He also asked prior to leaving if we were driving separate so he isnt stranded. Yet here we are waiting and he is calm as a cucumber.

I feel like you're not listening and just doing your own thing, newtopia. It's been a struggle the entire thread.

Keep in mind that your "own thing" has already led to a crippled marriage.

I am still baffled that you argued with us about getting evidence (as ML pointed out) while at the same time concealing the fact that there was already an affair in your marital history. I think at one point you were even indignant and said something like this entire forum just screams "affair" at everyone.

This isn't good....

I'll totally admit it, I was in total and utter denial and disbelief when someone mentioned affair. What am I doing on my own?? I appreciate the help.

I have a recommendation newtopia. The good folks here can guide you through this methodically. Right now you are kind of all over the map with establishing and implementing your plan. Not to worry, it's hard as most of this stuff is counter-intuitive and/or most everyone lacks the experience to know what to do when.

My recommendation is that you work through your plan with someone that will guide you. Either the Harleys or one of these great posters. You discuss the plan with them, you tell them exactly how you're going to complete each key element in the plan as you are ready to do each logical step, get their agreement that you understand exactly what needs to be done and then you go execute it.

As for your H's behavior. I'm sorry he feels that way. Seems he has a bit of an anger issue and isn't remorseful for his actions. In his mind you're the reason he did what he did. We ALL know that is NOT the case. He did what he did because he has no idea how to have a great marriage.

You have to have a response to his outbursts. The good people here will provide you with the statement you should make to him.

Something along the lines of ...

"I'm sorry for the things I did that deteriorated our relationship. I take full responsibility and accountability for MY actions in this marriage. I would like to have a loving and fulfilling marriage with you and I am willing to do the work to make it be just that.

That is why I am doing the things I am doing today. It is the ONLY way we can recover from what has happened. We have a lot of things that we need to change."

Polygraph is back
He passed. He has never had sex with anyone else besides me since we were married, no oral sex, intercourse in the last month. No females in his hotel room. He admitted to hugging and kissing other women in the past month.

I've never seen him so angry. He probably won't talk to me for the next week.

The anger will dissipate. You need to move him towards the plan that will help you to recover.

I suspect he'll get even madder when you tell him what else needs to be done but again you need your mantra and a statement to him that indicate where you want this to go.

. Thank you. This helps a lot.

FYI, he'd better be remorseful. If I found out my wife did this I would be EXTREMELY hurt.

Don't you dare let him think his anger is justified in anyway.

He said that the question was asked in a way that if he hugged OR kissed he had to say yes. (Which was not what I wanted asked, only kissing) He was remorseful until the flood of calls started to come in asking him about sex. It appears not many people think hanging in bars with women, texting nonstop as long as there isnt any sex is ok. I dont think he thinks this was ok, but he certainly thinks it is a much less offense. He definitely doesn't think I should have told everyone.

WRONG!! You are the victim here. Does it feel less offensive to you? I'd think not. Hurts the same no matter what. He violated your trust and his vows to you. Emotional or physical an affair is an affair.

We could all care less what he thinks of his actions. He's the perp in this not the victim. He was thoughtless, selfish when he did what he did. I wouldn't expect his current thought process to be any different as he's still fogged. Hence why you need to put into place some serious extraordinary precautions. It is the only way you'll ever get over what has happened.

BTW Newtopia,

If you think hugging is OK but kissing is not you have some lessons to learn. There is no way you'll be able to incorporate EPs into your M if you think certain harmful actions are less damaging than the next. It all aids in the progression of the destruction of the M.

Do yourself a favor. Educate yourself.

Read through the entire Surviving an Affair book.
Listen to the weekday MB radio program.
Read as many of the posts in this Surviving an Affair forum as you can.

We're all pulling for you and your M.

Is this your idea of a husband who is sincerely remorseful and committed to marital recovery?

I dont think either are ok at all. I think some things are easier to get over and move past than others.

I have been listening to the radio show for about 2 weeks, am half way through Love busters and bought the affair book yesterday. I also have his needs her needs and the workbook. I'm working and trying. I like how you said, he didnt know what to do. That is so very true. He was sad and felt ignored, I totally get it. Then he did this. I'm trying not to feel like I deserved it. I know, he could have spoken up, he could have left etc. we were both just ignorant to needs and love busters.

Our situation is very like the q&a. Cant we just forgive and forget #2. My husband has probably been in the red for quite some time now.

No, but until he does it, its just his anger coming out. He feels like since he has never told anyone the witch I could be, that I shouldn't have told anyone about this.

Newtopia, your next step is present this plan of recovery to him. If he will not get on board with this plan as outlined in the checklist AND give up all his opposite sex friendships, stay out of bars, and work with you to create a happy, SAFE, romantic marriage, then you need to ask him to leave and go into plan B. His attitude tells me this is all a big joke to him and he is not serious.

So go give him that opportunity to get on board right now. He will not be serious until he sees you are serious. Now is the time to take radical measures to protect you from another affair and give you just compensation.

Do you have the exact questions and answers that were given on the polygraph?

He was hugging and/or kissing other women and HE'S pissed at YOU? That is not rational. He created this situation by lying to you.

If the fact that you have behaved badly yourself in the past by being a B* to him justifies his hanging out at bars 'till 4:00 a.m. and hugging other women, then why did he ever lie to you about it?

If he actually punishes you for not trusting him after he lied to you by not speaking to you for a week, that is proof positive that he is not serious about your marriage.

If my spouse came to me concerned that I was having an affair, my reaction would be to prove that I was not and do anything I could to reassure him and strengthen our marriage -- not to punish him for his concerns. You H is definitely not acting like a man who cares about his marriage or his wife's feelings or concerns.

Exactly. Nope he sure isn't acting like he cares at all. Even though he admits what he did was an emotional affair he is angry that everyone thinks it was sexual. I can't rationalize with him and make him empathize that it is still just as bad.

The question said kissing and hugging. It was explained to him that even if part of the question was true he had to admit or it would be like he lied. If he stated anything other than yes or no it would be like he lied. So he admitted to hugging but not kissing because the question said both.

So you don't believe the results Melody?

It was never asked if he kissed another woman besides me in the past month.