The show I quoted is most pertinent because he is in the same situation as back then, and he didn't follow Dr. Harley's advice. He should relisten and get in touch with Dr. Harley this time to make sure before returning.

Did you relisten to Dr. Harley's advice?

Is your wife contacting you?

Please don't stop your love bank deposit shedule. When you talk with her, try to focus on an even amount of concerns and questions about her day, as well as disclosures about yours.

Are your kids aware of what's going on? Is your ecclesiastical leader aware?

Radio Show of dividejim's 3-26-2014 show

^^^^ this!!!!

Please answer Prisca's questions.

Prisca, I'm not sure what I can do. My wife insists that we must reconcile these past mistakes that I've made and not doing this is always always what causes things like me being kicked out of the house. All of the folks on the forum have consistently told me not to focus on these things. How can I continue to ignore my wife's requests of me to talk about these things when she's asking me to do this?

Have you asked her on a date?

Apples, you used the term "VAR" and I wrote back to you and asked what you meant by that. Can you please clarify what you meant?

No I have not asked her to go on a date. Things are too fresh and I'm not really in the position to do that just yet.

If the goal in talking about them is to reconcile the past mistakes then, of course, you'll have to discuss them some. But if the entire focus of those conversations is her pointing out what you did wrong with no agreed upon solution to ensure it doesn't happen again then I would definitely avoid those conversations.

The message as stated before should be "We shouldn't focus on the past. Acknowledge that it did happen but look for solutions to protect each other and the relationship going forward.".

I suspect your wife believes that discussing these things of the past are ways to coming to a solution. When she describes something you've done do you take the time to (again) apologize but always offer up what you plant to do in the future to insure she isn't hurt again.

An apology isn't effective unless there is a defined plan to describe how you'll avoid doing the same things in the future. It's not enough to simply say you have remorse and are sorry for what you've done. You need to define the plan for protecting the person you've hurt.

Can you describe what those conversations look like?

This time away may be good for you. You can take this opportunity to inform her you're going to work on the things that have created this distance. Hopefully you two can plan some dates and have some fun together. Being separated is going to make it more difficult to have frank discussions about how you protect her from you in the future.

You'll have to do some work to make yourself appealing to her.

Voice Activated Recorder.

DQ, my wife and I have had no contact since Saturday morning (going on 2 days now). Our children do not know what is going on and neither does our ecclesiastical leader. We've always kept our problems very private and not involved others as I've told you before. I'm even very uncomfortable sharing my situation on this forum though it does help me to be able to talk about this with others.

I just listened to the Mar 2015 show that referenced an email that I sent to Dr. Harley and Joyce. The advice that Dr. Harley gave that stood out to me is that I should:

o find a comfortable place to stay
o stay separated until my wife and I can come to an understanding as to how we are going to communicate going forward

What does that mean? Is this a suggestion to have a voice activated recorder that I use to record my thoughts?

Jim, Dr. Harley was clear that there will be no resolution until your wife can have discussions with you where she is not flying off the handle and punishing you by piling on with mistakes of the past.

Of course there are problems. But until you BOTH learn how to discuss them with the goal of a solution, no progress will be made.

Just last week she again brought up your biking to punish you. She is aware of no other option. You went to the doctor, at her request, and she then kicks you out. She's too mad to tell you why. She cannot stay calm when you miss the mark. Dr. Harley said that you are in a "No Win" situation.

Have you relistened to the March 2015 show? Dr. Harley is VERY smart, Jim. He understands what steps need to happen to motivate change. Your wife got you motivated, didn't she? You are STALLED until something or someone motivates her to STOP OBSTRUCTING your efforts. Right now, she doesn't want you to succeed. She associates you with pain.

We were hoping that you could meet enough needs to soften her heart through UA and deposits. KEEP THAT UP.

You can bang your head against the wall all day long by asking us why, why, why? It is simple. You are thoughtless and impulsive, and your wife has an anger problem. Your combined conflict resolution methods are so bad that they've brought you to blows in the past.

PLEASE EMAIL her a link to the March 2015 radio show and ask her to email Dr. Harley with her viewpoint. She could divorce you, but this should be the last time you get yourself kicked out. Enough already.

I would tell her that you need help learning how to handle discussing problems and you need Dr. Harley to coach you through it. If she doesn't want to go on the radio show then you can suggest Steve Harley for privacy or the online program for privacy.

Stop wasting time having posters here explain your wife when Dr. Harley did it already.

So Jim, what has to change before you return?

A big problem I see is that you don't take the initiative. You wait for people to hold your hand and walk you through it. This is not going to be very attractive to your wife.

What can YOU do? You've been here 4 years ... surely you have some ideas.

When your wife wants to talk about these things, how do you respond? Do you brush her off? Are you using the MB principle to hide behind and not address her concerns? These problems are still very real and in the present for her. Nothing has changed as far as she can see.

Do you say:
"I'm not going to discuss the past with you again"

or

"I am sorry I did that, sweetheart. I am sorry I hurt you. In the future, I will _________." A sentence like this will go a long way.

Thank you so much for summarizing his advice. His advice supercedes any forum poster's.

You are going to have to initiate contact. She will not.

You could also send a token like flowers with a hand written note "Thinking of you."

You do need to start taking more initiative. Get out your calendar and make a romance plan for the week. Keep up your calls and texts. She wants to know your focus is her so don't let up.

I totally understand since I was in a similar situation. That's why I keep suggesting the online program. However, Prisca brought up a good point about how using Marriage Builders improperly or as means to control your wife would be a bad idea. But if you can get your wife to Dr. Harley, hopefully she will see that he truly cares and knows how to build marriages.

Jim, this is just a suggestion... How about praying for your wife's heart to be softened, and for you to have your mind opened to treasures of knowledge. Pray to have your mind opened to date ideas and pray for courage to keep asking her out.

Are you depositing at each alarm? What did you send this morning??

She is not going to be interested in Marriage Builders or its rules if she thinks it's just going to be used to shut her up and make her leave you alone about what she feels is a real problem in her life. She has to be shown that something is in it for her. How can you show her what's in it for her?