It was just between me and her. I had agreed to charge it to the HSA a few days before and then I sprung my statement on her...

What do you mean by "sprung"?

I didn't really mean anything by "sprung"...I just said what I said...

Ok. Thanks for your candor.

Jim, she felt lots of ouches from that one situation. Considering the reactive state she's been in, that's not surprising that she threw out the "get out of here" card. Take it in stride.

In an email, tell her that you've been thinking about what you said and that you think you've figured out why it was upsetting to her. Then write those ways down for her and let her know that you will do your best to be more respectful in the future.

Let her know that you won't be moving out, that you are already sleeping on the couch at her request and that you are making changes because you want a great marriage with her.

Then,
take her flowers TONIGHT with a card saying something simple like XOXO, Jim.

Can you do this, Mr. J?

Mr. Jim...
What's your plan?

Since I haven't heard back, and you may be home by now...

PLEASE please, please, don't bring up any other negative topics until you figure out what went wrong in this HSA situation. Write this one in the POJA notebook as a topic to email about LATER


There are many reasons why this HSA situation was a landmine.

Here are a few...

The problem was not defined from both perspectives.

Her perspective was judged as wrong and yours as right. No brainstorming for a win-win took place.

You didn't approach her by email in a thoughtful manner.

You weren't on a date spending UA, you were "taking care of a task" and seeing family.

She already finds herself in a vulnerable position with this situation due to your special expertise and experience on the subject.

Your Giver agreed with her the first time, even though your Taker was not enthusiastic. So you sacrificed, which set her up for more upset.

Please study the POJA and 4steps to see how using those rules would give a different outcome.

DQ, I left work and wasn't able to respond to your email. I will attempt to do so now. I did follow your advice and got my wife flowers. I sent her an email before I left work and apologized and told her that I understood what I did and how I treated her and that I would be working to correct this going forward. I sent the email before I left work to come home and she never read the email until after I got home. So she wasn't real receptive to the flowers though she did not throw them in the trash which I fully expected. I gave them to her and again apologized for my lack of respect and left it at that. She proceeded to get into a discussion of why I am a jerk and again brought up the hurt that I caused her by being passionate about my bicycle and not about her. I chose not to really say much because she is right; I was a jerk and I did value that hobby above pretty much anything else. It was a diversion from our marriage troubles and helped me to escape into a world where everything was good. I see all of this now and its has become so clear now how I blew it for so many years.

She went to bed and on her way again told me that she just wants to get away from me now and isn't buying any of my BS. She told me that it looks like she'll need to be the one that leaves if I won't. She is very angry and hostile right now. I've gotta say that it really does worry me. It seems like such a huge hole that I've dug and to climb out will be a huge thing to do...

Hang in there, Jim. She knows how to get your goat. That's the only way she could get your attention in the past. And you are right that she has reason to be resentful.

Imagine how frustrating and confusing it would be for her, after 30 years, to have you suddenly apologizing and checking in. She would wonder how and why you could do this now, instead of before.

Jim, have you snooped? She seems to check her computer often. Could she have another point of comparison? A friend from the past? Facebook? Church? It wouldn't hurt to check. But DON'T get caught.

Take courage. Even compared to a fantasy, you are still her best option; as long as you keep stepping it up. Calling her bluff by leaving right now would confirm her accusations of BS and leave you both vulnerable to worse decisions. Please make sure that once a week you give her some tangible token of affection. She needs those reminders especially when you blunder.

As I have recommended lots, I would see if you can email Dr. Harley again to go on the show. You need to see if he would still recommend separation. At some point, your wife needs to see that she is not going to have to teach you. That you have help. That she has backing and that there is hope. It wouldn't hurt for Dr.Harley to get her take on things and maybe even give her some feedback about her, uh, negative contributions.

Another idea is to involve your pastor. Have you done that?

You are a churchgoer. Time to practice some faith. Have you asked God for help here?

You will need to climb out of this hole together, Jim. At some point she will need to stop punishing you. But right now, she can't imagine the possibility that all of this pain could be faded away with a happy marriage in its place. And unless you let Dr. Harley tell her that it's possible, she only has your actions as a benchmark.



Think of this song when you need an extra push to keep your motivation up, okay?

Be diligent Jim,

She doesn't believe you when you say you're going to change. The fact you apologized and let her know you're working to stop that is a step in the right direction.

You're next step is to recognize those moments when you're about to whip out a DJ and stop yourself.

Brace yourself for another pep talk, Mr. J.

Good job with the flowers. Remember to call her next time you send an important email, to tell her that you sent it, and don't talk about what you said in it. You did great.

Please don't ruminate over your mistakes of the past. It is so unproductive for you to self-depricate or for her to keep bringing them up. Remind her that you can't change the past but you are changing the future.

Keep on replacing negatives with positives. Please focus on positive, affectionate, short emails to your wife. Find something specific, like a compliment about how she looked last night, or about what a good mom she is. She needs to know that you see her as a valuable person.

You have 2 hrs of commute time every day, right? You should be listening every single day to the radio show. If you have access to the archives, I would search by the topics of independent behavior, undivided attention, and disrespectful judgments. One theme at a time. After a while it will help you catch your own lovebusters before you do them. As Mr. Alias said, that is the goal.

You must be swamped this morning...

Will your DW come here and post?

You listen to the radio show, correct? So you should know how important UA time is, correct?

There are more recent shows at the end of this thread. Have you listened to them?


The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

Good morning Jim...
Starting to worry here...please let us know that you are okay.

I have snooped and I've never found anything out of the ordinary. My wife doesn't use Facebook (she loathes Facebook) so there is nothing there. We are very active in our church. My wife is extremely private and we've always kept out problems between us and not involved anyone outside of us. I've been the only one to go outside of that course by coming to this forum.

I'm still here. My wife is really sick; in bed with the flu. I've been trying to help her. This sickness has humbled her some and that always seems to provide an opportunity to make some love bank deposits. My "get out of the house on Wednesday" deadline has come and gone so I'm just trying to work things and be consistent with my contact throughout the day.

Hi Brainhurts, I listen to the radio show pretty much every day. I'm very aware of how important UA time is...

Thanks for keeping us in the loop, Mr. J. I'm glad that you are getting a do-over opportunity.

Remember a month ago when your wife had medical needs? You had been spending affectionate UA time together and she had invited you back into the marital bed. That was around Feb. 17th. Here is what you told us...




I know that you can have better success this time. She needs you. Allowing you to help her will make her feel emotionally vulnerable, especially after telling you to leave. So don't give her any reason to be upset. How can you accomplish this?

Before you do anything....ask her!

How would you feel about?
Would you prefer __ or __?
How would you feel if I were to ___?


If she gets upset, try to stay calm. She has a track in her mind that says "Leave by..." and any mistake you make puts her into that track. If she does say it, tell her that you don't feel good about that idea.

You started your affectionate contacts with her on Feb. 25th. Don't quit. Ever!

You are doing well. You have lots of pressure at work, but keep putting her first. Ask, How would you feel about... If her answer has any speck of sarcasm or hesitation, do Nothing!!

Let every single call go to voicemail. Then find out who called and ask her how she would feel about you calling back....any hesitation from her? Fight the impulse and put it off.

Keep conversations POSITIVE.

Keep emails positive, and in gift status, without expectation from her.

You are almost to 30 days of consistency. Be thinking about this: The Next step is to plan and fine tune 20 hours of UA TIME and to figure out how to get your wife on board.

How come you never followed it? Why wasn't it a priority?