I have my first counseling appointment today and I hope you can give me some insight as a Christian is the first question I'm going to ask him I've seen them before but I can't remember he's a Christian it was about 8 or 9 years ago that he helped me through some problems I was having.

Is far as my relationship is going she threatened to put a lock on the door and if I force my way and she threatened to call the police this is what her lawyer told her which I know she cannot do my lawyer said that is totally incorrect.
About an hour after that conversation she text me some nice stuff and I was confused I didn't respond and then later on that evening she text me good night I hope you let me sleep and not come into my bedroom thank you. I responded good night and left it at that. What I failed to do and to tell her I wasn't coming home that night because of my counseling appointment being 30 hours I'm sorry 40 miles away from our marital home it turned out my partner at work there's only 3 miles from my doctor so after work I spent the night there I'm sure I will get a text in the morning and where I spent a night and I'll be honest so she doesn't think anything is going on I will say I had a doctors appointment counseling right next to my partners house so Decided not to wake you and spend the night there. This is all dictation so if there's errors I apologize .
I will give you an update on what happened in constant thank you everyone and continue to pray for me and my wife for reconciliation and forgiveness

Hello everyone,

I met with my counselor today. Im not too found fo what he told me, either I'm very stubborn and hard headed or he is attempting to bring peace.

He said attempting to sleep in the same bed without her approval is a violation of her respect and can be construed as domestic violence. (me as a police officer knows that you need to have a verbal or physical assault or means to do so for domestic viol) I didn't wish to argue with him. But I do hear what he is trying to get at. He thinks she is angry at me and by not respected her will make matters worse and any trust she may still have will be lost. He thinking was by respecting her wishes you will regain her trust for you.

I called a Christian counselor today and scheduled an appoint with him, I wont be able to see him until mon may 9th.

She had put a lock on the bedroom door yesterday and said if I try to force my way into the bedroom she will have to result on calling the police. I just have to be strong in the lord and show her love without any blaming or questioning her behavior. After all Jesus taught us unconditional love is what we need to become and strive for in our hearts.

For the next 3 days (since I have them off) this will be a Big test for me especially if she is unwilling to talk. I planed on having a conversation with her this weekend. The conversation I wanted was to offer her to attend my counseling so she may support me in my change for good since she isn't willing to go and work on things together (as she stated earlier in the week). I have to remember to ask once and no push the issue. Love tokens not Love busters! that is what I have strive for every minute and second we are together and away.

4 days without a drink.

What the...?

Who does that?

Who spends the night away from home in order to attend a counselling appointment?

Who fails to tell his wife, at any time in his marriage, that he won't be home that night, and who does that when he is in the throes of trying to save his marriage?

What on earth were you thinking? And who advised you do this? Certainly not us!!!

I cannot believe what i just read.

Sugarcane,

the reason was my partner at work lives 4 miles from my counselor that I saw. I live 40 miles away, and to fight rush hour traffic and try to shower in the AM with her getting up at the same time to goto work, I was trying to avoid conflict, due to the blow up she had the previous day on threatening to call the police if I bothered her again. so I decided to take the drama out for one night and protect myself and my job. (me a police ofc held to higher standards) can lose my job for any allegation of Domestic abuse.

please don't be too hard with your response, I understand this is a delicate mater and I need her to feel safe and trusted. she is on anti-depressants and just got a script for Xanax yesterday. so there is more problem on her end than I realized.

I have the next 3 days off and I am hoping we can have some loving communication.

LMG, I hope you don't plan on staying out overnight again. As far as "counseling," that is a needless distraction at a time when you need to place all your focus on your marriage.

The advice we are giving you comes from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. RARELY, do "counselors" have any earthly idea how to save marriages and typically cause more harm than good. They have even less experience and expertise when it comes to infidelity.

What scares me the most about this is that you allowed her to manipulate you into staying out of your house. If you are afraid of a domestic abuse accusation, then carry a VAR on you at all times. But don't stay out of your home. Don't embolden her by giving into unreasonable demands. No woman on the planet would allow a man to kick her out of her home; men need to follow suit.

Melodylane,

thank you, I do carry a voice recorder now. She has put a lock on the bedroom door and wont let me in. That lock will be removed as soon as she is served with an order not to change anything in the house (exparte)included locking doors et. so I just have to be level headed like you all say and have loving conversation even though her anwers are yes and no.

today was a progress day though. I fired my counselor that gave me that crazy advice (he wasn't Christian) and I found a minister with a phd in pysch to counsel me so I will see him on Mon. I returned home she was at the house I greated her with Hello, she replied Hi. I asked her if she would like to go for a walk with the dogs, she said I already walked them. I said okay, and took them for another walk. I kept an upbeat attitude whistling some tune. when I retuned home, I poured out all my alcohol down the sink. She didn't ask why (but she is observing it, she was on the phone talking with her mom or sister.) I said I have to go grocery shopping, would you like anything. of course she replied no. I left came home, said hello again, she said hi. (I bought her her favorite ice cream without even telling her and some steak sizzlers so next time she goes into the freezer she will notice.) I went down stairs to do laundry and noticed she had towels in the dryer, I brought them up folded them put them away asked her do you need a new fresh towel...again no. The point I am trying to make is even though she is giving me one word answers, I am making positive talk and being very conscious of no negative talk.
How the night ended was she didn't say goodnight closed her door. I knocked and say are you going to bed, she said yes, so I said goodnight. she replied goodnight. I ask if I could say goodnight to our two dogs, she said no, and I left it be without a word. and jumped on here.

Tomorrow I have a funeral memorial to attend (my sister father-ibn-law) she had said on tues that she will not be attending. before I leave, if she is in the house I will invite her again. regardless of her response. I am trying to show that i care and wish to do things together. I know I can't make anyone do anything and my actions play a big part in what she see and responds too.

D-Day APRIL 25,2016

What is the reason you are going to counseling? I thought you were here to get help with your marriage.

melodylane,

I am here to get help, I value your opinion's and follow them from now on as wifedivorcing yelled at me to listen to everything.

I talk with wifedivorcing often and i get good advice as well. I know this is all new and only a week old, but I decided to go to counseling for my own sanity and to get better as a person, a man of god and back to where I was 7 years ago. If I can't fix myself I can't fix our marriage. I hope you understand that I need this for myself to stay focus on what you folks are saying.

The devil got ahold of me and my wife. I have become lazy, overweight, non-interactive, spend way to much time on the computer and was drinking and going out to adult strip bars. and my wife attended some times. so you can see how my marriage has falling apart. not to mention we haven't slept in the same beds for 5 years. a lot of this is my fault. I need to rectify myself to the point where we first met.

The problem with most counselors is they have no idea how to save marriages. While well-intentioned, they generally encourage people in marriage-wrecking behavior which they mistakenly believe will help. Even Christian Counselors have a terrble track-record. They also encourage people to pick and chose items from different programs, many with no evidence of benefit. The Marriage Builders plan is very specific and works best if followed early and completely. It is not guaranteed but it is your best chance of saving the marriage.

Have you gotten evidence ofthe affair that would convince a jury? If not, get it. Then expose. She is a school teacher. Does she work with the OM? I couldnt tell from your previous post. Even if they don't, workplace exposure may be beneficial because many teachers' contracts include a morals clause. You need to bust the fantasy of the affair. Having her dirty secret in the open is the best chance to break up the affair.

You need to study SAA carefully. If you havent read it at least 2times, you are not ready for more material.

Have you listened to the radio show? You should listen daily because this will help focus and strategize. The app is free. Listen tomorrow on your headphones. I purchased access to the archives when I first started really working MB becuase hearing several radio programs pertinent to my situation helped me understand the details of implementing MB.

apples123,
thank you for that reply. I have no proof other than some phone records. The person I suspect she does not work with, but rather he was my former boss who is now on a different shift. I hired a Private investigator to hopefully uncover some facts. If no facts are uncovered then I need try a different approach.

I know when I was drinking I said some hurtful stuff, which damages her emotionally. I know my wife is very sensitive. Monday it will be one week since she said I don't love you and we need a divorce. It's a rollercoaster of emotions for me, but she has been small talking, short sentences. etc. the love principles seem to be breaking down her barrier!

I have to continue my strength in the lord and remain upbeat. Sometimes It does get lonely when your spouse ignores you and you are in the house by yourself. I haven't been eating well because this stress of the situation makes my food go right through me.

Tomorrow (Sunday) I am going to church. Something I have been neglecting for a long time. When she returned home today in the eve. I let her know I am getting up early and going to church and asked her if she would like to come with me. She replied, no. Which didn't bother me at that moment, because of the mental state she has been in this week. She went to bed without saying goodnight and locked her bedroom door. (yes we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a long time. (that's a different subject)). I knocked respectfully and said are you going to bed? she said yes. I said goodnight and she replied goodnight.

I need to sign up for the over the phone counseling here. I do have a lot of family and a couple of close friends praying for us.

I know it sounds like I am rambling, but you folks are wonderful and are giving me strength. SAA book should come Monday. I'm looking fwd to it.

Goodnight

LMG, you are on the right track, but I would forgo all this "counseling" for now and focus on your marriage. The phone counseling at MB is awesome and you may need that at some point, but right now the focus should be on getting the evidence and exposing the affair. You don't need counseling to achieve that. The advice we are giving you comes frmo Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. We are not just spouting our own personal opinions.

thank you MelodyLane!

I understand you. I am going to counseling for myself to be better focused to follow the concepts of Dr. Harley.


your concepts are working as of today I bought her a breakfast, she appreciated it but didn't eat it.

I do have a question. her B-day is coming up on may 25th. I'm unsure how to handle that. any thoughts.

Give her a nice present and a romantic card.

I know she likes candles, so I could buy she some candles and a gift certificate to a beauty store or something; I have a hard time thinking of gifts, I'm not very good with that.

Today I talked with her for a few minutes. apologized for my verbal abuse I've caused her the past couple of years due to my drinking and work stress. it seemed she appreciated that, but said she checked out along time ago. I replied, I can totally understand why you would feel that why, because I would do the same. I said I remember the good times we had and I am fighting for us and look forward to the future when we can have those good times back. she was silent. after that is when I went to go grab some breakfast for the two of us.

One complaint she had was I was on the computer a lot. So I am working on cutting that time down...so I can only log on here when she is sleeping or busy with other things.

Positive attitude and affirmations is all I can do at the moment until I have some proof. Tomorrow I'll know after my morning meeting with my PI.

PS: I am confused with all the abbreviations under the exposure part. i.e. (BS WS AP) please elaborate the abbreviated words for a dummy like me

That is a good idea. And my suggestion would be to write a love letter painting a picture of a wonderful, happy marriage, and put it in the card. Tell her that you are so sorry for the things you did that brought your marriage to this terrible place. Tell her you know you a) were wrong for drinking, b) hanging out in bars, .........[fill in the blanks] Promise her you will never drink again or hang out in creepy bars, [fill in blanks]

Then add that you love her with all your heart and want to work with her on building a romantic, happy marriage. Tell her you have a plan to do that when she is ready. Tell her you will fight for your marriage and won't give up on her. Sign it with "all my love, LMG."

NOW, she will come back and tell you it is too little too late. Just expect that. But it will have planted the seed. Once she sees you back up your talk with actions, she will start to see you in another light.

Wow! Melodylane, you may me cry; which is a good thing! I will re-visit this when her b-day get closer (5/25).
Thank you for making me strong!

My wife is having surgery this Friday for a uterus abrlasion. that I just found out from my sister today. my wife talked to my sister for awhile a couple of weeks ago about her unhappiness with me, being lazy not helping around the house, and yelling and screaming. hinting at a divorce and about the surgery.

my wife said its not my concern and her parents are taking her. I only now the date may 6, I do not know the time or the hospital.

I don't know how to proceed.... I want to be there for her and support her, but she doesn't wish me to or shes says she doenst'.. im confusion.

Did you speak to her about it? Can you take off work to be with her and take care of her when she gets home?