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I went out to his pool league that he attends every Friday, he texted me to come as well as a mutual friend. I have been asked and rarely go,I am all about my kids,they were not home tonight, so I went.. I actually had a great time, everyone was so excited to see that I showed up.I am thinking I need to get out more!This girl was not the issue,she misses her family back in Ireland and her husband is not understanding, Long story,I am glad I went.
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Good. Your most enjoyable times should be spent together.
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I went out to his pool league that he attends every Friday, he texted me to come as well as a mutual friend. I have been asked and rarely go,I am all about my kids,they were not home tonight, so I went.. I actually had a great time, everyone was so excited to see that I showed up.I am thinking I need to get out more!This girl was not the issue,she misses her family back in Ireland and her husband is not understanding, Long story,I am glad I went. Have you considered using Marriage Builders? Where are you with that? My friend, you are making alot of blog posts which is a distraction from using the program. You and your husband are not using it at all. Some critical red flags here is your husbands separate leisure lifestyle and his opposite sex friendships. The relationship with the Irish woman is exactly how affairs begin. There is a very unhealthy independence in your marriage. In a healthy interdependent marriage, the couple spends their leisure time together, not apart.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Have you read about the policy of undivided attention? Undivided Attention And independent behavior, which wrecks marriages and creates incompatibility: I define Independent Behavior as the conduct of one spouse that ignores the feelings and interest of the other spouse. It's usually scheduled and requires some thought to execute, so the simplest way to overcome this Love Buster is to take it off your schedule. If your Thursday night bowling, or visit to a friend of the opposite sex, or spending five hours chatting on the internet while your spouse sits alone watching TV, schedule something else Thursday night, visit someone else, and spend time doing something with your spouse. And whatever it is you decide to do that replaces independent behavior, be sure that both you and your spouse enthusiastically agree to it.
My ninth Basic Concept, the Policy of Joint Agreement, (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse), helps eliminate independent behavior -- any event or activity that is not mutually agreed to cannot take place. It forces you to take your spouse's interests and feelings into account when you forget that your spouse is an extremely important part of yourself, and should be considered in every decision you make.
Independent behavior is a problem in most marriages because we are all tempted to do whatever makes us happy, even when it makes our spouse unhappy (the Taker's rule). We don't feel the pain our spouse feels when we are inconsiderate -- all we feel is the pleasure gained from activities that are only in our best interest. That's why the Policy of Joint Agreement is so important in marriage. It forces us to behave as if we feel each other's pain -- it makes us behave as if we were empathetic.
A wise alternative to Independent Behavior is Interdependent Behavior, which limits your your events or activities to those that benefit both of you simultaneously. You are both happy and neither of your suffers when you behavior interdependently, making decisions with each other's interests and feelings in mind. When you get to my tenth Basic Concept, Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation, I'll show you how to replace Independent Behavior with Interdependent Behavior.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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] I went out to his pool league that he attends every Friday, he texted me to come as well as a mutual friend. That is not a "date" to text you to come to watch him play pool. A DATE is a scheduled date where you are the focus of attention, meeting each others intimate emotional needs.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I did not look at it to be a date.He has been on the league for many years in the beginning I did attend,the kids are older and my Friday nights are busy so I rarely go. This is a activity that I have always been supportive of and do not look at it as independent behavior.
The remark of saving was this,my hubby know's I most likely would not show up,texting me this mutual friend was at the bar and was trying to get him to take a shot.Enter in save me time,we do not drink all that often so hanging out after the games is not something he does.I went and we stayed for about an hour.Drunk people are quite comical.
I started reading his needs,her needs and I talked with him about it this morning,he seems to be on board. I will follow up on how its going.
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This girl was not the issue,she misses her family back in Ireland and her husband is not understanding What makes you say that she was not the issue? You're either amazingly naive, or wilfully blind. Don't you see how easily she could become the issue - feeling miserable with her life and with a husband who does not understand? Do you know that most married women get into affairs from exactly that scenario?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I went out to his pool league that he attends every Friday, he texted me to come as well as a mutual friend. I have been asked and rarely go,I am all about my kids,they were not home tonight, so I went.. I actually had a great time, everyone was so excited to see that I showed up.I am thinking I need to get out more!This girl was not the issue,she misses her family back in Ireland and her husband is not understanding, Long story,I am glad I went. He needs to give up the pool league, and you and he should have a date on Friday nights.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I read those both and none of that applies to this woman friend of ours,but thank you.
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Please do not make accusations of someone you know nothing about.
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I read those both and none of that applies to this woman friend of ours,but thank you. You're welcome. So you are okay with your husband having friendships of the opposite-Sex?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Yes,we are active in our community,and we have long term employees that we treat like family.I have never seen him react any differently to any of them male or female. Besides his sisters,he has 4 of them and he constantly jokes that he needs more men in his life,even the dog is female.
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We are extremely cautious of OSF; they so often turn into affairs.. Sharing problems is how you build intimacy. Most women do not control this impulse to confide and receive empathy, it also encourages him to share his problems.
You are the appropriate person for her to discuss her marital troubles.
Further, at MB, we dont believe people are somehow extra bad for having affairs. Most people are vulnerable, especially with the poor boundaries in relationships today. Dr. Harley combats this with EPs, Meeting each others needs and avoiding lovebusters.
Have you read the basic concepts? We too had a good, happy marriage but we took the extraordinary precautions too lightly. This caused so much unnecessary pain a few years ago when a female friend of ours began to confide her marital troubles to my husband.
Thankfully, I discovered what was happening before my H was in an affair. We were able to cut this person completely out of our lives. We now take EPs very seriously.
I suspect you are where we were a few years ago, good/happy marriage that is very vulnerable to attack. Although your lack of knowledge about your financial situation is still very concerning. Though you dont need to handle all of the finamces, you do need to know what is coming in and out, including for the business. This is an important part of marital transparency.
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Wow,my husband is not having an affair, when he does you all will be the first to know for sure! Finally one of the issues that is real,finances  An it has not been a good/happy marriage it has always been comfortable,we had rough patches the first 5 years and just kept swimming,we are now are at the point where we are roommates as Dr.Harley would say,and we have way to much independent behavior. I am hopeful and glad I found marriage builders.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I didn't say your husband is having an affair. I said your marriage is at risk.
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The basic concepts are the best place to start. There are also videos.
The things to get started right away...
1. EPs- 100% transparency (including all phones, social media, online activities,etc. and no nights apart
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2. UA time - spend at least 15 hours per week alone together.these should be the most enjoyable hours of the week involving activities you both enjoy. This is when you meet each other intimate emotional needs - affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship.
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