Hi everyone. I can't believe I found what seems like would work. Of course I seem to be a day late and $ short at times when it comes to things like this. Long story short, been married to my husband for 14 years, we have an 11 year old and one away at college. I don't even know where to begin. We have been in this awful round about of each of us constantly doing love busters and not fulfilling each others emotional needs. The other day I asked my husband what love bank # he would be and he said -100. I told him first that I was at like -10. I have not implemented anything jointly with my husband as of yet. He has said numerous times over the past few months that he wants to move out. We had been arguing daily and both had had enough. I told him that he had said he wanted to leave for the last time and that he could move out right now. He has been at a hotel since. I messed up and wish I could have read about the plan A/B 2 weeks ago. In the few days after he left we talked and got along more than we had in months. I gave him the emotional needs questionnaire this past Sunday and asked him to fill it out. I also gave him a copy of the joint agreement and asked him to read it and think about it and lets talk about it soon. We had a few long conversations about our kids, some sort of plan and he said he wanted at least a 6 month separation with a goal of getting back together. (don't feel happy about that and would hope of a 3-4 month to month lease) We went out to dinner on Tuesday and as he was dropping me off I saw on the floor of his car was an unsigned lease agreement for a condo. (I had knew he was thinking of doing this) It said a ONE YEAR lease. I feel devastated. I just feel like this will be the beginning of the end for us if he does that. Since he has been gone I have 100% eliminated all love busters(I'm currently reading the book) and until I get his questionnaire back I can only guess what his needs are(but I'm pretty sure I know a few at least) I feel like he's having a midlife crisis. He has completely denied this. As I have read and read I really believe he has Mr nice guy syndrome.***EDIT*** I have tried to talk to him about it and he instantly got defensive. Then after more talk I think he may be starting to agree. I have mentioned that book to him and he is currently reading boundaries first. He has a good heart and I believe he wants to do better but just doesn't have the tools or support system. We started therapy and it was just a B$tch fest. I don't even feel like it was any help(we went twice so far) I would love to implement something from the marriage builders but I don't even know where to start. He seems to do most everything at a snails pace. I have read 3 books in the past few weeks and he's on page 50 of #1. (Should I think..at least he's reading?!)
I have tried to fill his love bank even though he has been gone and I do believe it has helped. My biggest issue is that I feel like even if I tried Plan A, I wouldn't get past a week if I didn't get any response back from him. Plan A says.. "acting like an angel" If I could do that, I wouldn't be here in the first place. I just have no clue how I would ever want him back after an entire year. He doesn't really meet any of my emotional needs and with him gone now for only 8 days, I see already that all his love busters are long gone and it makes me comfortable and content with him not here. Where do I start to just my marriage back?! Thanks.

Why does he want to move out? Men normaly don't want to move out. You mention a midlife crisis. This is often a eufemism for affair. Seperation will not save your marriage, but is likely to destroy it.

First thing you need to do is establish wether or not he is having an affair. If there is no affair, the strategy to save your marriage will be very different.

Do you have access to his phone records and computer? Is there a woman at work who he might be talking to a lot? Don't ask him, if there is an affair he will not tell the truth anyway and you don't want to alarm him.

For now, plan A is your plan and you need to snoop. In the section "operation investigate" you find info on keyloggers, GPS units, voice activated recorders.

There is no affair. I'm 100% sure. He just can't stand the fighting and love busters anymore. I feel like he wants to go back to age 20 and have a redo. I think he's so far in the negative that he rather be alone. Yep my fault but he has faults too. He says he just can't do any work on himself being in our home.

MLC is code for affair and moving out is code for affair. So you have not ONE but TWO huge red flags for an affair.

The only way you could be sure is that there is no affair if you have spyware on all of his devices (phone and computer) and have had a PI following him and VAR in his car.

Every poster tells us there is no affair. That is COMMON.

My sister came to me telling me her H was having MLC and it took not only me but this forum to convince her to SNOOP - in less than one week she had the evidence that she was 100% sure she would not find that there was, in fact, an affair.

I am pretty sure he is having an affair. The first step is to QUIETLY snoop on him and find out what he is doing. Moving out makes absolutely no sense unless there is an affair. Don't ask him, just quietly snoop. Can you afford a PI for a couple of days?

"Mid life crisis" is a term used by spouses who are in denial. It is a meaningless term typically used to excuse/explain a spouse who is having an affair.

ok so let's say I snoop and do not find any affair. Then what? I already can track his car and suppose I look at the phone records. I can look but I just don't feel like this will help me/us at all when I don't find anything.

Feelings are not truth. If you find out there is an affair, we will help you save your marriage. But you can't save your marriage if you don't have the FACTS. The steps to save a marriage that is damaged from infidelity is radically different from other marriage problems. If there is no affair we will tell you how to proceed. If there is, we will give you another plan.

The key word being QUIETLY.

What I have found is that posters have such a strong desire for the marital issue to NOT be an affair, that they will go to the WS, confront them in the hopes that the WS will pacify them with claims that there is no affair, and then the WS just takes the affair underground.

Which will only make a BAD situation WORSE.

Please do NOT confront or ask your spouse about any affair. Please.

Hire a PI.

I know you don't want to believe there is an affair but your husband's behaviour is textbook wayward.

Once you have the proof, MB can help you kill the affair and give you the best chance for recovery.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Then when you snoop you can rule out whether there is an affair or not. Like all the other posters have said don't let your H know you are snooping.

Come back here and tell us what you found.

Why do you track his car? That is an unusual thing for a spouse to do.

ok soooo I am looking at cell phone records and it looks like you all may be right. I'm shaking and in shock right now. texts all day long while a work, all early morning. It seems the numbers change constantly. Now since he has been out of the house it is late at night and even 3am! ok so besides shutting my mouth, NOW WHAT?! OMG OMG

I am so sorry. Please calm down and don't say anything. You need to get EVIDENCE of an affair. What you have is not direct evidence. Can you hire a PI to follow him for a few days?

Who is the woman? Do you know who she is ? Can you find her name, facebook page, marital status?

Save all this evidence in a safe place.

The kind of car there is a phone app for it, when we got it 3 years ago we both have the app so when I drive it. We can warm it up before getting in, track charging that sort of thing.

I have no clue who it is. I don't even know how to find out. Hire a PI, yea sure why not. With the amount of texts going back and forth is there anyway it can't be another woman??

Right. So what do the records how about where he goes in the car? Is he supposed to drive just to work and back home? Does he do that?

Yes. There isn't anything that would clue me in that he has been not where he is supposed to be. He gets up showers and goes to work. Takes care of our son when he is supposed to, comes home. Gets a pay check. (so he clearly is at work) He has not worked out of town, he has not left town. He has one activity/week that I am not with him and he is with two of our close friends. (but now I see they have been working out of town, so they may have not been there) but then I see all these texts sometimes when he is there, so who knows. There are multiple #s where there is texting ALL day. One is an out of state area code, so that's confusing. I'm not sure a PI can prove anything.