By the sound of it, this is the same counsellor that your wife is seeing for individual therapy.

f you tell the counsellor what you have discovered, he or she will leak it to your wife. You might think that what you discus with them is confidential, but there is no way the counsellor will not seek to discover why your wife is doing what she is doing, why she is talking to this man a lot, what sort of friendship he offers her whether she has romantic feelings, etc. The counsellor is there to help her, after all. He or she will see talking about this as part of the job.

Once they let the cat out of the bag, you are screwed, my friend. Your wife will move out for sure, accusing you of being paranoid and controlling, saying that your suspicions justify what she has been saying all along, about not being able to live with you. She will move out, and in a few months' time announce that she is NOW in a relationship with this man, while still swearing that she was not in one while she was living with you - and everyone, including the counsellor, will believe her.

If you don't approach this the way we tell you, you have had it. You can kiss your marriage goodbye.

Absolutely don't tell your wife about marriagebuilders now. This is your plan, your strategy. The good moment for that is when the affair is ended and she genuinely wants to recover.

For now, snoop and gather evidence. Stealth mode.

Hi,

I don't know the passcode to her iphone which I assume means I cannot download stuff onto it.

Also, the only way I could possibly get my hands on the phone is during the night whilst she is sleeping with chance she catches me which is no good.

Will try to get copies of txt messages from phone company, which is probably the best evidence I cant get.

The guy lives in another state so the only contact they would have is via phone calls or txts.

What is a VAR in the car?

VAR = Voice Activated Recorder.

They are digital now and you can save the files in a secret file on your computer for the future if needed.

Can you access her i-cloud account?

In the "Operation Investigate" subforum on this site, there is detailed descriptions on how to access all the messages stored in the cloud.

You can Accidentally brake her phone and buy a replacement for her and install cell phone spyware on it before giving her the new one. Then, you will have her new passwords and ALL messages sent.

Oh, she did already hook up with this guy physically. It's not an emotional affair only. Remove the blinders. Is that a deal breaker for you?

LTL

Can you watch her put in the code?


I would still try to do this.


I would try to do that, but you have other resources. You can put a voice activated recorder and a GPS in her car. Where is she when she speaks to the OM?

Does she have an iphone? And do you have her itunes password? you can get everything if you have that.


Did you forget you told us this?:
It looks like they do have planes in your state so they could be together in a matter of hours.

OK, lets say I get evidence.

I'm dying to know what to do next?

How can I get everything via itunes?

What you will do next is kill the affair through exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing it will cause the affair to crumble. Once that happens, you will have a chance to move in and save your marriage.

The other part of this plan, called Plan A, is to do your best to present an attractive, pleasant place for her to land as her affair crumbles.

This is past emotional. As you've been told a few times on this thread, this is already a sexual affair.

Do you have the password?

I don't use an i-phone, but I read a very detailed post in the sub-forum I previously recommended to you that shows you how to get copies of every text message by accessing the i-tunes account.

You have to put in the action to figure out how to get things accomplished instead of viewing everything as an obstacle.

Affairs blow up once they are exposed. Then you Plan A and do No Lovebusters.

Have you bought the book or downloadable versionoc Dr. Harley's "Surviving An Affair" and the other recommendation is the book, "Lovebusters"?

Read the Operation Investigate subforum on how to access the u-tunes account if you are serious about trying to find out about and destroy you marriage destructive affair your Wife is involved in.

LTL

Pac
First - Slow down, dont get ahead of yourself
Second - build up intelligence (it will take a little time)
Third- Stop using a relationship counselor, they will not support exposure and NEVER know how to deal with adultery
Fourth - once you have data, come back here for instruction

I guarantee a VAR hidden in her car will yield what you need to confirm the affair. Make no mistake about it, your wife is committing ADULTERY!!!!

Don't act foolishly or on emotion.- This is very important, and hard to follow!!!!!!!!

You need to be like a private eye, James Bond, cool, coy and not rattled.


We are hear to guide you so you don't make the same mistakes many of us did.

I'm sorry you find yourself here PAS, but for a guy in your situation, you stumbled into the exact right place.

I'm just going to reiterate what everyone is telling you. Yes, you wife is having an affair. Read through some other situations here, you will see a that pretty much every story is at it's core the same.

Wayward Spouses all act the same. Betrayed Spouses do too.

So, take a few deep deep breaths, and get ready to take a crash course in affair survival. First: DO NOT DO ANYTHING to tip your wife off that you are on to her. Do not tell her about Marriage Builders, do not let her find it. As crappy as your situation is, as far as these things go, you are in about the strongest position you can be in. Second: EVERY instinct you have, every thing you want to do right now, is dead wrong and will make your situation worse. We all know, this is really hard. Most of us had already made numerous mistakes before we found this place and began to figure out and get advice from some very experienced people in how to get through this.

Read through the material on this site and begin to form (FORM, not implement, yet) a plan to get the truth about what is happening in your marriage. Read about the behavior of Wayward Spouses, you will be amazed to see your wife in all of them. The only good thing about that way WS act is that it is predictable, which allows you to follow a plan that has a chance to succeed.

No one here can predict the outcome of your situation, but many here can help you maximize your chances of recovering your marriage if you want to.

Sorry again that you are here. Be still, steel yourself for a rough road, and use this site to arm yourself with the knowledge you are going to need. We'll be here to help.

I understand she is having an affair.

I might have her itunes password (but dont have her iphone password).

Will get a VAS for the car and try to get TXT messages from phone company.

PS- I'm in another country with large time difference, thus why my posts come at different hours.

THX

What do you know about the other man? What can you find out without tipping your hand? Does your wife have any friends that would be sympathetic to your situation? How is your relationship with your parents and her parents?

Also your wife is going to gaslight the hell out of you. She's going to twist everything around to be your fault to keep you off balance and out of her way. For me this was really hard to handle before I found this site and figured out what was going on. Once you figure it out, it takes the power out of it.

This is also a good time for you to do some introspection about your half of the marriage to date. The affair is not your fault, that's all on her, but you are responsible for 1/2 the marriage, and you have to learn to fix that half, and suck it up while you convince your wife to end her affair and return to the marriage. Read about Plan A, actually, read everything Dr. Harley has to say!

Hi Tyk, I understand what you say and I have done plenty of introspection about my half of the marriage to date and I have have not given enough or any time nor energy towards romance.

OK guys & girls.
My wife has been having an affair.
Massive amount of calls & txts to this guy.
Have reasonably intimate photos (not nude, but intimate enough) of them together at his state, which is something one would not do in front of there spouse... so as Dr Phil says, its cheating!
I think that's all the evidence I need, I hope!

What next?

We actually have a 4 week holiday coming up with our 2 daughters so this needs to be addressed urgently. I do have a Counsellor's meeting with her tomorrow and I was carefully going to bring up what she previously had said and say that I feel she's having an affair and see what she says. If she denies then I would say that my gut feeling says otherwise and I'll need to consider over the next couple says.... which brings in the Exposure Plan.... I feel angry and I will expose this f..ker and hope he loses his job!

No. If you do that, you alert her and she will take te affair underground. If you are at war and want to defeat the enemy, you don't warn him. This affair is the enemy, if you bring it up she will deny and take measures to protect it.

Your best chance to fight it is not to bring it up, but attack it with one good blow. If you follow your own plan, the fight will be longer and harder. Don't give up your advantage, never share intel with the enemy.

If you bring it up, she will deny and gaslight. Then she will be more careful to protect the affair. It is like asking an alcoholic if he drinks. The alcoholic will hide his bottles and keep drinking. Your wife is an addict, the affair is her alcohol. Don't give her the chance to hide it better.

You think she will give you an honest answer, but you are not dealing with the woman you married, you are dealing with an addict who will do anything to get her fix.

So DON'T ask her, unless you want the affair to continue.

Read the exposure 101 link.