OK, let's say by some crazy miracle he says I'm 100% on board and not going bowling. Then what?

He will be home in 2.5 hours.

Ok, there is much more than giving up bowling. Will he agree to the policy of joint agreement? Will he agree to be radically honest?

he will say whatever he thinks I want to hear.

I actually have our appt from yesterday on record and I'm going over it and this is the usual..

He SAYS he will do everything I ask, and I can't really prove that he isn't doing.

I'm telling you some of these examples would amaze anyone. He is king at changing the subject, deflecting etc.

Actually if you pay careful attention to his responses, you will know immediately. An example is:

"I need you to change your contact numbers"

Someone who intends to do as you ask will start to talk about logistical issues.

Someone who has no intention of doing this will tell you that you are being controlling or agree fast and then change the subject.

So he has agreed to everything already? There is nothing to "prove" if you are with him. Just make plans to be together all the time.


I don't know what this means.

Ok, but his intentions will be demonstrated by his actions. We don't care what he SAYS, we care what he does.

Just AGREEING to something is not enough. Doing that thing is what is required.

Yes, you and we can prove he isn't doing the program. He isn't following the Policy of Joint Agreement - he is balking at it. He isn't giving up disrespectful judgments - he is calling you controlling. He isn't providing transparency either, is he?

You can prove he isn't doing the things Dr. Harley recommends.


Quit getting caught up in debating him about it. Quit paying attention to what he says. All that matters is what he does.

Hi everyone. This is very difficult for me to type.

My husband and I sat down and I told him everything that I wanted and needed. He was calm and willing. He started to ask questions and really wanted to know the meaning of IB, EP MB in general. When I started to read to him all about IB he hesitated. Then he said no. I went on to say then I want him to move out and a separation. He sat in utter disbelief. We both sat there with no words for a moment. I began to tell him about how his actions are causing me so much pain.

Then he started to say, well then I will agree. I said you can't not agree and then agree one minute later. I began to talk about honesty. I told him I wanted full honesty and that I was going to let him talk for as long as he needed.(I am a constant interrupter and the therapist yesterday mentioned I did that 18 times in less than an hour) So there I sat, mouth closed. My husband hesitated and then began to talk. I believe he talked for 60-90 minutes. He began to talk in great detail about my abuse towards him. I am not in denial about this.(at least not anymore) I believe that up until now I had thought I had been better, but clearly just dynamics have changed, and wording has changed. Tone, meaning have been the same.

He had told me the very first day we met I called someone an idiot right in front of him. (we worked together) He told me at one point early in our relationship (when we were dating a bit over a year) that he started to write down every single time I called him a name.(idiot, stupid etc) Over the next 7 months the total was 1300 times. I have talked down to him in front of our sons. I have criticized him more than anyone should ever have to put up with.
He cried like I have never seen him cry in my life. His beloved grandmother(the person he was the most closest to in his entire life) had died when we were dating for 18 months and I don't remember him crying like that then. I have only seen him cry a handful of times. He let it all out.

I sat there, did not speak and let him finish. I am truly disgusted, embarrassed and saddened to hear all of this.

I am not shocked but clearly much of it in the beginning I was completely blind to. He told me that pretty much every single person he has ever known has told him that what I do to him is wrong. Even my own mother.

I offered to move out. He cried some more and than said no.

I need help. I cannot and will not live any longer acting like this anymore. My husband is in no way shape or form stupid or an idiot. I have always had anger issues.(that has changed drastically over the past few years) I grew up with an alcoholic father who acted the same way. I'm the alcoholic who doesn't drink.

So to sum it up, this is why my husband wanted to move out. To get away from ME.

I really appreciate everyone's help here. I'm not sure if there is help in this forum for people with my problems.

My plan right now is to find the right therapist and read as much as I can about verbal abuse. He also plans to get in therapy too. If I don't make a drastic change by May 1st. I'm moving out.

Wow. He really did a number on you.

What is your question for the forum? Your posts indicate that you are not here to receive guidance in the MB program. As such, this thread has become a needless distraction. Unless you have a question about the MB program, we will be locking this thread.

Thank you,
Denali
MB Administrator

Well since it seems no one believes me this isn't the place for me. I'm sorry I bothered everyone.