Newtopia,

It sounds like he is on-board. I'm hopeful that he is sincere.

Now the work begins.

Maintaining all EPs. If you've completed them all. Others will comment on that.

POJA
PORH
Undivided Attention
Eliminate LBs

If he's willing I think you and him should read through a few of the good Dr's books.

Surviving an Affair
Fall in Love, Stay in Love (a great guide that brings everything together)
His Needs, Her Needs
LoveBusters

I've read the latter 3. Good stuff.

Is he writing the NC letter for you to send?

Is he changing all contact information?

He sent them a text. A letter is impossible, he doesnt know their last name nor address.

They never knew his email or fb or even his last name. (Of course they know it now because of my exposure letter)

Also at this point I'm trying to decide on needing to change his # or not. It was contact for a week, he has zero feelings for either.

I have 3 of those now. Started with LB, and now working through the first one.

We are trying to help her with the "work". However she keeps ignoring posts which makes it next to impossible to help.

Off the top of my head,

Posts that have been ignored REPEATEDLY

1) changing of phone number (blocking does not work)

2) did he give you access to his secret/private bank account and credit card?

If you don't want help, then just say so.

Title of your thread

"I'm new here and need help!"

There goes that snotty, demanding tone again...

There are two articles I'd like you to read, in order to get an idea of what your marriage should be like from now on, in terms of recreational activities and hobbies. Your husband's preference to go bowling weekly without you is a problem in at least two ways:

1. It allows for him to meet another woman who will meet his key emotional needs. This has already happened, as you well know, with his habit of drinking alone in bars. When that happens, he is having an affair.

By the way, is that what happened with his first affair many years ago? What were the circumstances of that? Did he go out alone, and meet a woman he could talk to? And when you say it became very emotional, what does that mean? What did you discover them saying to each other? Did he fall in love with her?

Also, how did that affair end? How did he manage not to see or speak to that woman again, if they were so emotional involved with each other? Did it have a clean ending, or did it drag on for ages? Was she married? Did she live near you?

2. You are both squandering an opportunity to spend your most enjoyable times together with each other, doing something that you both enjoy. If you've read all the articles about emotional needs on this site, you will know that being together when you are happiest is the fastest way to create romantic love. Contrary to what a lot of other people think, romantic love does not exist by itself, spontaneously creating happiness when people are together. People fall in love when they are dating, because they spend enjoyable time with each other. However, as many married couples find, when kids and long working hours come along, and they cease to spend time together, their romantic feelings about each other disappear. Their marriages become unhappy, and they become ripe for affairs.

This article explains the importance of spending recreational time together, and not going off separately and spending it with other people. Even if your husband is not having an affair at the bowling alley, the point is that he is not having an affair with you, and he should be.

The second article explains why it is a waste to spend recreational time with anybody other than your spouse.

I hope you will see when you have read these that it is not about nannying him. It is not about timing how long he is away, phoning or FaceTiming so that you can check up on him while is there, or banning him from going. That is what MelodyLane meant when she said that you should not build a mother-child relationship with him.

The point is that you you need to express unhappiness with his having this alone time - these boys' nights out which are his escape. He should not be seeking to escape from you, and he should not be doing his favourite things without you. There is no point in being married if he has feelings that he needs to escape from you.

You must not lecture him about the wrongness of what he is doing, but you should ask him to stop, and suggest that you change your lifestyle so that you go out together 3 or 4 times a week. He has had at least two affairs while living his independent life, and that life needs to stop, for good.

I said above that I have all access to all acounts. (I already looked it up and it lines up with $ that he told me all about)

I'm not sure about the phone # change yet. I'm thinking.

He has been bowling on a mens league for 15 years. We were bowling on a doubles league but just stopped that this season. It was my decision. He would refuse to do anything else with me and I rather use two nights a month for one on one dates. (Which of course rarely happened)

I guess I'm not enthusiastic about him bowling once/week. I think we both allowed each get used to doing things alone. We are working at changing that. One step at a time.

Too I just dont know if it makes me unhappy that he bowls once/week. Enthusiastic? No but not unhappy. He enjoys competition with other men. I'm in women groups and I enjoy those too.

It's up to you, newtopia. I'm only telling you what Dr Harley advises, and trying to show how using Marriage Builders would transform your marriage. Nobody can force you to do anything.

Are you going to answer my questions about the other affair?

The principle is that you spend the most enjoyable hours of the week together. This is how you fall in love again. This must be the #1 priority of there is no glue to hold you together. Escape together.

The added benefit is this also blocks other women from him.

I can answer what I know. I don't know how he met her. I believe at cards.( he would go out and play cards/darts, bowl). This was 10 years ago. Our son just turned 1. I was working afternoon shifts twice/week and every other sat. I dont even know how I found out, I believe the texting again. It went on for maybe 3 months. I requested many things like the list here including changing his number and not going out anymore. Of course we didnt have any of the tools here. He admitted to me just in the past few days of talking that he was in love with her. I'm not sure if he admitted that before or not but I knew. What he liked about her was her confidence, knowing what she wanted in life but wasn't judgemental or critcizing like I am. I don't believe it was a clean break. I remember him moving out for a few months and them coming back. I don't believe she was married and she lived within 30 min(prob less) away. I knew it ended because I spied on him and we did things together. I changed to day shift once/week.

Currently I am still dealing with my husband and every male he knows thinks that because he didn't actually have sex with someone else that its not that big of a deal. He has had many of his male friends say this to him. Since I exposed an affair when everyone thinks SEX is an affair he is still angry at me about this. He has told everyone that there was no affair. He doesn't deny what he did was wrong, but in his words not nearly as bad as sex.

Meanwhile he has told his friends that he passed a polygraph. He's been off work since the exposure and going back tomorrow. I'm expecting him to be pretty mad tomorrow. He's fb friends with a few from work so they know too.

He still acts like a child at times and does things like leaving without telling me to my face. (Because I am at home working and asked to not be bothered).

We made a weekly plan and he never put anything on it for today. Then he decides to grocery shop, left without letting me know and then went bowling and put a note in the kitchen. I called him just before he got there and asked why he didn't let me know. He said cause I couldn't ne bothered while working. So pretty much if I'm not available he does as he pleases. However he did say do you want me to come home and I said yes, so he did. He was meeting two friends and had my son too

We are getting on each others nerves. I'm pmsing and at one point this evening I just wanted to leave for an hour. He says im not in enthusiastic agreement so I sit in my car and scream and cry. (To his agreement)

This is so difficult.

On top of all this his emotional needs says he would like me to lose 50lbs.
I'm just beyond overwhelmed and feel like a failure. My love busters are the worst and I dont meet his needs. Not to mention he doesnt meet any of mine so I feel like I'm hugging and kissing a stone. 😢 I'm not sure I'll ever be happy with him ever again.

Have you considered temporary ADs to help you through the most difficult times?

What are you doing that is fun? Can you make a getaway trip to help build the Love Bank?

What are ADs? Maybe the weekend of the 8th. I mentioned it to him and he didnt sound like he cared to much.

Did the two of you implement POJA? He doesn't seem to care about POJA on other topics. He seems to be using it as control/punishment, not to gain a happy marriage.

Yes we did. I'm sure he would say it's possible to your statement because he feels that Im controling him in regards to the policy too.

Just a few hours before that when he left to go bowling (without even discussing with me) when he asked "what do you want me to do, come home?" I said yes. Sure even typing this out I feel like I'm dealing with a bratty child.

Of course he had to post on his fb page this morning that he is frustrated about going to work today. Because everyone thinks he had sex with another woman. Yep this is his main concern.

Again he says I've been terrible for so long and he never tells anyone how I am.

Also he said in a group text to friends yesterday that his reasoning for talking to women in bars is so he wouldn't be screamed at for once. I'm not even going to deny it.
Our love busters have been in full force for quite awhile before all this happened.

I just feel like I'm expected to be perfect for years all the while not getting my needs met and him with constant love busters towards me. Sure makes me feel resentment and fake.

newtopia, like I have told you before many times, he is not serious in the least about recovery and you should plan to separate. I am not sure why others are telling you to learn "POJA" when you have a spouse who is still not committed to this program in any way. When a wayward husband will not commit to recovery, you don't stay together, you separate. That is DR HARLEY'S standard advice in these situations.

You are being controlled and gaslighted. He controls you when he demands that you endure his independent behavior and he is blaming his affairs on you. He is in no way committed to recovery.