Wait. Slow down.

What did you husband's letter say? Was it identical to Dr harley's template in the book? Was it a letter, an email or a text? Did you read it and press "send' yourself?

This letter?

This is not a sprint, this is a marathon. Your first yards may have gone well, you need to focus on reaching the finish.

Please share your steps here, to help guide your feet.

Yes the letter was like that. I approved. Sent via text(the only contact he has with them). Yes I agree a marathon. Now he is dealing with the backlash. He is upset that everyone thinks it was sexual when it wasnt. Most are very supportive. I need some sleep and then we can start the work.

Don't believe him that it wasn't sexual. Just don't.

You are being very brusque with the advice we are offering. I am trying to stop you finding out later that this has all been false, and he is still in contact with them.

Didn't you say that at least one of these women is a co-worker - the younger one? How is he supposed to go NC with her, if that's true? And please remind me of his relationship to the other one. How did he meet her? If she's local to you, you're going to need to move house. Recovery from something like this is a big undertaking. It does not work by sending a letter and drawing a line under the events.

And your husband needs to stop lying. His relationship with these women is sexual, not emotional. He has spent the night at one of their houses, and they talked about his wearing out his body part.

You both need to be tested for STDs, no matter what he says about not having intercourse, or later, when he finally admits that he had sex and says he used a condom.

In your shoes, I'd be looking at a polygraph test. Your husband has been playing around for quite a while now, and I don't think you know the half of what he's been doing.

What exactly did it say?

But it WAS sexual. The problem is he is still lying. The first step is to come clean. If he wants to lie, then you should schedule a polygraph.

There are alot of holes in this whole deal. Like Sugarcane pointed out, doesn't he work with one of these women?

Yes!! And I think you have stuck your head in the sand and ignored very obvious signs. I knew from your first post that he was having an affair, but you didn't. How is that even possible?

This woman?

It was not the coworker. What if it was not sexual?

You knew Melody because you have 86000 posts on here and have been reading and learning about this for many years.

I asked if it was proof enough, I had zero proof there was anything sexual and he has not admitted to anything like that. He is quite shy in that area. I have no idea what else to say.

You can find out if it was sexual and/or if he is concealing additional affairs or information by having him take a polygraph test. If he is not lying, he will welcome the opportunity to prove that to you.

What do you know about these women? Do you know their full names? (Don't tell us their names.) How did he meet them? What kind of relationship dies he claim to have had with them? Do they know each other - was this some kind of 3-way? How long was he involved with them? how far from you do they live? Are they married? Why did they hang around with a married man?

You are FAR too willing for this to be over, but I think that this goes a lot deeper than you realise, and if you don't get to the bottom of it there are worse surprises awaiting you.

Yes, but you live with him so you have had a rare view that no one has. I think your H has had other affairs too from the sounds of it. I hope that you have learned the signs from this experience. If not, I predict this will happen again.


Schedule the polygraph test and hand him a list of all your questions. [these won't necessarily be the questions asked on the polygraph.] Give him a chance to come clean BEFORE the test but tell him that he MUST pass the test. He will likely spill his guts once he sees he can't manipulate you out of the test.

You are in the long habit of sweeping everything under the rug. You won't be able to have a marriage if you don't stop doing that. Being gullible and naive need to be things of the past.

I do know their full names. I know where they live, they both live less than 30 min from us. They met at the bar over the 3/11 weekend for the first time. He admitted it was emotional with the younger girl. He says they do not know each other and he was not with them together(yes I thought of that too) neither are married, I have no idea why they would hand around a married man. First I believe they didn't know he was married(he admittedly removed his ring at the bar), secondly the older one is total scum. One of those bad women who bar hop and are on all men.

I have asked him if he would take a polygraph and he said sure. He said he never touched either of them in any way.

He said it was 100% emotional and the 24 year old was telling him how nice he was and what a great person he is. Clearly something that I have been failing to do all this time.

Yes this has happened before, 10 years ago. Same sort of thing. Although it went on longer. I would say maybe 2-3 months.

I just bought surviving the affair.

He is currently mad. I told a few of his coworkers(they were fb friends) He deleted his fb account. Then he started on that he should be able to tell everyone all the things I've done to him. I don't even know what to say to this. Of course I have made mistakes, of course I am not perfect. What do I even say to this?

Yes I do want this to be over, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get the marriage I want.

I don't really want to bury my head in the sand.. but this is very scary. My mother has told me all day.. this is a mistake, you shouldn't do that. Those things should be private. My sister never even responded. My father is an alcoholic,(long out of the picture) the family is used to sweeping things under the rug. My sister also had an affair a few years ago to which I believe no one really knows about. It was never really brought to light and they got divorced right after.

I have had quite a few friends respond positively. People who know me, have seen my bad side.

He had an affair and he wants to punish you? I can tell you that his attitude reflects someone who is not remotely serious. Why did he come home?

I bet there is more. He is very wayward and I can tell he has been that way a long time. He will have to make a radical change in his lifestyle to protect you from more affairs. Did you follow the checklist?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

It will be very easy for him to hook up with them.