I said to my wife last Thursday; we renewed out vows 3 years ago (this was something my wife wanted to do) at a small private ceremony, did this make you happy and she said not really but it was fun.

I�m devastated and seeking help & support through the relationship counsellor. Going to the therapist offers little in the way of help & support at this time but is more about finding out about myself and determine if I want to make changes in my life.

So seeking any advice anyone can offer.

Welcome to MB.

I'm really sorry to tell you, but your wife is having an affair. She isn't discovering herself through therapy; she has discovered another man. You need to go into sleuth mode and find out who it is. Don't, whatever you do, ask her about this. She will just respond with outrage, then bury her affair further so that you cannot find evidence of it.

You may have a Very Difficult time believing this, but reading thousands of marital stories on multiple sites over the years, Every. Single. Time. that a Spouse says something like;

"She says she loves me but is no longer in love with me."

It is a near guarantee that the Spouse is involved with someone else.

No one wants to believe it and they often times throw themselves on a sword believing every complaint that now and suddenly comes out of their Spouses mouth.

Save yourself the time and trouble.

Find out for sure. Now, it's time for you to go into secret sleuth mode and install a stealthy cell phone monitoring software on her phone and a keylogger on her personal and Family computer.

You will likely be in denial about that, but it is usually the case.

What kind of a job does she have and how long has she worked there?

Does she incessantly use and guard her cell phone?

Has anyone's name popped up in a conversation that sort of got your gut instinct triggered, then you allowed it to fizzle out without investigating?

Do NOT let her know you are trying to find out what is going on behind your back.

LTL

OK, I'm (still) open to the idea of her having an affair, actually that's what came to mind a few months back.

She had travelled a few times interstate for work last year and about 2 months ago I found she been texting a guy from her work albeit from another state and she found me early one morning on the ipad looking at guys at her work website. I brought up the issue of her having an affair and she said something like no she is not having an affair but this didn't mean she hadn't revealed her emotional soul (to someone).

She went to this other state to see a friend and also ended seeing this guy when he was playing in his band. Though I'm sure this guy has a girlfriend and daughter. This guy also came to our state about a month ago to play with his band and my wife went to see the band play and helped then out, driving them around, etc.

Also, she's been going to the gym a lot early in the mornings (like 5.30am) for past several months because she said its important to her to keep physically healthy. When I brought up the issue of her having an affair (with a guy from her work) she deflected it onto why couldn't it be someone from the gym.

And yes, she's been on her phone almost permanantly in past several months and changed her password, so I can't get into it for now.

I am so sorry, but she is having an affair. Your first step is to quietly snoop on her and find out the facts. Don't ask her. Come back here when you get the facts and we will help you save your marriage.

Can you hire a PI? A good PI can usually get everything you need in a couple of days.

And I would really drop all this focus on her childhood and "finding herself." That is a needless distraction and a total waste of time.

My silly question.

What would you define as an affair?

A romantic relationship with a man or a woman.

Is this the coworker you mentioned? Its likely this is who the affair is with.

Yes this is a coworker, whom works at the same organisation albeit works & lives in a different state to us.
So my wife would likely have seen him initially at the state headquarters when there was work conferences where she & him would have travelled to last year.
When he travelled to our state with his band in Feb, I didn't worry too much about it because I'm sure my wife mentioned about his daughter and girlfriend, so I figured he was attached living in another state.
But it appears my wife has at the very least had an emotional connection with another guy (likely this guy) even if there hasn't (yet) been a physical relationship.

Sir, sorry to tell you, but your Wife didn't travel to another State to swap emotions.

The quicker you accept this fact and do the investigating to find out the facts, then the sooner you can expose and break up their affair.

LTL

it is a sexual affair. I am sorry to tell you all this. But you shouldn't take our word for anything. Hire a PI and you can get all the evidence you need. With the evidence we will help you save your marriage.

So 2 months (when she said she wanted to separate) and I asked whether she was having an affair and she said no, then she likely lied to me?
WOW this is out of character, she prides herself on her integrity and authenticity!

YES she did.



I believe you. Affairs are out of character for about 99% of cheaters. She is having an affair.

OK THX.
Will try to check the mobile phone bill when I can, this should confirm continued contact with this guy.

That will only show you a phone log and not evidence of an affair. I would strongly urge you to get solid evidence of the affair. Go through her phone, her email, place a voice activated recorder, hire a PI if you can. Don't confront her unless and until you have evidence. If you confront her with only a phone bill in hand, she will just dismiss it and go further underground.

if I were you, I would invest in a good PI if you can. It is well worth the investment because you can save your marriage if you get the facts. We will show you how.

I am very sorry to have to tell you all this, but it is better to know than not know. If you have the FACTS, you have a chance to save this.

Also, stop asking if she is having an affair. She will just continue to lie. When you find the evidence, do NOT confront her. Come back here so we can counsel you on the next step.

OK, I have gone through phone bills up until 26 Feb (thats all I have for now). She has been on the phone with this guy just about every other days up to 25 Feb, even I think at home outside! And phone calls can be up to 60 mins.

I'm not sure how to get onto her phone because I don't know the password (anymore).

He lives in another state, 2 hours plane flight away.

BTW, I haven't asked about an affair since 2 months ago.

I'm going to my counsellor to discuss this on Friday.

What next?

UPDATE
Spoke with phone company;
Wife has phoned this guy every day during March so far multiple times.
This guy has a Bachelor of Psychological Science.
Is there any question there is an emotional relationship with this guy... I don't think so!

What next?

Skip the counselor and GET THE EVIDENCE. Going to "counseling" while your marriage is in trouble is a needless distraction at a critical time. You need to be doing some super sleuthing right now and GET THE EVIDENCE. A call log is not evidence of anything other than lots of calls. It does not prove an affair.

Go here to get some tips on how to spy on her: here

Without telling WW do the following:

Check with the phone company for copies of the texts sent.
Hide a VAR in the WW car.
Hide a VAR in the house where WW usually takes her phone calls.
GPS her car.
Turn on the GPS on her phone.

Again do not confront on your own.
No matter what you find you must never tell your WW how you found out the truth.

So let us know what you find out and we will guide you through the next step.