PW, I just wanted to let you know that I had requested your contact information, or to pass on mine many months ago after you invited me to, but I never got any sort of response. Not sure why.

In retrospect, I regret any role I may have played in that.

PW, I wish you the best. Hope you find an IM soon.

Hi All,

I thought about it and I wanted to give a brief update for anyone who cares to know.

I am still in the process of divorce as WH is dragging it out. I may have to set a court date to finalize as we have been separated for almost a year and a half and I filed almost a year ago. I had to set a court date in order to get custody and child support. We ended up not going to court, but it ended up down to the wire and he finally caved on things that he would not get anyway (like every Christmas break, etc) from a judge. I had to settle for joint custody because in California they basically always grant it unless there is physical abuse. However, I have her 90% of the time and live 500 miles away from him, so it's kind of a non-issue.

Interestingly enough, around September, he started to avail himself of the every other weekend visitation I had offered through my lawyer. Before that he was seeing her about once every 4-6 weeks (sometimes he would come twice in one month, but not often). I wondered what was up, but didn't say anything, of course. Well a friend who still has him as a FB friend (she doesn't talk to him anymore) and can see is AP's open FB account told me that she was seeing someone else. So I guess they broke up around that time or slightly before that. Who knows...because...

I seriously do not want him back. In fact the thought of it makes me a little ill. I am still sad about getting divorced and I feel the loss of not being married, but I don't want to be married to him. He never did anything anyway to make amends or give me just compensation, so it's kind of a moot point.

Anyway, the judge ordered that we communicate through one of those "co-parenting" websites that can be used in court, so my IM just moved to that. She hasn't told me anything about what he says, but I would guess that just the act of moving to that would calm him down, knowing it can me used in court.

Other than that, things are still stressful in terms of money, but pretty good otherwise. I've made alot of friends at church in addition to the friends I already had here in my hometown. I am doing a lot of hiking and skiing, etc., especially on the weekends that my daughter is visiting with her dad.

Overall, I am happy, but again, I miss being married, so I get a bit sad sometimes, especially because my church is all young couples. Nobody has ever been anything but nice and understanding about my situation, but I feel ashamed sometimes about getting divorced. I'm pretty young, so not many people I know have been divorced and the ones I know did not have kids, so they could just go completely NC and move on without the visitation issues and stuff like that. Anyway, I'm sure that feeling will fade with time too.

I'm happy to hear from you PW. I hope the divorce can be finalized soon. My ex is still with her AP, but it does appear that the statistics are correct as I've seen the breakups time and time again with BS I'm acquainted with. Some WS make halfhearted attempts to return and others just move on to the next person that will give them attention, but they almost always seem to break up with the original AP. I'm sure mine will, too, but like you I'm not interested anymore. With time and distance I now see that I'm better off with someone else, and in fact I'm now with someone else (have been for 3 months now).

I know what you mean about the shame. But believe me, that goes away pretty quickly after it's finalized. There's nothing to be ashamed about. You didn't cause your WH to cheat, and you couldn't stop him once he did. The divorce is 100% on him. Maybe if he hadn't brought in a 3rd party you both could have worked on the marriage, but he's 100% to blame for the demise of your marriage.

Nice to know that you are doing okay. Someday your STBXH will realize what he lost. [If he ever stops lying to himself.]

Thanks Bellevue,

I think he will eventually, but that is something I had to let go of. It's not my concern anymore whether he figures it out or not. I let go of thinking that way because thinking, "he'll learn his lesson someday" kind of kept me tied to him in a strange way. The longer I am in Plan B the less I care. I know what he lost, whether he acknowledges it or not. So it a strange way, I have forgiven him of that debt to me. I don't want him back, so it feels good to just let it go. Of course, I would require just compensation to get back together, but that's not going to happen, so the point is moot.

It's nice to talk with you all!

Glad to hear from you PW. I can completely understand the awkwardness around other married couples, I have the same situation at church.

Sounds like you are doing well and sticking to the plan.

I'm curious to see if your WS responds in any fashion to the Plan B letter now that he has split up from his AP. You might be surprised. He is probably doing a lot more critical thinking about his choices now that he's alone.

Praying for good things to happen for you. It's not fun being in limbo while you wait for the legal dust to settle!

I do hope others will also see why Dr. Harley recommends Plan B, especially for BWs. And why we as a board so strongly recommend a dark Plan B. I do hope others reading along that are in Plan B or need to be understand this.

While I hate the no contact...go dark plan B...I also feel better without the daily arguments that only served to make me feel worse.

Yes, Plan B is great. Even little things like looking a seemingly benign social media can set you back. Now that I have been in Plan B for a year, I feel pretty OK. I broke Plan B like twice and it set me back a bit each time, although not that much the last time. I am really getting into the "don't care" zone. I still want to stay in it, but since we have child together and I might see him once-in-awhile on certain occasions, it's good to know it won't send me reeling anymore. The AP gone helps as well.

Ax, I think he's gone. He'd have to do some hard things like move and change his job to follow the Plan B letter. Knowing him, he often takes the path of least resistance, so I am not counting on it. He may surprise me (seeing our daughter more was surprising), but going on history, that's what I expect. Again, I am fine with it. I am doing pretty well and making new friends and my new life is crowding out my old, so I see life beyond him now.

I'm so glad to hear from you, Piglet. I have thought about you in the past few months. I'm glad the plan b is helping you. It's helping me, too. And my WH is dragging out the divorce now, too. Seems that, like so many things throughout this experience, the WS almost seeems to follow a script.

I think the awkwardness around other couples will fade. And the sadness, too. I hope so anyway.

Much love to you.

~jkwpurple

Thanks Gingerfly (jkwpurple).

I have thought of you as well, as well as luna, nw, and ax. I feel like we were all in the same "class" together of betrayed spouses.

I find it difficult to understand why these WH's hang on so long. Mine sent a pages long request for discovery right before Christmas, which I have been trying to amass. I do really want finalization now and the feeling of some peace. Nw and Ax are already divorced and I think that's because they are men and WW's just kind of bolt. WH's always want the "option" to come back, but my IM has made it known that is no longer an option for my stbx. So, who knows? I am pushing hard for finalization at this point, so hopefully that will come soon.

I hope you and your children are doing well and getting the support you need.

Best,
PW

It really is crazy. I got the same huge request for discovery, even though I've been a stay at home mom for so many years. It really doesn't make sense. Maybe you're right about wanting that option to come back, but in my case WH initialized the divorce proceedings. Maybe his AP ditched him and now the divorce doesn't feel so urgent to him. Who knows. I really spend as little time as possible thinking about him and his reasons for doing anything. I am just trying to get through school and on my feet.

It is a very different animal when there are children involved as well. A WH will not want to pay CS among other things so things drag on as they use their children along the way.

Welcome back PW.

I agree it is strange how it all plays out in these situations.

I ended up being the person pushing the divorce through in my case. My WW left the state soon after I filed and generally put zero effort towards moving the divorce along. Almost missed her 30 day deadline to file a response and after that tooks months to respond to settlement offers. We missed going to trail by only a few weeks, and if we had, I really wonder if she would have came back to appear. She's like 1000 miles away now.

I think if I hadn't filed, I may have ended up in a situation like WrestlerChemist is in right now, with a wayward spouse out of state and unwilling to communicate or work to tie up loose ends.

I think exposed WSes end up being very depressed and isolated, probably fuels their indecision on stuff like this. Pity party time.

I agree with this too. NW and I had very little to sort out in our divorces. Much messier when you have kids in the mix.

Yeah, that's true. My WH was just recently ordered to pay CS, but now that that is done, he still wants to drag out the actual divorce. CS and custody are pretty much settled. Although he can always go back and try to get CS changed if he wants (which is fine, let him go to the effort of doing that). Right now, it would very much benefit him to get a divorce, since I was the breadwinner and hold most of the assets in my name.

Black Raven is spot on about using the kids. I don't hear anything from my IM, but a friend let it slip that on facebook he is always talking about what a great dad he is. He is literally a Disneyland Dad. Like when he visits he always takes her to Disneyland..while I am left with all the responsibilities of raising her. It's all image management on his part.

I wanted to ask one Plan B question--

How much do I "do" for the WH in terms of informing him of things for my daughter's school. I live 500 miles away from him and at this point, I don't really inform him of anything. He gets a weekly newsletter from her preschool, so I never say anything.

However, there are a few things that don't make it to the newsletter. For example, her school photos came in and they left a flyer about how to buy the photos online or through their order form. I bought the photos I wanted online. Should I leave the flyer in her backpack so he can buy them if he wants. when he picks her up for visitation?

This may seem like a little thing, but I basically don't want to do anything that covers for him in terms of his parenting. I am already doing everything as the parent who has her for 90% of the time. From my point of view, he chose these consequences, so for the most part--it's not my problem. However, I don't want to be a jerk unnecessarily either. Any thoughts?

Personally, I wouldn't do anything beyond the letter of your agreement. Leaving the flyer is a form of contact. He can figure it out.

Thanks,

Yeah, I'm supposed to involve him in all school things, etc, but I just make decisions and only respond to him through the IM if he has something to say about it. I live 500 miles away, what is he going to do?

In terms of contact from me, I generally only contact through my IM if there is a legitimate scheduling issue, which here sometimes with family events or trips--which is rare.