I know all of the recommendations are Not to be scared, but it's hard not to when you are unsure of the next step and a wrong one could spell doom.

PTSD, you did expose to your children, right? If not, I would get that done. They should know all about the affair too.

I would not try to reason with your spouse anymore. She is in the fog and has no reason. If she brings it up again, just tell her you are sorry she is upset but you feel it was the right thing to do.

And yes, we understand we it is scary! You did a great job of taking action despite that fear. Hang in there, you are doing great!

Read this. Exposing to Children

The children do know.
In fact they were the first to know.

As far as the charity organization, all positions are voluntary.
It is a non-profit, and even the top elected positions receive no pay.

I am 100% sure there were no mis-appropriation of funds.
Those are locked down tight by a financial officer, and they never had access to them.
I am also sure the current administration, if informed, will do nothing and show no support, but will possibly use the information for their personal gain. The members of the current administration, before taking over, were hostile toward the last administration (her administration).

Member, TheRoad, mentioned above about continuing exposure to the remaining "mutual friends". This was discussed earlier in the thread. That the remaining mutual friends are individuals very local to me, (the OM is located on the other side of the planet) and are only mutual because of the organization in which we belong. None are "close friends with influence" but rather close-acquaintances.

Through that previous page discussion, I am under the impression those would be non-targets.

So, if I understand correctly, the recommendation is that I now go quiet, hold tight, wait for her to contact me, explain again that I am sorry she is upset, and move right back into discussing her willingness to hear out "The Plan".

Is that correct?


So far, the information on the main website, and the advice given here on the forum, have been right on.

I think you need to be very clear about what you are doing and why you are doing it. Your marriage will not survive if she continues her affair. It may not survive even if she stops the affair. If you want your marriage to have a chance, the affair has to stop, so you will do whatever you can to stop it and require ongoing verification of that. Really, the only thing you need to be telling your wife in regards to that is that you will do whatever you can to end the affair and provide a path to recover your marriage. Quit worrying about whether or not she likes that, it really doesn't matter! You did pretty good discussing it with your WW. Keep firm in your conviction that you want to work on recovering the marriage, and study and implement Plan A whenever you are afforded the opportunity.

Thank you and I do understand all you have said.
My concern now is if I should call her immediately, wait a while, or hold until she talks to me next.


* In response to encouraging the OM's spouse to contact my spouse, I do know the OM's wife sent my wife a message explaining that he has been lying to both of them about many things and that she too wants to remain married.

I have actually been talking with the OM's wife, sharing information back and forth, and we have been updating each other on the progress.

I guess there is a time limit to edit posts?

My above question about next contact can be forgotten.
She came home for a minute today, and I repeated the statements Tyk mentioned.

- No "revenge" or badmouthing is taking place.
- Everything I do or say is to end the affair.
- There is a path to recovery.

She was very calm and said "Okay".

So that is where you should expose next. They can boot the affairees out of the organization. I don't know of many charitable organizations, other than Swingers anonymous, that want this sort of behavior going on in their ranks.


OK, but the "close friends" does not apply to the OM for obvious reasons. Did you expose to all his known close friends and family?


I would finish your exposures and then hold tight.

Very good!!

Thank you MelodyLane.

I have been taking some time to read the situations of others so as not to feel I am taking advantage of the members here and simply focusing on myself.

By all accounts you are a major asset to this forum.

Something I am not sure on.

Exposing to the OM's remaining mutual friends is in fact exposing to regular acquaintances of ours here at home.
It amounts to "Exposure to WS contacts", him not even being a factor in that situation.

It would in fact be exposing to acquaintance/ friends of ours, that we regularly see in person... not his friends or acquaintances.
Still go forward?

If I do this, the people on that list have the same status as all of my and my wife's other local friends and acquaintances. (whom we also see in person)
Do I add them to the list? I will bring the total to near 100 local people.


The charity:
Exposing to the lead staff members of the current charity organization means I am almost certain that this will lead, through gossip channels, to 100's of additional people knowing.

Still go forward?

I am willing to talk to anyone and everyone, just would like to go about it the best way.

Yes, and this will be a good thing, because you don't want those mutual acquaintances to invite you both to the same event. And those ppl might not want to socialize with such a person.


Yes, let the staff members know so they can fire OM and your W. Keep in mind, the more people who know, the more people to hold them accountable.


These are great questions. You are doing great!

Am I remembering correctly?

Didn't this charitable organization fund a "Business Trip" for the two of them to attend?

That most certainly IS allocating funds that was used to further their affair.

I would cause such an uproar and DEMAND that at they both be released from their positions and if it DOESN'T Happen, t ::) en I would threaten and follow through with notifying the press and key or influential donors to put a stop on the "Charity" subsidizing affairs.

LTL

The organization never did fund a trip.

The claim for each trip was that notable, outside and unrelated promotional people were funding the trips, in an effort to provide "featured guests" for whatever event they were presenting.

She claimed that because they held the top two positions, they were always the two chosen to attend whatever event these promotional people were presenting.

I have found out from the OM's spouse that he was in fact stealing money from their mortgage account to pay for the trips.

Neither hold any positions in the organization any more. There is actually nothing to be "fired" from.
In fact the OM was recently suspended for unrelated reasons.

It was the latest trip that finally prompted me to investigate.
Because they no longer held any position, she could no longer use the excuse of being chosen for promotional work and came up with a completely crazy story for flying off again, at short notice.

I don't understand. Are you saying they are no longer involved with this organization? Why was this ever brought up?

**EDIT**

A reminder that the purpose of this forum is to coach posters in the use of MB concepts. It is not a platform for personal philosophies. Please familiarize yourself with MB materials before posting. Email me with any questions. Thank you.

For the first two of the last three years they did hold positions. She the top position and was afforded the ability to appoint the second chair, which was given to him.

I mentioned the subject of the organization because that is how they met. It is how they were able to come up with excuses for the online talking at all hours, and false reasons for taking the trips. The excuse was that it was always to promote and run the daily activities of the organization.

A year ago someone else was elected to the top position and a full new administration was appointed.

She and I are still involved with the organization, but only as standard volunteers. He was recently suspended for reasons unknown to me and currently holds no connection.

Things are getting better... slowly.
She has moved from "It is all over!", to "I do not know what I want".
Our conversations are getting longer as well. still relatively short, so I have not been able to dive into the detailed concepts described here on the site, but they do increase a few minutes each time and I have been able to touch on the subjects.

For anyone who might read this, I credit the the idea of exposure as a major and positive first step. It really cracked the egg open and brought some reality to all involved. It is breaking their delusional fantasy, and I have learned more about what lead up to this.

I have a new question...

I found the last exposure target on his side.
I believe it is his father.

It may be relatively common, but have found that I and the OM's spouse have been leaning on each other for some support. (I providing a bit more since I have studied this site and she has not), as well as continuing to update each other of the information we discover.

But within these conversations, she has mentioned that she does not want to tell his parents. That it would be a detriment to her and what she is trying to do (Ie: healing her marriage).

She says she will give him a deadline to tell his friends first and then his parents later.

(I have already told several of his friends and I am guessing he has not revealed this to her)

I have not told her I have discovered his fathers info.

I am stuck between proceeding and risking her cutting contact with me, or wait until her deadline has passed (and still possibly risking her to cease contact).


* I did previously send the news to his sister.