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He also says he is going to air all our dirty laundry. Any bad things that I have done, even before we were married. Like physical fights and horrible name calling. Is this your idea of a husband who is sincerely remorseful and committed to marital recovery? No, but until he does it, its just his anger coming out. He feels like since he has never told anyone the witch I could be, that I shouldn't have told anyone about this. So go give him that opportunity to get on board right now. He will not be serious until he sees you are serious. Now is the time to take radical measures to protect you from another affair and give you just compensation. I gave him the opportunity to get serious. After a couple hours he came to talk to me. He agrees with all my requests. He is going bowling tonight to which he told me his teammate was going to drive him to and from to which I disagreed. (Teammate still drinks too) yep so he's going to drink away his sorrows tonight. I am going to pick him up instead. (Im going to show up early) I also requested he sleep in our bed, to which he also agreed. he has classic mr nice guy syndrome, everyone knows he isn't perfect now and he has to deal with it. I told him to tell whoever he wants about anything I do. Currently there wont be anything to tell. 🙂
Last edited by newtopia; 03/24/16 03:46 PM.
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Im looking forward to this.
"When the fog has finally lifted, and the source of addiction no longer has control, the value of exposure is usually conceded by the addict himself."
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he has classic mr nice guy syndrome Really? Is that how the book describes a "Mr Nice Guy" type of man? I'd burn the book.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Im looking forward to this.
"When the fog has finally lifted, and the source of addiction no longer has control, the value of exposure is usually conceded by the addict himself." It will probably take longer than you expect for the fog to lift. Is a relationship emotional if there is physical contact? Is a relationship emotional if there is sexting? In your eyes, is what your husband had an emotional affair? Do you think an emotinal affair is harmless?
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He agrees with all my requests. He is going bowling tonight to which he told me his teammate was going to drive him to and from to which I disagreed. (Teammate still drinks too) yep so he's going to drink away his sorrows tonight. Again his actions don't back up his words. He SAYS he agrees with all of your requests and then he goes out bowling and drinking? I wouldn't put up with very much more of this. It's an IB (Independent Behavior). It's breaking EPs (extraordinary precautions). He shouldn't be doing ANYTHING recreationally without you and he most certainly shouldn't be going out drinking at night with his buddies. Newtopia, do you understand this??
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he has classic mr nice guy syndrome No. That's your positive spin on his IB and lack of POJA, doing things he wants at his wife's expense -----> which will not lead to a happy marriage, period. No need to psychoanalyze it further.
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So what am I supposed to do? Follow him to bowling and babysit? Not allow him to go? That is beyond controlling behavior. Who says that is healthy? Dr Harley certainly hasn't said anything like this.
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[
He is going bowling tonight to which he told me his teammate was going to drive him to and from to which I disagreed. (Teammate still drinks too) yep so he's going to drink away his sorrows tonight. ; This just confirms what I said before, you are not serious about recovery. Why in GODS NAME would your husband be going alone? Your marriage is on the rocks and you are supposed to be creating a romantic relationship. So your husband goes out with his buddies - without you?? Are you aware that you are married? Your H will never get serious until you get serious. The posters here take your marriage MORE seriously than you do. You have wasted valuable time of volunteers on this forum.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So what am I supposed to do? Follow him to bowling and babysit? Not allow him to go? That is beyond controlling behavior. Who says that is healthy? Dr Harley certainly hasn't said anything like this. Independent behavior is VERY UNHEALTHY. Your husband is controlling YOU, not the other way around. Are you really married?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also...
You never anwered my question about his secret bank account and credit card. Did he give you access to those records? What is he going to do about those accounts?
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Also...
I see you said he "blocked" the OW. That is not appropriate. A block can be worked around very easily.
He should change his cell phone number and anything else he used to talk to these women (such as email).
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] So what am I supposed to do? Follow him to bowling and babysit? This is the reason you are in this mess. You have mother/son relationship with a grown man and not a romantic, integrated marriage. Your husband is not in love with you and he won't be unless and until you work together to create a great marriage. And that does not mean going out alone like he is a teenager or a single man and you are hims momma. Are you actually legally married?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok so I ask all these questions on here, I come here for help and advice and this is what I get?
You didnt even answer my question. What am I supposed to do?
Also of course I am married!! I stated that in my first post. Why would I be here asking for help and then lie?
I also posted to you about his poly results to which you never replied.
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Also...
I see you said he "blocked" the OW. That is not appropriate. A block can be worked around very easily.
He should change his cell phone number and anything else he used to talk to these women (such as email). Did he just block her number? When is he changing all contact information?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Also...
You never anwered my question about his secret bank account and credit card. Did he give you access to those records? What is he going to do about those accounts? And how about these?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Polygraph is back
He passed. He has never had sex with anyone else besides me since we were married, no oral sex, intercourse in the last month. No females in his hotel room. He admitted to hugging and kissing other women in the past month. One text said from one woman said "if you give your D to everyone till it hurts you are gonna have a big problem"
After further snooping on his phone I found the moment app. Funny thing this was put on forever ago by both of us for no real reason. It shows where his phone was at and for how long. At the bar until 4am more than once(pretty sure they close at 2) and it looks like he may have stayed at her house overnight. AND that was the night before he came home! I do know their full names. I know where they live, they both live less than 30 min from us. They met at the bar over the 3/11 weekend for the first time. He admitted it was emotional with the younger girl. He says they do not know each other and he was not with them together(yes I thought of that too) neither are married, I have no idea why they would hand around a married man. First I believe they didn't know he was married(he admittedly removed his ring at the bar), secondly the older one is total scum. One of those bad women who bar hop and are on all men.
I have asked him if he would take a polygraph and he said sure. He said he never touched either of them in any way.
He said it was 100% emotional and the 24 year old was telling him how nice he was and what a great person he is. Clearly something that I have been failing to do all this time.
Yes this has happened before, 10 years ago. Same sort of thing. Although it went on longer. I would say maybe 2-3 months. Purely emotional as well? Why write a letter, what would he do with it? He doesnt know their address. ] He spent a night at OW house, and he doesn't know the address? There are many inconsistences in this thread. The text about him "giving his D*** to everyone" and poly result with no sex are highly contradictory. It's your choice what to believe, of course...
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So what am I supposed to do? Follow him to bowling and babysit? Not allow him to go? That is beyond controlling behavior. Who says that is healthy? Dr Harley certainly hasn't said anything like this. Here would be the course of action MB would hope you would take: This one is critical. Put in all EPs that will eliminate the opportunities for affair activity. Eliminate all contact with the OW and other women in general. Go through the EP checklist and insure they have ALL been implemented. If you're unsure of the items on the list or someone tells you you're falling short ask specific questions and get very direct advice on what to do. While you are implementing EPs and forever forward be on your best behavior. No AOs, no DJs. Be enjoyable to be around. The fact he's thought of you as the "B" HAS to change. He'll buy in if he's sees what's in it for him. What's in it for him will be to have a wonderful spouse who is a treat to be around. Your first step after putting into place all EPs is to perfect POJA. Seeing everything that has happened while he's been away from you do you think it is a good idea to have him going off by himself? Are you truly enthusiastic about that? Your answer should be NO. So what do you do? YOU DO NOT implement control. You negotiate with him a better solution. You implement POJA. Do fun recreational things together NOT apart. "I am not enthusiastic about you going out alone where there is drinking and opportunities for you to be around other women. I would like to discuss some alternatives that would make us both happy.". "I would also like us to work at finding plenty of very enjoyable things for us to do together." POJA is something most people really do not understand how to do and how it really works. They tend to think of the exercise as a control mechanism but it's not, it is a protection mechanism. Why would any loving spouse want to do something that they know hurts their spouse? (even if it's just little hurt). By coming to a joint agreement you work together to protect each other, protect and grow the relationship.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Ok so I ask all these questions on here, I come here for help and advice and this is what I get?
You didnt even answer my question. What am I supposed to do? Did you read my post? Also of course I am married!! I stated that in my first post. Why would I be here asking for help and then lie? I just wanted to make sure because it doesn't seem that way. It is up to you to hold your husband accountable and you are not doing that. If he won't give up his independent, single man life and commit to making radical changes, then you should separate. Instead of him going out bowling, you should be going out on dates together. There are many other holes in your story that others have pointed out. Hopefully you will answer them. This is the most exhausting case I have ever seen because you are so eager to go back to the status quo where everything is swept under the rug and you ignore every red flag.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[Seeing everything that has happened while he's been away from you do you think it is a good idea to have him going off by himself? Are you truly enthusiastic about that? Your answer should be NO. So what do you do? YOU DO NOT implement control. You negotiate with him a better solution. You implement POJA. If he goes off like that, he is controlling HER. It is not "controlling" to ask your spouse to stop doing something that makes you unhappy; it is controlling to FORCE your spouse to put up with something that makes her unhappy. He is controlling HER. His single lifestyle falls under extraordinary precautions and should be ELIMINATED. That is not negotiable.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks This helps.
I have a plan and stated it to him. He is in 100% agreement. No women friends, no drinking without me. No bars, ever. No overnights apart. We are planning on spending all our time together. I have every account he has; sign ons and passwords. Policy of joint agreement, remove all contact. Total honestly.
He saw the one woman 3 times. (The other once) I do believe him. Maybe some people don't think I should but I do. He never did anything physical with her except dance with her twice. He says he has zero feelings for her and never did. She was someone to talk to and to listen to him(exactly what he was missing from me)
We are going to talk more about this for the next week and never talk about it again. I also asked him about the woman from ten yrs ago and he explained what he remembered. It was pretty emotional with her. (I knew this). Nothing physical except kissing with her
He also asked me to fill out the emotional needs questionnaire. He filled his out and gave it to me on Tuesday I believe. We are moving forward.
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